Is there potential here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Is there potential here?
16
Sun, 07-20-2003 - 11:28pm
I finally broke down and posted a profile online- couldn't search until I put up a profile. Got 20 responses in the span of a week, but I only met two of the guys and I'm still writing writing to one other one. The first guy I met and responded to is the one I've been continuing to see. We've gone on five dates in two weeks. I've even met his parents all ready, though that doesn't indicate that we're serious. (I met his friends on the second date after we'd gone to dinner; his friends met up with us to go to a club.) I think he wanted me to meet his parents b.c. he was interested in their opinion, and probably b.c. we'd made plans to see each other Thursday night and he didn't want to cancel them b.c. his parents wanted to go to dinner. We went on a date last night and towards the end of the date I said "So, your parents think I'm ok?" They met me on the date prior to last night. He said, "Yeah, they hated my last girlfriend, but my mom's a pretty good judge of character."

I asked him several days ago if he was seeing anyone else right now, though I realize that seeing someone several times in one week is probably a good indicator that he wasn't but I wanted to know the situation so I wouldn't get too attached. He said no. I asked if he was still looking, and said that I was perfectly okay with it if he was and that I was asking b.c. I didn't want to get too attached. I kind of just wanted to gauge his interest level. He just replied that he didn't know, which is kind of what i expected anyway. I refrained from volunteering any info about my own situation and he didn't ask. . . .

Since we both belong to matchmaker, I can see when he's been online last and it's been within the last 24 hours. Since it seems he's still actively looking, does it sound like there's potential here? I do think we get on very well together. . . .

-P.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 9:01am
In my opinion it is okay for him to still be online and look for other people as long as you both have not come to the conclusion that you date each other exclusively. You look for other people yourself and communicate with them so why shouldn't he!? And with the two of you seeing each other a few times a week you can at least be sure he does not have much time to meet with other girls, right!? And I don't think you would have met his parents if he doesn't like you. Even if he seems to care a lot for the opinion of them, he would not need their opinion if his is negative.

Oh, and if you really don't want him keeping his ad online anymore just be upfront and tell him you think you both get along so well that you won't need to look for other people and took down your ad because of that (and of course really do that!). Then it's up to him to agree or not. But don't ask him just because you want to know how high his level of interest is, that's game playing in my opinion and is never a good way.

Nicole

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 9:04am
Welcome. I am glad you came over to post. Well, I would say you two are both doing the exact same thing. You both do not want to get your heart broken here. So, if things are going this well, and you have had 5 dates, I would say it was good. I would say you two need to sit down and get honest. I mean, really. If you like him, tell him, and same goes for him. You two seem to be gauging each other too well.

I think he is reacting to your feelings about the situation. He likes you, but as you said you do not want to get attached and by telling him that, he may think you are not looking for anything serious. So, you both need to clarify here what it is you both want out of this dating. Do you see yourself dating this man exclusively? If you dont, then do not waste anymore time. I would say, talking honestly and openly with one another is a good idea at this point. That seems like alot of dates for someone you are not sure about.

I would think after 5 dates, you could tell alot about a person? No? Then, you met his parents, and that has always been an indicator to me, the guy is really into the chic. SO, you should have alittle heart to heart, first with yourself, then the guy. Goodluck, and see where it goes. It does look promising. He does seem to like you and you him.

Go for it!

Gail :)

Avatar for crystalgirl32
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 9:37am
Hi Carol,

I agree with the other ladies,it sounds like things went very well.I wouldn't worry about the hand shake at the end,I have known a few guys that don't want to be impolite on the first date.I am pretty sure he will contact you so don't worry.If he doesn't he is the one that is losing out.Good luck,Hugs,Crystal

P.S. It's been so long since I have been in Norwalk I can't remember where that place is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 11:25am
I think you made a poor choice in agreeing to 5 dates in two weeks and in questioning him so early on in the relationship. Let him take the lead but you also need to keep things at a reasonable pace - it is more than reasonable to keep things to once - at the most twice - a week in the first two months - I personally would not have asked what his parents thought - that kind of feedback needs to come from him. Back off and let him just "be" - let him miss you a little and continue to be intrigued - as opposed to veering towards suffocation. I know it sounds harsh - it sounds like you're projecting on to him what you feel and subjecting him to your need for reassurance so early - and that doesn't sound so fair to him. Selflessness is the way to go.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 12:43pm
I disagree... That is how you are but if it is her personality she shouldn't change it. Do not be someone that she isn't to snag him then begin to ask a lot of questions later. makes a guy wonder what happened. I have done this one to many times, tried to sit back and let him chase but that is not me and never will be. I am an agressive person and like to know where things stand. if that runs him away then hey he is not for me. When i tied to be miss quiet and let things roll the went no where or I showed the guy disintrest, so he thought.

I would say for her to continue going what fits her. We are all different in that point and why I go through so many guys because i need someone to handle the way I am. I am a tlker I speak my mind and I'm very inquisitive. Just remember to be yourself, because what works for one doesn't always work for the other.

