Thinking of settling...

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thinking of settling...
36
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 3:37pm

This isn't strictly an OLD question, although we did meet online. But I respect this group and value your opinions so I'm posting here anyway.

I'm seriously thinking of settling for less than what I want for the time being at least with the guy from CL (the spontaneous date from a few weeks back) because I'm so tired of waiting for what I want and not getting it. It's been 8 years since I was last in a LTR (which I define as one lasting at least 2 years)...I've had relationships of varying length from 2-18 months in that time that haven't worked out for a variety of reasons (I've ended some; the guy has ended others) and have been on countless dates...but I am no closer, I feel, to getting what I want...a loving, healthy relationship leading to marriage.

So, maybe it's like the Rolling Stones say...you can't always get what you want but if you try sometimes you get what you need. I'm really tempted to just say screw it and get involved with this guy, even though I think the chances of it leading to a LTR are very slim (he just seems very happy with his life as it is and doesn't seem to want the obligations of a relationship, even though he says he's open to one). On the plus side, he makes me laugh, we have several common interests (esp. music), we always have fun together (we've been out 4 times now), and he is *hot* and a really good kisser ;-)! It would sure be nice to have sex and companionship, even if it's not leading to a LTR. On the negative side is the near certainty that I will get hurt when things end (or just get frustrated), plus I will be taking myself off the market for the possibility (slim as it seems to be) that I'll meet someone who's right for me who wants what I want.

I'm thinking that since I emerged *relatively* unscathed from my fling with Amazon Guy, maybe I really can do this without getting *too* hurt (but it did hurt some, that's for sure).

Ugh...I can't decide. I am talking to my counselor about this as well as some good "IRL" friends but would appreciate thoughts from you guys.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 10:58pm

NWw
you know we want the best for you..

so this is what i say this sounds like a big one.. Make a list of what you want and what you need.. If this comes close to the top then you have your answer.

for me long term committment marriage is huge. I cannot handle the instability of a casual r'ship or a r'ship that has no possiblility of a long term commitment it just would make me bonkers.. so personally speaking I could not do it ..and I would date him as "filler" and keep dating others until you find the one that fits.

NOw if it was something Like LIbraclass said, w/ the kids situation as Is mine, then I would say go for it .but to me this is a HUGE thing to settle on..

For me I dated a guy 2 years ago w/ kids 7 and 9 they were horrific.. and i thought he was the greatest most generous guy but I could not deal w/ his kids nor how he never respected my opinions as an adult. I told myself never date a man w/ kids again.

well now I am w/ a great guy and I think he maybe the "one" and yes he has two kids 3 and 5, but he respect and values my opinion and we have a very open r'ship w/ regards to his kids

BUT we are on the samepage w/ our goals etc.

I think that is huge if your goals are different can you sacrifice and give up a goal just to be w/ a man??

this is up to you... but i say date him and date others in the process too if you can. he is mr. right now until you find mr. right

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 11:09pm

I also want to add if this guy is for sure saying he is not looking for a long term r'ship or commitment , BELIEVE HIM. I agree that Men do not say things they don't mean and then we go into r'ships thinking we can change them or they will fall madly in love w/ us that they will want to commit.

do not think that way

again make your list if this goal is one of the top 3, then IMHO, i say don't go for it unless you can date him while you look for mr. right...

donot settle on what is important to you.. honestly is this something you'd be able to live w/ and then where are you in a year or 2 when he breaks your heart , starting all over again . would n't you prefer to keep at it now and know you didn't invest 2 years w/ someone that couldn't give you the number 1 or 3 thing you wanted?? i guess that's how i look at my current dating/r'ship.. the more time i invest the older i get , yes I had a r'ship of 4 years w/ a great guy, we did everythign together but he couldn't commit.. I was 29 when I met him, my prime time to meet/date looking for mr. right instead i settled because he was a good guy..

do i regret it , not, i learned alot in that r'ship, if i could turn the clock back though, I would have ended it at one year when I knew he didn't see me in the "big Picture"..now I am 37 and hopefully have found what I have been looking for..he fits the entire package except he has 2 kids which i don't.. that is a huge thing for me to settle on, but honestly it was not the top on my list.. there were more important things above a man w/ no kids..

just food for thought...

good luck w/ your decision..

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2005
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 11:23pm

When I first read the subject heading, I thought you would be asking if WE would consider "settling" for the sake of companionship. As I read further, my heart began to sink. Say it ain't so, Sheri!

I do hear your frustration on the 'not getting what you want' part, and the fact that t's been a while since you've experienced something remotely close to what you want where a LTR is concerned. But do you really think all hope is lost?

My feelings on settling are that it usually leaves me more sad than I would be if I just remained single- I dislike the feeling of longing for more, or knowing I deserve better.

If a long term relationship is what YOU want but not what he's willing to give to you- I can only imagine how unsatisfying that would be. But you also need to consider that, depending on how long the relationship endures, or if it were to end abruptly, how well you would be able to cope with that emotionally.

