third date went great

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
third date went great
10
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 1:23am

Hi,

So I had my third date with this doctor guy. To be fair, I should defend him about sending me email during the surgery - there seemed to be some concerns about that. They take breaks, so it wasn't while he was performing the surgery. :P I would freak too if that was the case.

The third date went well... he told me that he really likes me and wants to see me all the time, time permits. He asked me "maybe you'd like to be my girlfriend? maybe someday?" He added "maybe someday" because I didn't say anything. I was kind of surprised because I didn't expect it to come so soon. I said "maybe..." and then he said that we can take it slow if I want to. I am not sure about diving in so quickly because I don't want to get emotionally attached so soon - I am afraid of getting hurt. Was it too soon of him to ask? I know that he hasn't had much luck on match, and that we are very compatible with each other, and the most important thing is that we're both very attracted to each other. The only reason I am hesitating is that we've only gone out for 3 dates and that's not enough time to know somebody. Some people might say just go for it and see how things go, but I really don't want to take any risks. It took me a good 8 months to get over my previous relationship... I am just too scared to go back to that state again.

The good thing is that he's not pushing me for it. He said whenever I am ready, he's fine with it... How can I tell if he's sincere or not? Should I continue dating other guys? Thanks.

Jess

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2005
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 1:54am

Not too sure about emails on surgery breaks. Either he is thinking of you all the time and needs to squeeze it in during the break or he's not a good surgeon who can remain focussed until the surgery is over. Well, it doesn't matter as far as you're concerned.

8 months to get over the last one? Well, only you know yourself best. As with another reply, I repeat the comment about being yourself. Don't date others unless YOU want to. Take it at your own comfortable pace and let time take it's course. Being yourself makes you happy; and a happy "you" is what makes others attracted to you. None of this phony stuff about being someone you aren't.

Three dates is but a short glimpse of who this person is. Then again, those 3 dates also makes him think more seriously about you. Why? Is there some reason he is falling for you quickly? Don't over analyze and let it be. Stay calm, cool and be focused on watching for the signs that says he is right or wrong. You'll know. Just enjoy.

If you do date others, that may give you a reference point and understand if you still feel the same if/when the next guy turns out "even better". Keep smiling!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 12:23pm

I'm glad it went well, but I'm sorry. It think this guy is a giant walking red flag. He is asking for a commitment far too soon (see the red flag email that hal posted) and he wants you available on his time (sure he's a doctor but he seems to have a habit of not calling when he said he would and calling in the middle of the night).

I gotta say I don't think anyone out here is going to say go for it and see how it goes. After three dates, you should not be making a commitment nor agree to be exclusive. I think that in the future, you are going to wind up feeling neglected and frustrated in this relationship when everything is on his terms, not yours. He hasn't pushed you yet, but I would guess that in the next couple of dates, he'll be asking you again.

If you want to continue to date him, fine. But proceed with extreme caution and see other people. I think you're looking at a world of hurt with this guy but I hope I'm wrong for your sake. If you haven't already, read the red flag email and the articles connected. I know I saw a few of them for this guy already from what you've said. See if you see more and think about it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 3:31pm

Hi,

Thanks for the words of caution. I myself am feeling very uneasy about the whole situation. I don't think I am ready to jump into a relationship so soon, with someone I barely know. His dating history scares me a little too (probably 20+ women in the past, not from online dating, but his last relationship was 5+ years long so I give him credit for that...) So, the question is, if I continue dating him, should I prevent myself from getting intimate with him? And if I want to talk to him about my concerns (or should I?) how should I approach it? Thanks.

Jess

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 3:44pm

I would take a "wait and see" attitude. I would definitely NOT have sex with him yet (I have a cynical suspicion that him saying he wanted you to be his GF was so you'd sleep with him), and I'd see how things play out over the next couple weeks...does he plan ahead, and do what he says he's going to do, WHEN he says he's going to do it?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2005
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 3:50pm

I have to agree with Sheri on that one.