Marie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 12:48pm
You are right - but my guess is - this is not really the way she is - but the way she is when she's insecure. There is a world of difference to me in being totally quiet v. aggressive. I would run away - fast!! - if a man started asking me such questions that early on particularly if I sensed any neediness, clinginess or insecurity - whatever interest level I had would be far diminished if I saw that level of insecurity or clinginess. What I find is that people who are confident feel comfortable letting things go at a reasonable pace and do not impulsively react to feelings of neediness or a need for reassurance because they take the time to think about whether the time is also right for the other person and for that you have to have an objective perspective to take the temperature of the other person.

Of course, you are not like this - you are truly aggressive and believe in stating what you want when you want to state it. I am often like that too - at work, but in my personal relationships, that approach never worked for me. I am glad it works for you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 1:18pm
With your dating tactics down to a science at this point in your life....how are things with your guy going? Does he give you the space you desire, like you speak of here in this thread? Just curious.



Gail:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 2:06pm
It's not down to a science - once you maintain the perspective of selflessness, it comes naturally, at least to me. Things are going fine - I do sense he is a person who likes to take things at a reasonable pace and who likes his space and there have been several times where I used my head and knew when to give him space, when to leave, etc - all of it in a very positive way. His reactions to me show me that my approach - selflessness - thinking of him and his needs rather than letting any insecurities or needs for assurance that I might have - works very well in this situation because he seems happy and comfortable and natural and appreciative - even though nothing about space has been discussed and does not need to be discussed. I am attracted to people who are reasonably assertive and confident and leaders - who have busy, fulfilling lives - so that means if I am to be a part of that I need to integrate slowly and carefully and be very attune to vibes and dynamics and energy - we basically are in touch every day at least briefly but sometimes not at all - and see each other about three times a week - am I getting my needs met - yes - not the "needs" that can come from irrational insecurities - but meeting those needs for me would create a bad dynamic - and would require a man who wanted to experience that - and that type of man typically is a turn off for me. I do not "need" a man to raise my self esteem, to take me places, to change a lightbulb or make me dinner, to take me on a vacation or to pay my rent or any of my bills - I want a reasonably equal partnership, and a best friend and lover, from a position of strenght and fulfillment, not need. Need is too often a basis I see on certain of these boards, and among people I know, for a relationship - and that is great for the short term, but would never work for me for the long term.

So, yes, I do not say whatever is on my mind at the moment it is on my mind, nor do I share every thought and feeling - and that process for me requires thought before speaking sometimes and making decisions about timing - I might want to tell him an anecdote about a friend but if I stop, notice and observe it becomes clear that he is quite happy just quietly cuddling. The anecdote can wait in that case. Selflessness.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 2:21pm
That's cool, I see what your saying and that is great observation. Do you think he does the same, or has he shown you that? You mentioned a lot of your own and now I am curious because I have been reading a lot of whats been going between you two. You also mentioned you having your needs met, wht needs are they? I know insecure needs would be your feeling down and need him doteing on your every move and all but really what needs are being met. It is up to you to answer but I am intrigued.

Marie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 2:51pm
That's an interesting question. First, my needs - to be treated with respect, to feel comfortable, to banter, to laugh, to feel cared for and listened to - are they met - yes. Does he feel the same way as I do - I can't say for sure since we don't have these discussions, but I do know that I experience him as assertive, confident, secure, and not clingy and that he does not want to be clingy with anyone and that he doesn't like clinginess - which is the same as me - my insecure needs don't require him doting - rather they have to do with the status and progress of the relationship and mostly I have felt fine about all of it - the beginning was a little more uncertain but that is not something I shared - or needed or wanted to share - with him - he need not be subjected to my need for reassurance at a time when we were not yet in a place or at a stage where that would be an appropriate role for him.

On the other hand I'll give you some examples of where I think people are selfish in relationships - where a person calls the other to say "you didn't tell me you missed me - you always tell me you miss me - what's wrong???" or "what do you mean you want to do something saturday - why not friday and what are you doing on friday?" "you said yesterday you would take your profile down and I checked and it's still up!" or after an early date "you didn't call like you said you would - why - that upset me - were you really too busy at work?" "my therapist said I fear abandonment so please call when you say you will" "I bumped into my ex today and he said I looked hot!" "my friend said that you should be introducing me to your family already" "what's that name/number on your cellphone/email" "hey I'm in your neighborhood - want to meet for a drink" (after an early date); "we have to talk!"

These are all things I wouldn't do - I have seen others/heard of others take/taking this approach and typically without success - some women take this approach in the name of honesty or in the name of "that's just who I am" - often, but not always I find this to be not the case - it is in the name of insecurity and insecurity "smells" from a mile away. Again, please, just my personal opinion - the only "success" I have had is 4 official proposals and in each case especially two of them, I let the man do the pursuing - on the other hand on the rare occasions where I have pursued in the beginning I have had no success and that is typically true of my friends as well.

Thanks for the post!

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