Thinking of settling...
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| Tue, 02-14-2006 - 3:37pm |
This isn't strictly an OLD question, although we did meet online. But I respect this group and value your opinions so I'm posting here anyway.
I'm seriously thinking of settling for less than what I want for the time being at least with the guy from CL (the spontaneous date from a few weeks back) because I'm so tired of waiting for what I want and not getting it. It's been 8 years since I was last in a LTR (which I define as one lasting at least 2 years)...I've had relationships of varying length from 2-18 months in that time that haven't worked out for a variety of reasons (I've ended some; the guy has ended others) and have been on countless dates...but I am no closer, I feel, to getting what I want...a loving, healthy relationship leading to marriage.
So, maybe it's like the Rolling Stones say...you can't always get what you want but if you try sometimes you get what you need. I'm really tempted to just say screw it and get involved with this guy, even though I think the chances of it leading to a LTR are very slim (he just seems very happy with his life as it is and doesn't seem to want the obligations of a relationship, even though he says he's open to one). On the plus side, he makes me laugh, we have several common interests (esp. music), we always have fun together (we've been out 4 times now), and he is *hot* and a really good kisser ;-)! It would sure be nice to have sex and companionship, even if it's not leading to a LTR. On the negative side is the near certainty that I will get hurt when things end (or just get frustrated), plus I will be taking myself off the market for the possibility (slim as it seems to be) that I'll meet someone who's right for me who wants what I want.
I'm thinking that since I emerged *relatively* unscathed from my fling with Amazon Guy, maybe I really can do this without getting *too* hurt (but it did hurt some, that's for sure).
Ugh...I can't decide. I am talking to my counselor about this as well as some good "IRL" friends but would appreciate thoughts from you guys.
Sheri

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I don't think he's interested in being in a serious LTR, let alone marriage, and that's what I want. He's 44, never married, last LTR was when he was in his 20s...he has a full life focused on his work (music) and his serious hobby (he competes in track events) so I just don't see him prioritizing a relationship. So, while it's not *impossible* that he could end up wanting a serious LTR leading to marriage, it's very unlikely and therefore I'd be taking a big risk.
Sheri
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Sheri, that statement is so very true. I really think that sometimes we are so focused on what we want that we forget about what we need. I for one, thought I knew exactly what I wanted in a man, but when I wasn't finding quality men who fit the criteria I set, I decided to be open to other possibilities and I am really glad I did. It wasn't long after I made that decision that I met Rick. He has two teenagers at home (13 & 14), which I didn't think was an option for me because I've BTDT, but after getting to know him and his children I couldn't be happier. He treats me better than any man I've met and dated over the four years I did OLD, which is exactly what I need and deserve. Our lives have meshed so well that I can't imagine getting back out there and dating again and from the way he's been talking lately I won't have too...WooHoo! And it's all because I took a chance on someone different.
I know that you'll hear "don't settle" from some other posters, but why not look at it trying something different instead of settling. I've never looked at it as settling, just as finally finding who was right for me. You'll never know unless you try.
All the best,
Libra
Sheri, I am in exactly the same place as you right now with my younger guy. I had this epiphany the other day -- maybe I don't really want a relationship the way I thought I did -- maybe I just need somebody who I like who treats me with respect and kindness, who thinks of me, and who is awesome in bed.
In other words, much to my immense surprise, I find myself in a FWB situation and quite satistfied with it.
The physical benefits are obvious. But the other benefit, which I would not have expected, is that things are so relaxed, the stakes are so low that we can both be exactly ourselves with no pressure to do or say anything except exactly what we want to do or say. I don't worry about what he'll think of me if I say such and such -- I just speak my mind completely, even after midnight when I've had a couple of drinks and we're on the phone. I don't worry about what he's thinking or who he's seeing. He has shown me over the last four months that he'll keep coming back -- he's not going to ghost on me. I may not see him every weekend, but if I call he's there. And somehow, that is working. And he is the first man in about six years to actually send me a valentine message. So it was text, and a day early, but it's more than I've gotten from anybody else!
I agree that you should go ahead and try it. Don't think of it as settling -- think of it as looking at what you need and accepting what's available. Like going to a restaurant and finding they don't have steak but they have a darn fine salad bar and great burgers. And, you really LIKE salad and burgers!
I have some experience with this. I dated a guy for a year back in 2001. I made it very clear that I wanted some fun and friendship, but not necessarily a life together.
