Too much to know from the beginning?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2009
Too much to know from the beginning?
Mon, 12-21-2009 - 1:55pm

One of the social meeting sites I use has various categories for the sort of relationship you hope to make.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-21-2009 - 2:58pm

I haven't had the same experience as you with the inappropriate early conversations due to listing LTR as a goal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2009
Mon, 12-21-2009 - 7:45pm

To me "dating" means that you are not really interested in anything long term.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 12-21-2009 - 9:36pm

I think it's very awkward to have to categorize like that. I probably would say "dating" because I am one of those divorced women who just got out of the marriage and as of this moment, I am looking more for just casual, let's go to the movies kind of fun. However, I wouldn't rule out a LTR and certainly if I met someone I really liked, I would keep going out w/ him--I wouldn't say "well, oh no, I don't want a LTR."

In one way I could see how the orig. poster could have problems, although I don't think I'd necessarily change the category of what she's looking for. I think that say if both people have a goal of getting married, then there are definitely certain types of people they would avoid as not being good marriage material for them although they might have fun dating short term. But even if both people know they want a LTR, they don't want to skip over the normal time table of getting to know each other. I don't know if I'd wait for months, but I don't believe in letting it all hang out on the 1st date either, since at that time, you hardly know if you can stand being w/ the person for more than a couple of hours. I think there's a happy medium somewhere.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2007
Tue, 12-22-2009 - 10:54am

IMO I think that LTR screams "need to be married this year".

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2009
Tue, 12-22-2009 - 12:32pm

discussion originator clarifying

Even with the limited experience I've had meeting people online I've noticed a few things that are so different from what would happen if you met that same guy in a more natural situation.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 12-22-2009 - 11:08pm

I'm 56. Married for 19 yrs, divorced 10 yrs, relationships on-and-off since. I figure life is short and I've been around the block a couple of times so I don't have the patience to see how it evolves. I guess this is not a great approach for I have scared off many a woman that way. LOL.

The thing is that I don't want to be exclusive with someone for months on end and then find out she has different goals and values. I am not saying I'd learn that up front but I am more than willing to lay out who I am and what I want in the beginning because I don't want to waste either of our times.

I'm not saying such approach(es) are right or wrong but just sharing my "philosophy" in mine.


We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2009
Wed, 12-23-2009 - 9:48am

I am more than willing to lay out who I am and what I want in the beginning because I don't want to waste either of our times.

That's pretty much how I like to present myself too Mark. I'm in my mid 40s and have a full and happy life. I would like a partner at some point to share that, but fit is critical on both sides.

So I'm honest, but not overbearing about it in my profile. I state that I would love to have a partner in my life at some point.

Your final reward will be heartaches and tears if you’ve cheated the man in the glass.          &nb

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 12-23-2009 - 3:32pm

Mark, could you explain a little what you mean by this?

"I don't have the patience to see how it evolves." I assume that when you look at someone's OLD profile there are certain things that you know would be deal breakers for you, so if you figure out from the profile that the woman meets at least the basic criteria, you email a little, maybe chat on the phone & she seems nice, then you meet & seem to like each other--how else would you know right away whether it's going to evolve? I mean you can't really decide on the 2nd or 3rd date whether someone is LTR material, can you?

What I'm thinking is that I can't decide whether I want a LTR in the abstract. I need to figure out whether I'd want a LTR w/ a specific person. So maybe I'd say that I want a LTR, meet a guy & know he's not what I want long term, but he's still fun to date for now. Or I'd say I just want casual dating, but then meet Mr. Wonderful and never want anyone else ever again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2009
Wed, 12-23-2009 - 4:23pm

When I say "I don't have the patience to see how it evolves," I meant I find it hard to wait for the person to "open up" to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Mon, 12-28-2009 - 9:51am

I am looking for LTR, but in my profile I would just say I am not into casual dating (i.e. a roll in the hay). Most of the guys I have met who are just in it for kicks made it pretty clear up front when they SAY that they want LTR, but their actions suggest the opposite (clues: call once a week or less, don't ask you too much about yourself, start the sex talk ASAP, etc.).

Some men have told me that they have been on first dates with women in which they have felt they were being 'interviewed' and that some women had 'checklists' for them. For these guys, THAT was too much, even if they are looking for LTR themselves.

I have had guys talk about ex's on the first date, but there is a difference in how they do it. If they are incredibly bitter and harp on how horrible she is, no I wouldn't want to date them again. But if they talk about some reasons why they aren't married anymore, how they deal with each other now (if there are kids involved), I think it's OK. It's an indicator, to me, if they are over her or not.

The guy I am seeing now, we talked about our ex's on the first date, because I have moved many, many times and he wanted to know why. I explained that my ex is bipolar and burned many bridges and we had to do it to survive financially (I also let it be known that I am much more stable). He looked at me in the strangest way, and I thought I had blown it...then he told me that HIS ex is bipolar, too, and that is why he is divorced. He said he had never told that to anyone before. In his mind, I 'got it'.

So while it probably isn't a great idea to talk about ex's if its all negative, it's ok if you talk about how you have moved on successfully