too many phone calls and texts!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
too many phone calls and texts!!!!
Sun, 10-25-2009 - 9:24pm

So the guy I wrote about who is separated, who will be divorced as soon as the house sells ..... calls, texts and views my profile ALL. THE. TIME. We both said we want to take things slow. I think his idea of slow is not getting married in 3 months like his 2nd marriage!

Our first meet went well. We seem to have a lot in common, he seems like a nice guy and is successful in his business (as evident in each date he shows up driving a different type of vehicle!). Second date, things continue to go well. Although he disclosed some childhood abuse.... I have a therapy background and sometimes people just tell me stuff. Me thinking - ok....he didn't go into detail, I had asked about contact with his family, etc. Just be aware of boundary issues, etc.

Before we met, he said he only talks with/dates one person at a time, takes down his profile. After our 2nd date, he did take down his profile.

He then proceeds to either call or text me every day. One text I ignored because it was late and we just got off the phone after a 45 minutes conversation. So 2 hours later, I get another text saying "no response :( ....... I'm like wtf.

He asked me out again during the week, I had to cancel due to a work meeting. He calls, I can't answer, swamped at work. We text a couple of times during the day. That night I get a voice message "I don't understand, really want to get to know you, like you, attracted to you, please let me know what's going on, I don't want to be a pest" all in a poor me voice. An hour later a get another message "not sure if you're getting my messages..."

So I call him back to have a "talk" about taking it slow, which means not taking down my profile, talk every few days, etc. He said ok, he wants to take it slow too. We made plans for this past Saturday night. I was to call him Saturday morning. So, he puts his profile back up (good!), but then views mine every day! and then calls me Friday night. I return his call Saturday morning, we go out Saturday night (last night). AS soon as we get to dinner, he brings up "please tell me how often you want to talk, how do I get in touch with you, blah, blah, blah. I reiterated taking it slow, I only want ANY form of communication every several days!!!!! Needless to say, I was very guarded all night, ended the night early. Had him drive me back to my car. We left it as I would be in touch with him, as HE SAID "you contact me". (I am legitimately swamped at work right now).

Can I be anymore clear??? Apparently not.....because today he texts me twice and views my profile again!

I do believe this is a Red Flag! Agree?

I can reason away WHY he is doing this, but it doesn't change the fact that he IS doing this.

Aarrrgghhhh! It's too bad because we have many things in common, and he seems like a funny guy/can laugh at himself WHEN he isn't acting so needy. The physical attraction didn't knock my socks off, but I think it could of grown. But now.... I want to scream "LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!"

Thoughts? Advice?

Thanks for listening.


Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Mon, 10-26-2009 - 5:26am

I think you've already sized up the situation: needy. I would be annoyed and turned off too. In addition to being needy, he sounds really passive-aggressive too.

I'm thinking he's just desperate due to his recent separation...not that you're not totally worth it. You've been very clear with him. I don't think I could date someone this needy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2009
Mon, 10-26-2009 - 12:39pm

Yikes. I'd run. Sorry that you have a lot in common, but I've learned to listen to my gut on these. Because how many men have you met in your life who pursue with such dogged determination? Any besides him?

Don't hold to anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and keep you from love.       ~Anonymous

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2008
Mon, 10-26-2009 - 4:26pm
In a way I feel a tiny bit bad for the be so dang needy ya know? But....this is to much for you, youve made it clear to him and yet he wont back off. Jeeez...the poor me voice, the tell me what Im supposed to do stuff? Whoa, he sounds like a child. I might be thinking about cutting my loses and bailing!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
Mon, 10-26-2009 - 10:16pm

Yeah, I do feel kinda bad for him. He seems like a decent guy in a lot of ways, and again, we have several common interests, even lifestyle similarities. But.... he is very needy AND he has not respected my boundaries (ironically, he hasn't contacted me today!).

My guess is the only reason he hasn't contacted me is because he knows he messed up ...he asked me some questions in his 2nd text yesterday and I haven't responded. I believe if he had his way, he would be communicating several times/day every day despite us only having met 12 days ago.

I also believe his issues run deeper than he's over eager cause he really, really likes me (though who wouldn't! ;) or that he's feeling insecure from an impending divorce.

I'll have to cut my losses and move on. I secretly was hoping he would be calling today so I could say "see!! we have different expectations/wants/needs, therefore not a match!" If he doesn't call for a few days like I asked, then not sure what I will say.

I do believe he has shown me who he is.

Must admit that I'm proud of myself that I'm finally listening and believing the saying .... "believe people when they show you who they are" .... as my pattern has been to minimize the red flags because I focus on the good in people and thought I could handle the bad.

Thanks everyone!