Amazon guy wasn't in the picture for very long (if I recall correctly) yet, he left you with quite a bruise. I'd sure hate to see you NOT getting what you want, then possibly getting hurt even worse later on when you have become much more emotionally invested with this person.

In the end, it really just comes down to what resonates best in your heart. I hope that by discussing this with friends and those who care about you, and who know you much better than we do on the board, that you will gain some insightful perspectives.

I wish you all the best in your decision, Sheri. You are a remarkable woman.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 1:50pm

Hey Sheri,


You know, the main thing that struck me about your posts is your relative certainty that you're going to get hurt!

 Start

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 6:56pm

Thanks so much for the additional feedback and thoughts. I do want to respond in more detail to what people said but will have to do so either tonight or later this week.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2005
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 8:20pm

Hi Sheri,

Well, I've been pondering this post for a couple of days now because it really hit home and I can totally relate to your "muddle" here. I'm taking a break from dating for a bit so I have no current/practical experience to compare it to but after reading jilly's post I found her advice to be a much better articulated version of what I've been thinking about all of this.

You ARE completely empowered by knowing where this man stands now. How many times has one of us been lured into a false sense of security by the man who claims to be looking for the LTR/Marriage deal only to be disillusioned/disappointed/hurt/dumped. Even if he were marraige minded there are any number of factors that could cause the relationship to end.
I suspect the reason you're contemplating this so early in the game is that your inclined to want to move this to a more intimate level sooner rather than later...and it's exclusivity implications (for you).

If I were in your shoes, I would go for it;-P Finding a companion who you truly enjoy being with is pretty rare at this stage of the game (us 40 somethings) and I would probably regret letting this go now more than I would regret going for it and risk the possible disappointment later...and as jilly said, how can you be so sure you're going to get hurt. You CAN control that.

Bottom line is: Know the limits of what you're willing to accept in this situation.

To paraphrase another Mick Jagger quote, "I'd rather regret the things I've done than the things I didn't."

Hugs,
Michele

edited for spelling...ooops! I just noticed I spelled your name wrong. Apologies;-P




Edited 2/17/2006 12:07 am ET by cheleinsf
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 9:50am
Well stated Michele and thanks! I too have been pondering (and trying to type my response) and you said it best in a nutshell!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 2:59pm

Hi Sheri,

I feel so inadequate to offer any advice here. Apart from the fact that I myself am in similar situation and still lost/confused, you've offered so many sound advices to people on this board that I think you've become a sort of a "pillar figure" here that everybody relies on (sorry can't think of an appropriate metaphor off the top of my head). We all appreciate and value your advices - and this can be reflected by how many replies there are regarding your post! So I don't think I'll be able to say anything more helpful than what you've suggested to people in similar situation: why not give it a try while keeping your options open? I am not sure if it's "settling." I was with my ex-bf for 5 years, and in the beginning thought that it wasn't going to last either (he made it clear that he was going back to his home country after his graduate study, that he wasn't sure I was the right one for him due to cultural differences, and he refused to talk about the future). But two years turned into 5 years (he decided to stay for PhD after a M.S.), which would've turned into marriage, if I hadn't bailed out (was tired of waiting and didn't know that he had been thinking about marrying me - by that time it was already too late on my end because I practically forced myself to be emotionally detached from him - I thought we weren't going anywhere). So you never know how the future is going to turn out. I have to say that it was difficult for me though, and in retrospect I don't know how I managed to stay for so many years knowing that I wanted him more than he wanted me. But the point is, you never know. :)

One quote that I recently picked up is this: "Most people are rather certain they're miserable than risk being happy" Coupled with my motto "Carpe diem", it summarizes my take on this. I have to disclaim, though, that I am known to follow my heart rather than my brain, to the point that I often make irrational decisions (though never with regrets). :) Also, I don't know how much you feel for this gentleman at this moment or the degree of happiness you have, or foresee having being with him. Nonetheless, like someone else said, no matter what you decide to do, we'll all be supportive of you.

Jess

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-17-2006 - 11:28am

Thanks again everyone for the input, I really appreciate it.

However, it's looking like it's now a moot point, as the guy appears to have ghosted. I'm bummed, but I'll deal ;-).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Fri, 02-17-2006 - 3:36pm

Shseri Sheri Sheri......it's Kiki.

How many times over the many years that we have been posting (you longer than me) have you given me the complete opposite advice in regards to settling. You can't settle for less than you desire!!! I am going to be alone the rest of my life because I won't settle and I refuse to change that.

You know the ultimate outcome is you spend time with Mr. Wrong and you won't even notice Mr. Right when he shows up. Free yourself up and don't EVER just be with someone because of the companionship and sex.

Dang girl.....you have the most amazing advice for us all here so listen to some it. Do what you know to be right for yourself.

Kiki