Thinking of settling...
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| Tue, 02-14-2006 - 3:37pm |
This isn't strictly an OLD question, although we did meet online. But I respect this group and value your opinions so I'm posting here anyway.
I'm seriously thinking of settling for less than what I want for the time being at least with the guy from CL (the spontaneous date from a few weeks back) because I'm so tired of waiting for what I want and not getting it. It's been 8 years since I was last in a LTR (which I define as one lasting at least 2 years)...I've had relationships of varying length from 2-18 months in that time that haven't worked out for a variety of reasons (I've ended some; the guy has ended others) and have been on countless dates...but I am no closer, I feel, to getting what I want...a loving, healthy relationship leading to marriage.
So, maybe it's like the Rolling Stones say...you can't always get what you want but if you try sometimes you get what you need. I'm really tempted to just say screw it and get involved with this guy, even though I think the chances of it leading to a LTR are very slim (he just seems very happy with his life as it is and doesn't seem to want the obligations of a relationship, even though he says he's open to one). On the plus side, he makes me laugh, we have several common interests (esp. music), we always have fun together (we've been out 4 times now), and he is *hot* and a really good kisser ;-)! It would sure be nice to have sex and companionship, even if it's not leading to a LTR. On the negative side is the near certainty that I will get hurt when things end (or just get frustrated), plus I will be taking myself off the market for the possibility (slim as it seems to be) that I'll meet someone who's right for me who wants what I want.
I'm thinking that since I emerged *relatively* unscathed from my fling with Amazon Guy, maybe I really can do this without getting *too* hurt (but it did hurt some, that's for sure).
Ugh...I can't decide. I am talking to my counselor about this as well as some good "IRL" friends but would appreciate thoughts from you guys.
Sheri

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There are *exceptions* to every rule however men are usually black and white.
Thank you all for your thoughtful posts!
I will try to address each of you (I already answered Singlemom's question though).
Libra--I hear what you're saying, but feel it's slightly different...what if Rick, instead of having kids, didn't want a LTR? Would you still have taken the chance?
Vex--he definitely is Mr. Right Now, so far as I can tell and there's not much chance of him becoming Mr. Right (but ironically his last name *is* Wright, so of course I had to give him a hard time about being Mr. Right--he's like, yeah, I've never heard that before, ha). Before I even do this, if I decide to, I would need to make sure he's cool with being exclusive (or at least sexually monogamous)--if he's not, this would all be a moot point anyway.
Sposa--I definitely have thought of you and your situation as I've been contemplating this. I'm glad to hear yours is going well. Do you mind if I ask how emotionally involved you feel? Do you think you'd be pretty devastated if he were to meet someone else tomorrow and break things off?
Chamey--that's an interesting take on it...I never even thought that he might get attached and not want to end it. Hmm, food for thought.
Pacsnow--you're correct, I'm not 25 (I'm 47)! And yes, I would really need to have it be exclusive and monogamous to be completely comfortable. I tried being sexually monogamous but not exclusive in my last relationship (which was LD) but it was really hard to keep my heart open so I'm not sure I would even want to try this time around, but we'll see...I'll consider both of us being able to date but not sleep with other people.
Mitsy--Congrats on meeting someone nice!!! That's great to hear. Actually this guy is pretty much my "type" (with one major exception that I'm almost too embarrassed to mention on here--he likes pro wrestling, argh ;-)!!!)--the issue is the fact that I highly doubt he's a "relationship guy".
SP--*believe me*, you aren't saying anything I haven't been telling myself. I *was* hurt when Amazon Guy ended our fling early (although we did end up seeing each other once more before he left and we have talked by phone several times since he moved and I'm completely cool with it now and don't regret it). But yes, you are almost certainly right about what will probably happen here. And I don't know that going into it with eyes wide open would diminish the hurt--probably not. I would like to be positive, I've been trying to be...but I just feel like that episode of SATC where Charlotte and Carrie go to that seminar and Charlotte asks the seminar leader, what if you're really trying and doing everything right and nothing's happening? What then??? Of course she ended up meeting Harry so maybe that's not a good example ;-).
I need to talk to this guy further and confirm my impressions about what he's looking for as well as talk about the exclusivity issues so I will defer a decision until after I do so. Thanks again for everyone's feedback and feel free to add more thoughts!
Sheri
Hi, our posts "crossed in the mail" so to speak.
I'm clear on what I want (a serious LTR leading to marriage)...I'm just not sure I'm realistically going to GET it, that's the problem. So if getting it is unlikely, do I give up what I want and settle for what I can get? That's the issue I'm grappling with.
I wouldn't assume going in that I would be able to change his mind...I would be giving up what I want, at least for so long as we are together (assuming this even goes anywhere, it's very early, obviously! Heck, he might decide today he's not interested in me any longer).
There's always the risk of falling in love and not having it work out...but here, the risk would be nearly 100%...in other words, I would be almost assured that I would get hurt when it inevitably ends. And SP's right...I pretty much get attached from the get-go, once sex is involved.
There are a lot of logical reasons NOT to do it, that's for sure. Sigh. I wish I didn't like him so much!!
Sheri
It is a tough situation, and I would be having the same dilemma as you if I were in your shoes. The draw of pleasant (and hot) company is strong.
