Is is time yet?
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Is is time yet?
| Wed, 02-08-2006 - 2:13am |
I met a great guy on Match about 7 weeks ago. We emailed back and forth for about two weeks, then met. Our first date lasted about 8 hours - we had so much to talk about and there was definite chemistry between us from the start. We have been seeing each other 3-4 times a week and usually text or chat every day for a few minutes whether we see each other or not. I have met his mom and his two young children - he has been divorced 4 yrs. I feel very comfortable when i am with him, and we do stay at each other's houses overnite, eat breakfast before work, etc. However, I don't know when/how I should ask about exclusivity in our relationship- it has not come up on its own, LOL, and I sorta think it may be too early - I don't want to scare him off, come across as clingy, needy, etc. His job and kids take up a lot of time, so I don't think he has anything else going on, on the side. Still a friend told me that guys can always find time for that. I guess the main thing that bothers me, and I KNOW it's hypocritical, is that he still checks out his Match profile once a day. Of course, I know this because I do as well, but although I am still getting regular contacts from other guys, I am focusing on him and not seeing anyone because I want to see how this develops. He did tweak his profile a bit the other day - I noticed a few small changes to it. I wanted to ask him why, but I don't want to come across as controlling or jealous, so I have kept quiet. He has referred to me twice as his girlfriend when friends have called him while he's with me, and that seems like a good sign. I wonder if he is keeping up with his profile because he wants something to fall back on if our relationship doesn't work out - maybe he's insecure as well; or because he is not completely satisfied and is still looking? I really like him and do not want to push prematurely, but due to two bad relationships in the past yr., I am also nervous about wasting time with someone who is not sincere or who may make a fool out of me.

I suppose this is one problem with online dating- being able to see that they are still "fishing." For me, I would not expect a guy to get rid of his profile for at least 3 months, only because it takes awhile (especially for guys) to determine they want to be exclusive.
Do you think maybe you guys rushed into something a bit serious too soon? Usually for me, Ill only date someone like once a week for atleast a month and then gradually move it to maybe twice a week.... Everyone is different though.
I think a good way to play this (since he updated his profile which is fine)is to tell him you guys rushed into things a little too soon and that you just want to slow it down a bit. (Don't be available every single Fri and Sat. Heck, tweak your profile up a bit yourself and go on some more dates (you arent married). When you do go out, don't get sexually intimate (again, tell him you guys rushed it too much but that you definitely like to be with him). then, wait for HIM to bring up the exclusivity talk.
Never nag a guy for committment, it will only backfire.
I would discuss it with him in a casual, non-aggressive manner. Since he's referred to you as his girlfriend, I would ask him what that means to him so you can get a clear idea. And if it means exclusivity and commitment, then I would bring up the tweaking of the profile.
I would not play a game with him and go against what you want. If you don't want to date others and want to focus on this relationship, do not behave in the opposite manner.
If you bring up the conversation and he runs for the hills, then honestly I don't think he was the one for you. In my mind, should be able to discuss anything in a relationship.
Hope this helps.
Kerry
Based upon your post, are you guys going out doing things, ex. having dinner, going to movies, etc. or are you just going over his house hanging out till the next day! Also your friend’s comment about “men make time for that”; I’m assuming she is referring to sex??
The fact that his profile is still up and has been tweaked speaks volumes. We live in a society that meeting the mother and kids and having stay overs doesn’t equate to a committed relationship. Go figure!
The bottom line is “what are you seeking?” 8 hour dates, and seeing him 3-4 times a week gives plenty of time for conversation. Open your mouth and ask him what he is seeking and see if you both are on the same page! If not, then make your decision. Remember the only way to be used is to conform! Stick to your values and act accordingly!
Good Luck!
7 weeks is about the right time to discuss being exclusive, especially if he is referring to you as his girlfriend. I would suggest approaching it in a very casual manner - "Hey, I was considering taking my Match profile down because I'm not really interested in meeting other guys right now. What do you think?". This is not nagging, looking needy or clingy. It's being honest about what you want in a relationship. Also, if you are spending all this time together and being intimate, I think that you deserve to know whether or not he is doing this with other women, but do so in a non-accusatory manner. Don't go in all huffy asking about him tweaking his profile or whether he's communicating with others. Take it on YOU that YOU don't want to continue to communicate with others right now on Match.
If he says no, or hems and haws, then you have your answer that he wants to still play the field and you have to decide if you want to be the temporary g/f until the bigger, better deal he's looking for comes around. If he agrees, then you're in the clear! It does sound like things are going well and that it's time for the next step. If you two are really into each other and he's the one for you, talk about taking profiles down won't scare him off, instead it will make him happy that you're ready.
Are you serious...he's introduced you to his *kids*...but he still has his profile up??? What the heck is he *thinking*????
Frankly, I would really have trouble respecting a man who would treat his children so cavalierly as to introduce them to someone he isn't completely sure he is serious about.
But other than that (which I see as hugely important, but perhaps that's just me), it could be that he's doing it because YOU still have your profile up...have you considered that?
I think it's incumbent on you to bring up exclusivity if it's important to you. If you're sleeping together, it's definitely not "too soon"!!!!!
Sheri
I think the two of you need to have a talk about this sooner rather than later. I agree with Sheri that he may be keeping his profile up because yours is up.
I also agree with Sheri on the kids thing. I can't believe that there are people out there who are so casual about introducing their dates to their kids, and I hope this guy isn't one of them.
It sounds like he really likes you, and the "girlfriend" comment while still updating his profile would have me totally confused, so I think you're just going to have to bite the bullet and ask him what's going on.
I don't agree with another poster that you should wait for him to be ready to be exclusive. You get some say in this, so I don't think you should just wait for him. It's totally possible that he'll never bring it up!