Telling the Parents

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2005
Telling the Parents
27
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 12:01am

I've been talking/dating a guy that is 7 1/2 years older than me online for about a year now. I recently decided to let my mother in on the situation. While she is taking it better than my father probably would, it's still not quite as good as I had hoped. I was just wondering if any of you had been through the experience of telling your parents that you are in an online relationship and how it went for you? I wouldn't mind some tips on helping to ease the paranoya (sp?) that my mother, and most likely my father, will be feeling for a while... Thanks for the help!

RzOnMrcury

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 11:55am

>>we can't become anything more until we actually meet

??

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2005
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 12:14pm

My first online experience was so similar.

CL-Truewild1969

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Avatar for calilawgirl
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 12:38pm

Sorry but when you wrote: "Not too long ago my mom expressed to me that she has always had the feeling that I would be the first of my siblings and I to get married or date seriously. I definitely feel that way too and am getting pretty serious with this guy, his name is Dan." The implication was that you were in love.

Unless he's in jail, I'm not really understanding why he can't come visit you. So why don't you go visit him? You said you're graduating. Your teaching certificate program probably isn't going to start until the Fall- so take a trip to WV. Take some girlfriends with you, so you don't go alone. If it's too expensive to fly, take a train, or drive.

You mentioned you've been talking for 7 1/2 months. That tells me a few things. 1) You are counting 1/2 months, so you are more emotionally invested in this than you may want to admit to yourself. If you only just "liked" him would you really know how long you had exactly been talking for? 2) If you don't meet until next March- that's a year and half of talking, chatting, getting very emotionally attached without knowing who he is or what the chemistry is like when you are together.

Also, if you decide not to meet him for whatever your reasons are, but you do decide to carry on with this "relationship" and invest more of yourself emotional- get a background check on this guy. At least that way you'll have a better idea of who and what you're dealing with.

Just my 2 cents...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2005
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 2:24pm

Hi! I've been reading all the posts on this topic and I'm sort of in a *similar* situation.

I'm 18 and I've been on Yahoo Personals for a while now. I got a lot of response the first several weeks I used it, but nobody caught my eye. Sure, I talked to a few guys, and got to be pretty good friends with them...I even talked to this one guy on the phone for a while (only to find out he lied about his height AND had a history of being a wee bit too "in love" with all his online buddies...). However, one guy caught my attention when he sent me an "icebreaker." His profile didn't have a picture but he said if I wanted he could send me a picture via email (I had previously set up a seperate email account just for my corespondences). He did and I thought he was pretty cute, but at the time I wasn't really that interrested in him. We chatted online for a few weeks and I got to know him a lil better. To make a long story short, we started talking on the phone and it turns out we don't live too far from each other and we share the same sense of humor.

We plan on meeting in a few months. We'll probably wind up meeting in a restaurant with both my parents there to keep an eye on the situation. I feel much better knowing they'll be there in case I need to bail, and I'm sure my parents are MUCH more at ease as well.

He's very supportive of my parents' wishes to meet him first. I think that's a pretty good thing to look for when meeting people online.

P.S - he's 22

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 2:41pm

No disrespect but


I know exactly why he can't come visit/meet me until next March, but I would rather not discuss that because it's very personal and important to him.


You can't really expect anyone to offer anything of substance to you in the way of advice without details. Besides, as someone else suggested, being in jail, or perhaps serving in the military, I can't imagine there being a valid reason not to at least consider meeting over one of the holidays between then and now.

A man's got to do what a man's got to do.
A woman must do what he can't.

MS
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2005
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 5:23pm

I have $20 that says "jail"!

However, I didn't know prisoners might have access to a computer in there. That doesn't seem right.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2003
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 5:30pm
My first thought was probation and can't leave the state.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 5:41pm

What the heck?!?

<>

You don't live far from each other and still don't plan on meeting for a few months?!?! WHY? You will fall into the same trap that everyone is cautioning about of building something up that doesn't really exist. You are creating this relationship and prolonging it unnecessarily. The longer you chat online without meeting, the more of a false sense of a relationship you build with this person. You are setting yourself up for a very good chance of disappointment.

It makes no sense at all (again, unless he is in prison, married, in the military, etc.) that you two should not meet ASAP. If you are in the same area, do exactly what you said you would do in a few months. Meet in a public place and your parents can be in the restaurant or whatever. While it may be a good thing that he is OK with meeting your parents, it is not a good thing that ya'll are not going to meet for several more months.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 5:51pm

But of course! How else do you think all the prisoners meet their pen pals? And there are all of those prisoner dating websites!

As for the original question - although there might be reasons why you cannot meet, it is never a good idea to continue so long without meeting. As many have said, many of us have been in similar situations and build up a relationship in our mind and/or communicate far too long with someone. This can only lead to false expectations and likely disappointment in the end. As much as you would like to think you know him and he knows you - you really don't until you meet. You might think you have tons of chemistry and so much in common, but again, that does not often translate into real life.

If you can't meet until next March, you need to cool it. If you want to continue to be pen pals until you meet - fine. But you should not continue to be close with him and should get out there and meet other men in your own area, around your age instead of holding out for this guy that you are not going to meet for 9 months. You might be keeping yourself from meeting the man of your dreams who lives around the corner.

I also agree that it likely isn't the age difference that bothers your parents, but rather that you met this guy online and have a fantasy relationship built up that may or may not materialize EVER much less in 9 months. They want you to be happy and in a healthy relationship NOW with someone that really exists, not a fantasy guy halfway across the country.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 10:16pm

I think that LG brought up a great point. Maybe there should be another board for people who are in this type of situation. Since I am a gamer, I may have a unique perspective about the whole topic. I know of at least FIVE couples that met thru various games that I play that are either married or living together after doing Exactly what the OP is doing. Now these couples that I know, are very vocal about how their relationships got started.
I am sure that there are a lot more successful couples then maybe any of you realize. One couple that I know have about an 8 year age difference, they are happily married and met while playing a game, they have been together for the longest time, we are talking years here. I have another friend that is getting married in october to someone she met in star wars galaxies. They already have a very happy life together and have decided to walk down the aisle.
Now granted, for every one story of success im sure there are tons that were failures. The same goes for DATING in general. Obviously OLD isn't much easier otherwise all of us would be married by now. The same way this topic has been posted over and over again, so has the topic of getting "emotionally invested" or "getting your hopes up" for people in the posters own city.
Face it, when you stop getting your hopes up you run the risk of becoming cold and cynical. I think that as long as you are aware of the consequences and are prepared to deal with them you will be fine. It is a calculated risk, if you dont risk anything you won't gain anything. If my friends had played it safe they wouldn't be happy and in love now.
So I say as long as you are SAFE and smart, go for it and good luck. Besides, no one can know exactly what is in your heart, or the details of your relationship but you, so take what you need from the advice given and leave the rest.




Edited 6/16/2005 10:25 pm ET ET by gal_moonlight
We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.