CL-Truewild1969

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 4:49pm

Yes, you should definitely stop yourself from getting intimate with him. I know that's difficult in the heat of the moment, but you definitely should not go there with this guy yet until you learn more about him and his sincerity.

Talking about your concerns is a tougher one. If you feel you want to keep seeing him despite your uneasy feeling, then yes, you should talk to him and set "expectations" so to speak of the relationship. For instance, let him know that you don't like it when he sets plans with you and then you don't hear from him until 12:30 am. Say that you are not needy or possessive, but if you set plans and he has to cancel last minute, you'd appreciate a quick email or call letting you know so that you don't sit around doing nothing waiting and worrying about him. He's busy so things will happen but it shouldn't happen at YOUR expense and you shouldn't have to sit around waiting for his sorry butt to call.

I'd be concerned about the 20+ girlfriends too. It sounds like maybe he dated a lot in college and also that maybe he uses the term of "girlfriend" pretty loosely. He might mean it pretty casually as the girl he is mainly hanging out with at that moment but that it doesn't mean he is all that committed or anything. Just a thought.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 5:45pm

Hi,

I appreciate all your advices. I find them very useful. I hope it's not too late for me to *start* withholding intimacy, as we were already on the 3rd base last time... (partially my fault, I must say). Perhaps I confused him too: on one hand I told him that I'd like to take it slow, but on the other hand I succumbed to the temptation. Very bad of me, I know.

As for his past girls... Yes, he admitted that he was a frat boy in college but said that he grew out of that stage already. I am not sure if he considered them his girlfriends, as my question for him was "what kind of women do you usually date?" and he started listing all these women. I only had 2 serious relationships in the past (never really dated anyone before) so his history scares me. But on the other hand, if he didn't consider them girlfriends, the fact that he slept with them anyway still bothers me. It might mean that we have very different viewpoints about intimacy, and I don't want to have false expectations...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 6:03pm
By the way, just wanted to clarify on something here. I can see how this situation might appear to some people that the reason I want to continue seeing him is because of his doctor status. It's not - I would consider myself comparable to him in terms of external "qualifications" (education, career, etc), and I can't help feel frustrated that I have to put up with all this. But I do like him a lot and I think we have great connections (especially at the intellectual level, which is important to me). So I am going to give him the benefit of doubt. However, as some people here suggested, I will set some ground rules for myself (and try to follow through...) and observe with a very critical eye. For me this is a giant leap of faith, as there is another guy I met who I can sense is getting serious about me AND is sincere (he took down his profile already...). I like him too, but I tend to end up choosing the bad boys... :P I feel uncomfortable misleading him so I'd have to stop seeing him soon if I decide to keep seeing the doctor. Not sure if that's a wise decision; perhaps that's why there is so much hesitation on my end. Please bear with me if I come back a few weeks later, crying... lol.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 6:09pm

If you have a history of choosing bad boys, I think you should be *especially* cautious when it comes to the doctor.

And I wouldn't stop seeing the other guy if I were you. What have you discussed with that guy about exclusivity? You're not misleading him unless you told him you were going to be exclusive with him.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 9:42pm

Think about how each of these guys treats you. Does the other one (non doctor) treat you with respect and follow through with what he said he would do? Is he attentive and kind? Do you feel attracted to him in the same ways you are attracted to the doctor or is it different? Different is not bad, especially in this situation. It seems like what you have for the doctor burns pretty hot - you are attracted to him intellectually, but you definitely seem very physically attracted. Just know that physical attraction lasts only so long and then you are left with someone that you want to treat you well and is kind and thoughtful.

Don't stop seeing the other guy for a while. Don't get intimate with either of them - in this case, I would wait until you are exclusive before doing that. It's really, really tough to go back when you have gone too far and also to put on the brakes when you want to go forward. But if you tell doctor guy that you have been moving too fast for your taste and want to slow things down, he either respects your decision and slows down or he doesn't. I think either way, you'll get an answer but it is important that if you say this, you follow through with it. You'll seem like a tease and even untrustworthy (not to mention a pushover) if you tell him one thing and then sleep with him anyway.

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