Things were great at first, but he slowly started doing things that made me a little uncomfortable (squandering money and drinking). So at the 12 month mark I politely ended things. I guess he had gotten wrapped up with the idea that I was a pretty good deal and he behaved very badly. He asked me to marry him, I turned him down.
I'm sure you can handle a non-lifetime relationship, but can this guy?
You know, I can soooooo relate to your frustration and weariness at what is entailed with being in and out of relationships that don't seem to lead where you ultimately would like a relationship to lead, and how you can feel like "settling" is just easier even if this guy gives indications that ultimately, you are on different pages in terms of goals.
I assume you are not 25. ;0) I think, as we get older, frankly it gets harder and harder to find men who are on the same page we are (whatever that page may be). As we gain life experience, suddenly we have more of a clear idea of what we actually want. The hitch comes in that we are clear- and others are clear- and maybe, just maybe, it gets harder to hit a common ground of some sort that works for both involved.
Tell me, why do you have to "take yourself off the market," as you indicated. Is this because you would form an exclusive, monogamous relationship with this man, and hence not be looking to date others, even tho the possibility is there that your goals are different?
You know, we can't always *see* or predict how we are going to feel with someone after we've been involved for a while. You may find that this man offers enough stability, companionship, and affection that you need/want, and maybe its ok to have him in your life that way without marriage. Or maybe he will discover after a while (assuming you are together for a while) that he wants a more permanent relationship. I think beginning with a commitment to be monogamous and exclusive and to try it on for size for a while is not a bad idea. Just keep your heart open, and if you find that it really is not enough for you after you experience it for a while, then make a change.
I can *totally* relate to your thinking here...i'm with ya!
I guess it's quite possible that this guy might be the actual one for you. You don't know for sure if you don't give him a chance. I know what you mean about "settling", but sometimes the kind of guy we "think" is our type ends up not being the one. And I also know (in my own case) that what is oftentimes attractive is not what is good for me in the long run. I've always been attracted to that "bad boy" image but only acknowledged this in recent months.
Now, I'm seeing a guy who actually lives in the same town as I do. I NEVER thought I'd find anyone locally to go out with or have a real relationship with. And we did actually start corresponding via yahoopersonals. I had wasted a lot of time trying to meet guys who lived at least an hour away from me (thinking there was zero chance of anyone locally who would have a profile that was appealing).
I have been able to talk to this guy probably better and more easily than any of the guys I've gone out with in the last year. He's sweet, kind, and treats me very well. He's making me dinner tonight for Valentine's Day. He's a little overweight (something I never thought I could get past with a guy) but good looking overall. He has a sense of humor and seems interested in my life. None of these other guys I met online seemed very interested in me as a person (not for more than a date or two). We have been seeing each other for over a week and a half now. A part of me worries that it won't last, (residual pain from previous disappointments) but he seems sincere in a way that none of the others were. I would not have picked him out in a line-up as "my type", but I do love to be around him--am actually starting to get the butterflies when I think about seeing him again. He seems to feel the same way. He has said he never thought he'd meet anyone right in the same town. We actually live within blocks of each other.
The guy you think you might be settling for "might" be your prince charming, but you just don't know it yet. I hope it turns out great and that you can come back to the board and tell us how well it's going.
You can spice it up anyway you want too i.e. *can’t always get what you want* (cute by the way) and looking at the pro’s of such a relationship but the bottom line is you will be settling & in the end left feeling empty and here is why….
I think you should be really honest with yourself about what you want long term. If you want marriage, and you know now that this guy doesn't - you could be setting yourself up for a major heartbreak. You might go in thinking "this is just for 6 months, or 9 months..." - but what happens when you fall in love with the guy? Then he leaves?
I spent five years with a man who was perfect for me in every way, except for the fact that he didn't want to get married and have kids. He told me that in a variety of subtle ways, but I never listened. I always assumed if I loved him enough, he'd come around. He didn't. Major heartbreak. It wasn't enough for me to just be with him, I really did want to commitment of marriage and the plan for children in the future.
Now, I don't know this guy. He could be the kind of guy who is just waiting for the right woman to come along before he settles down. You could be that woman. It could all end very well for both of you.
I'm just saying to listen carefully to what he's telling you about what he wants, and make sure that aligns with your life goals.
If you do decide to "settle," as you call it (to enjoy the companionship and sex - which I totally get!), give yourself a timeline for getting out before you are fully invested.
AJ, enjoying life with C.
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