Tell me what you think....Warning/Long

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2003
Tell me what you think....Warning/Long
10
Wed, 07-09-2003 - 1:23am
Hi everyone! You all seem like a nice group of people so I thought I might jump right in here. I really need some objective input on my situation. Ok, here goes...About a year or so ago I started this online relationship with this woman. I should tell you that I am a woman also. Anyway, things went really well at first, she was very romantic, spent a lot of time chatting and talking on the phone with me, sending a lot of e-cards, etc. This went on for a few months but gradually they became fewer and fewer and the time spent talking has decreased also. We both have family obligations of course that take away from our "online time". I understand that completely. Since we live really far away from each other we've decided the best thing for now is to stay in our current family situations. I'm ok with that decision. My problem is sometimes I wonder if she still cares for me as deeply as she says she does? Or am I just paranoid and insecure? She says it's too hard for her to put into words anymore how she feels and it's just easier for her if we concentrate more on general topics. I do agree with that. It certainly is easier if we don't constantly talk about how much we would like to be together, etc. I guess I just need to hear it sometimes ya know? I didn't think I was such a needy person but it aggravates me how "in control" she can be at times while I'm a basket case. Although I'm really glad she is my rock and I feel I can lean on her. She says she's having just as hard a time as I am but just doesn't show it the same way. I don't know. I believe her but I just can't get rid of these feelings I have. What do you all think and how do you deal with relationships like this? I don't think it would be much different whether it's a same sex or opposite sex relationship. Well, thanks for reading.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 07-09-2003 - 1:39am
Thanks for jumping on in and welcome to the board. Online does get tough like that, and sometimes you begin to drift apart. That has been a big thing for me, as I get bored when it does that. I would say you should be vocal and let her know how you are feeling, let her know what you need and moving in that direction. You may not be able to spend as much time together but let her know just a nice e-card will help sometimes out of the blue. And see how things go. Keep us posted.

Marie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-09-2003 - 7:46am
The one who loves less has more control. Sounds to me like she is realizing that the romantic component of your interaction is largely based on fantasy and she would prefer to focus on reality-based, in-person relationships. I agree with her. To me, until you spend consistent in person time with someone in whom you have a romantic interest, you will not know if there is potential for a romantic relationship. Also sounds like both of you or one of you are married and perhaps she understandably feels guilty about cheating (or perhaps she is in a long term relationship with a woman). I would keep my distance and focus more on real life activities, people and relationships.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Wed, 07-09-2003 - 9:30am
Welcome to our board. Jumping in is best and you seem to have done a great job!! Post often if you want!! We are all family here.

WEll, my honest opinion would be this: You cannot rush someone into a relationship. You cannot make it happen any sooner. You must concentrate on the friendship you two have right now and the rest will come. Sometimes we want something so bad, we want to know when it will happen and how soon, but to tell you the truth it may not be for us to know at that moment. Live for today and not tomorrow. I hate to sound so prophet on ya, but its true. Just be friends for now, and allow her the space she needs to feel comfortable to open up. There is nothing wrong with you telling her how you feel, but just know that she may not feel the same. THat is no direct hit against you. Everyone moves at a different pace in relationships. Allow her the pace she needs and you will see the outcome is alot clearer to you. Goodluck to you and I hope you can be patient with her as long as needed. It hard. I know. Im not as open as I would like to be with my feelings, but the right person allows me the time to open as I need to. Its comforting for me.

So, there you go. Hope you stay! We love newbies and you can help someone else!!

Gail

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2003
Wed, 07-09-2003 - 11:51pm
Thanks for your reply and suggestions Marie. I told her a long time ago I didn't need all the e-cards and messages, duh. LOL. I really don't. What I need is just to know where I stand so that I can be secure. I mean, I know where I stand but sometimes I just can't shake the doubts and insecure feelings I have. I've never been insecure before but then again I've never had feelings for someone I couldn't be with all the time either. We've talked about it a lot and I guess that's why I'm posting here instead of talking with her yet again. I don't want to keep harping about the same thing all the time ya know? Anyway, thanks for listening.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2003
Thu, 07-10-2003 - 12:02am
I agree with you also on preferring to focus on reality based relationships and how you never really KNOW a person until you can spend a lot of real time with them doing everyday things. Yes, there are attachments and complications to our relationship which is the reason it has stayed long distance and will continue that way for quite a while. Really I don't know if anything physical will ever materialize and by that I just mean in-person not sexual. In any case I would like to continue with it the way it is. I am happy with it. I just get scared it will end or that I am seeming to push too hard. It would be annoying to me if I felt another person was pressuring me. I just don't want to screw this up. Thanks for the advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2003
Thu, 07-10-2003 - 12:17am
Thank you for the welcome Gail. I appreciate you taking the time to reply. As my id says I'm really an "all or nothing" type of person. Sometimes you just can't have it all and in this case I don't want to opt for the nothing either. I'm trying to balance it all out but usually when I feel I want to do something I want to go for it. In this case it would not be wise at this time and I've accepted that. I just really needed a place to share. This isn't really something I can discuss with just anyone and if you're wondering why I have no profile it's because I would rather stay anonymous right now. I know too many people who frequent the ivillage boards and messages stay in the archives forever so it's just "safer" for me this way. A big reason why I came here is so I could let this all out and not bother her with it again. I don't want to come off as a pathetically needy person which I am not, (ok most of the time I'm not);) I just thought maybe some of you have had similar feelings of insecurity in dealing with a LDR or online relationship. Thanks again, and take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-10-2003 - 7:45am
If one of you is married - and it sounds like you are - then one of you or both are unfairly taking away attention to your spouse - it may not be cheating but it sure is down that path.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2003
Thu, 07-10-2003 - 10:48am
Oh it definately IS cheating. Cheating emotionally is just as bad as cheating physically, maybe worse. The husbands know about the other person. Anyway, that is an issue for another board.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-10-2003 - 11:06am
Well, it's technically not adultery. Glad you can live with yourself and I guess you are glad you can unburden your guilt on your husband. What a mess.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Thu, 07-10-2003 - 1:28pm
No worries. Glad you felt you could come here. We sometimes need a sounding board to let out some issues we are having and its funny, after we type it all out. We actually go, "AHA!" lol So, glad we could help and glad you came to our board. Feel free to use us again!

Gail