Time and man's intentions

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Time and man's intentions
7
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 3:04am

Hello, just started reading this group. Love your interaction and hope you won't mind if I join with a question. I read in one of the posts that a 6 week wait is likely to weed out those interested only in sex. What's the longest a guy is likely to hang around if he is interested primarily in sex? And what counts as sex? Full blown interc or various stages of intimacy?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 3:09am

Oof. Those are pretty personal questions- I think that while there might be a consensus of opinions, that you will also find that it's pretty much up to each individual.

It's one thing if you know what's good for YOU and are just wondering what others are like; but if you're going to use what people say as a "rule" for yourself, well... I don't think that's a good idea. Better to find out what you think is right for yourself.

As far as finding out if all a guy wants is sex... 6 weeks will probably weed out most of the ones that are just in it to get some. But not all- there's probably players who're willing to put in a few months to bed a really hot gal (or at least one they're really hot for). Then they might move on down the road.

What counts for sex? Um, I'd say that darned near any contact besides mouth-to-mouth kissing can be sexual in nature- I mean, a through-the-clothing grope can be pretty dang sexy if done right. :)

Also, I personally don't understand the notion that oral sex is somehow less intimate than intercourse- to me, it's perhaps MORE intimate and definitely counts as sex.

But everyone's got a different deal on that...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 6:36am
Not wanting to be intimate would be interpreted as a sign of not really being into the other person. At that point absent a discussion I think the end is near.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 8:00am
I think this is a question that can only be answered on an individual basis. I recently decided for myself that at least four months of dating before I jump in the sack with anyone. I find myself not in the mood for casual sex anymore. I want there to be something more.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 10:40am

Hi Alu,

And Welcome! This is THE best place on earth to get your questions/answered discussed; I say it that way, as those here are Not here to sway your ultimate decision, but are a great 'collective voice of reason' when I am thinking of visiting another planet in my galaxy: Planet Stupid! ( I have frequent flyer miles there that are Big numbers! lol)

This question depends on what you, as an individual, feel about your morals and ideas. I would hazard to say that those of us who are over 40 tend to stay away from "throwdown sex"; ie, sex that comes Too early in the relationship and is, therefore, meaningless. But...this Can apply to all ages. How do You feel about this? That is the bottom line.

Personally, and being a woman of over 40, which is a Lot like being an 18 year old male (woo hoo! :), I keep the lid on the cookie jar as Long as I can, no Less than 6 weeks, but 2 months is even better. This is, I have learned, NO indication that a man will not vaporize on you Soon after that--but, it is the time when I can go forward, have sex and then be Able to handle it emotionally if he disappears, as I have made the decision to get physical because I Wanted To, and not to "hold onto him", etc. Therefore, if he becomes fog, I can qualify my actions and be okay about them...and Ding! next!

Having sex, on OLD, is NOT a way to KEEP a man--when I was in college, it Surely was! Times change. Two months with an OLD guy who said I was 'everything he wanted' and he even told me in his "Hasta Bye Bye" email that he was ADDICTED to me sexually....and he was g-o-n-e. Go figure. His bad! :)

Do what you want to, when you want to, Because YOU want to.

Truly,
Cupcake

Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 10:54am

Welcome to the board! Here's a little twist on your question...

If you don't want a guy who's just interested in sex, then what DO you want a guy to be interested in? If you are interested in a loving long-term relationship leading to marriage (as I am) then look for a guy who clearly wants that too. I think anyone should be able to state up front what kind of relationship they are looking for... or for those who have a hard time saying it, you can usually get some idea by their reactions to the things you say. Then take however long you feel it takes to gauge their sincerity. Get to know each other and find out if you are compatible enough to pursue that relationship. Don't settle for less than what you want or you just end up wasting your time.

Be clear (at LEAST with yourself) about what you really want and WHY and stick to it. If you're not clear about what you want, some guys will just take whatever they can get. (It's not a sexist thing either, some women are players too... just generally not as many.) AND, there's nothing wrong with just pursuing sex without wanting a "relationship" IF AND ONLY IF the status is mutually understood.

What counts as sex is up to everyone's own opinion. I agree with niceguy's post above, that oral can be MORE intimate than intercourse. But why does it matter what "counts" as sex, unless you're trying to justify some level of fooling around by saying, "well it wasn't really sex".

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 11:04am

You do need to feel confident with yourself and know what you are doing. Us, women, can get too caught up emotionally. I don't think we are programmed to have sex like a guy. I wish we were! I do think women should be able to enjoy sex just like a man and be able to walk out. However, I don't believe this actually happens.

My last BF waited 4 months before we had any kind sex. Yes, we did fool around, he knew I was interested and knew I wanted to, he also knew I wanted to wait. However, sometimes I don't think it matters as they will find it where ever. He did live 80 miles away from me so we only saw eac hother on the weekends. And after a year I found that he would put up his profile while I was away from my house. So, he was probably getting some that way!

If you want to have sex to keep him around don't do it, they will be there if they want to and leave when they want to. If you aren't sure if you are emotionally ready to handle the idea that he may walk out after, don't do it. Of course, I believe we have to guard ourselves from being hurt. But life wouldn't be any fun if we only worried about someone hurting us. We would never let anyone get too close. We just have to know that the reasons they aren't around anymore is that it isn't ourselves personally (yes, maybe our personality didn't with theirs), but it was nothing that you did.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 9:43pm
o.k. in my case, I was going to wait for a few months, but we slept together before that, and I thought, "oh, well.. if his interest is just sex, he'll dissapear pretty soon.." which hasn't happened yet. We were walking toward a restaurant in the night last week, and he was chatting, and suddenly he stopped and kissed me, so I am happy with my status quo. If you want to be on the safe side, I'd say waiting would be better. I don't know how long - I think it's something you and your guy should decide. I'd say anything two people get naked and do is sex.