What makes you say you are unlikely to find a LTR leading to marriage? I don't think you should necessarily rule that out. I know I am starting to doubt it for myself, but I guess I never fully give up hope. It can happen at any time - love is not reserved only for teens and 20-somethings.
AJ, enjoying life with C.
8 years of dating, that's what ;-).
On a more serious note, the number of men in my age group who are not relationship-minded (ie., who just want sex and companionship) is also a huge factor. I just think that statistically, given my age, weight, level of education, the fact that I'm in recovery, my unwillingness to put up with boredom, flakiness, emotional unhealthiness, etc...there's just not much chance it's going to happen. There are just way too many cool single 40 something women out there and not nearly enough quality guys who want relationships to go around. There's no way all of us can have the happy ending. I'm trying to be a realist and thinking that maybe I should take advantage of an opportunity that may not come around again in a couple years when I'm even OLDER and still looking for that elusive guy.
Sheri
Ack! Yeah, I feel that way about the elusive 30-something guy who wants a LTR and hasn't become jaded yet.
Give me about three more months, and I will really be missing the physical aspect (although I, too, get very attached after sex). I am already missing just having someone there.
From what I can tell, though, you are a pretty cool 40-something yourself - so don't write it off. ;)
AJ, enjoying life with C.
Aw, thanks, I appreciate that. I was including myself in that group ;-); it's just that it seems that there are just so many of us and so few male counterparts, it really makes me wonder how many of us will actually find someone and how many will end up alone.
Morbid thoughts for Single Awareness Day, LOL!
Sheri
You know, you've got something there---- I mean, I think its true that as the years go by, the pool changes!! I'm starting to find for myself that men in their mid-late 30's have been around the block a time or two, many if not most have been married, and what they seek in a relationship is NOT necc. long term commitment and the picket fence. But I think what women look for as they get older, wiser and more independent also changes.
So maybe you're right- a little bit of a relaxed attitude about contraints in who one will date may be a good thing- and who knows- it may lead you to a place where you are insanely happy with the connection you have made. =0)
Ok Sheri, here's my take on this.
From the years I've gotten to know (and respect you) I do think you tend to think things out before allowing them to just flow and grow. (That rhyme thing just happened, I swear!)
Maybe it's time for all of us to give up our laundry list of what we're expecting and waiting for. This guy has told you that he's open to a relationship, isn't that enough? Just because he hasn't had a lot of them doesn't mean he's not into having one now. Maybe you're the woman who will make him want one.
Honestly, and please don't take this the wrong way--I think it may help you to stop questioning and just go with the flow. It's very easy to next guys b/c they don't meet our criteria exactly, but we're going to keep nexting ourselves into singledom. (Obviously I'm speaking to you as well as me.)
So I say to go for it. Don't try to put all your ducks in a row, it's ok if one or two are out of order. See what he's about, enjoy your time together and see if something can grow. If you see that nothing with sprout, then end it. But at least give it an honest chance before you intellectually kill it off.
Mmmm something else... what are the concrete negatives to him? Make a list of the good and bad. If the good outweighs, then go for it!
Hope this helps.
Kerry
I have given this more thought than I really want to admit. But I think what it comes down to is my YM does not want to be involved in a "real" relationship with the obligations and entanglements that implies with anyone right now. He's going to school full time and working three jobs, and he just can't be that focused on anybody else. And I don't believe it's an excuse, I think it's the truth. Now, if he WERE looking for a relationship, i.e. girlfriend, and it was like "I want one, just not you," that would be different to me. This way it's not like he's rejecting the idea of being with me (even though the age thing is pretty significant). His situation makes it easier for both of us to kind of ignore the age issue. And the fact that we do see each other pretty regularly makes me feel pretty good. It's affirming in the sense that he doesn't HAVE To see me, he WANTS to see me. And I feel unencumbered by the dating "rules" that we all talk about and try to follow before we're really sure of a guy. I can call him whenever I want to, and I do. I can see him for what's more or less a "booty call" (LORD I hate that term) without feeling cheap or used. He calls me when he has good news, when he has bad news, when he's feeling lonely, and I do the same to him. Our boundaries are that we don't talk about who else we're seeing and we are not sleeping with others right now. (I honestly don't think he has time to sleep with anybody else.) If I met somebody I wanted to get that involved with I would imagine I would not WANT To sleep with him any more. But it hasn't come up yet. And he has at least 2 years of school after this one. How will I feel at the end of that time? I'm truly not sure. But it's not in my nature to be cautious about these things. I tend to let myself feel what I feel, and deeply sometimes, and prefer to accept the hurt feelings that go along with that as the price for living my life somewhat intensely. Does that make sense to anybody?
Now, if he met some sweet young thing and wanted to be with her, yes, it would hurt. But I *think* I'd be able to keep it in perspective, because I also am still looking for somebody to truly be involved with. I'm on Match, and trying to date, though it's not going that well. ANd I have friends out there scouting for me. But like the other posters said, the pool of suitable people gets smaller and smaller. WHen you're our age (late 40s) by the time you weed out the nutbars, losers and whiners, and look for men with brains (I need serious brains), and at least average looks, there's not a lot of "normal" left. I hate to say it but we're at an age where widowers are our true best bet.
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