Thank you for any geniuine advice
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| Mon, 12-19-2005 - 1:25pm |
You know how after a couple of dates with a guy who you met on the internet you start to wonder how the guy is in bed? I hope I am not the only one who goes through this, but anyway now things for me are different I am becoming more flighty around him not because he is not an interesting person but because I am completely focused on being around him physically I feel like I am screwing my chances with him everytime I talk to him, because all I can think about is the physical aspects each time I talk to him.
So the question I pose to anyone with great advice is this.....If I have sex with him and get it over with am i pretty much ruining any chances of moving to any stage with him?
If I choose not to have sex with him, how can I find out what the hell we are trying to do? So I can know what to expect when it comes to us, if there really is an us?
Someone help me out? What should you expect when you look for a guy on the internet?

I think each situation is unique, but for me, I'm going to wait to be intimate with any online guy (well any guy for that matter) until I have a commitment. First, I do want to make sure that we are being as safe and healthy as possible and by waiting, I'll hopefully eliminate that "sleeping around" problem. The other thing for me is that I'm tired of guys that are wishy-washy and want me around only for sex. A couple of my recent "boyfriends" have not been ready for a commitment but I still enjoyed their company and wanted to be with them so I went for sex without a committed relationship. I've regretted it both times. I find it hard to keep my emotions out of it once the physical starts up. I think most women are that way.
SO - that all said, if you're willing to risk your feelings or really, truly think that you can keep your feelings out of having sex outside a committed relationship (which I sincerely doubt in most women), then go for it. But expect it to be a fling. It could turn into more, it definitely sometimes does, but IMO, that's the exception rather than the norm. If you really want to see if you can make a relationship work with this guy, suck it up, take some cold showers and hold off until you are sure and are exclusive. It's still not a guarantee, but it will increase the likelihood that it will be more than a one night stand.
I agree with Vex... If all you are thinking about is the physical element of this potential relationship, then how are you really getting to know him? I don't know about u or anyone esle on this board. But I cannot enjoy sex with out really knowing someone. If I know in my mind it is a one night stand type of thing, then that is one thing, but a potential partner, I want to be comfortable with them, I don't want them using me for sex. I dated Teddy for four months, and we just got physical this weekend. Now that is something that was on me... I didn't want to rush into sex or jeopordize what we had. I think you need to develop a friendship with potential partners first, and then everything will fall into place. Sex is something that can be worked on and adjusted.... besides who is to say that the first time you sleep with him it won't be his best moment? KWIM? I have had first sex and it sucks, and I have second sex that is amazing...
If you want this to work- then you need to focus on the friendship and what you want from this expreience.
Thanks.
I think that by holding off on sex it gives an opportunity to know the other person's character more, as well as they yours. People who can't practice deferred gratification when it comes to sex probably can't in other areas of life, either. What about when or if their desire wanders? I think a guy's going to think a woman who sleeps with him right away would do so with others. I've gone both ways before. I held-out forever,literally, and the guy just wanted a challenge. I've also not held-out at all hardly. The guys both stayed with me but the relationship died a slow strangulation, i.e., they didn't really want to be with me nor I them.
If it's hard to keep sex off the mind it could be being used as a substitute for relational richness. Maybe you two don't have that much in common and sex would bring you together. I don't know, just a thought. It is nice to feel instantly close to someone, but it can go away just as quickly. There are no hard and fast answers, like another poster said, it depends on the people. However, it's safe to say that if the reasons for sex aren't based on a genuine feeling of connectedness, it's probably not a good bet to engage in it, sooner or later, imo. Best.