too picky?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
too picky?
6
Sat, 07-02-2005 - 5:21pm

are you too picky?????

i can't write my list of 5 musts (off the thread awhile back regarding the yahoo personals' article on finding the right person) - its always longer.

I have been known to be way too picky - sign of a committment phobe btw - but i'm finally past most of that. I think I'm better because I no longer require a guy to be 6 feet or over. No longer require him to be the best looking thing on earth. No longer require him to have a successful job/career. As long as I feel chemistry (which intellectual is more important these days) and he has a job - I seem to give a guy a chance.

But, alas Im still single. I guess I could choose one of the guys that wants a rs with me, but i'd feel like im settling...

Whats wrong w/ me? and do you tihnk you are too picky? really think about it. what guys have you passed up lately?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
In reply to: surfergirl77
Sat, 07-02-2005 - 7:34pm

No. Look, anyone can run out and get married, seriously. I've had plenty of BF's I could have married for the sake of marriage but I'm too wise for that. Marriage is supposed to be for the rest of your life for better or worse and in sickness and in good health -- seems a lot of people forget this when they get married and I really hate the excuse we grew apart, ugh.

You also have those relationships that you want to work on things but they don't. What you find important they might not etc so finding someone with the same shared values is also tricky.

Good for recognizing where you need to improve and good for you for loosening up, my ex the reptilie breeder was a new one for me too which means your capable of going outside your comfort zone. We learn from each relationship, grow and become a better person as a result of those experiences, ok.

No, you're not too picky. You know you're a great catch and one day when you least expect it someone is going to sneak up on your and charm your socks off in all the right areas and suprisingly you won't self sabotage and will be open to it because NOW your finally ready. You may have thought you were before but you weren't and now...... good things to come ahead for you.

Cheers,
S

 
 
Avatar for travkitty
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2003
In reply to: surfergirl77
Sun, 07-03-2005 - 9:34am

I use the term "selective" instead of picky. I know it's just an oxymoron, but it makes me feel better. :)

But, you CAN be too picky. For example, if you were looking for a guy who had to be an Aries, 6'2", between 180 & 190 pounds, blonde hair/blue eyes & is a doctor...and that's all you want...THAT is too picky.

I like a guy who I'm attracted to (can be a broad range of looks & builds), is positive, is going somewhere careerwise (can be in school, but at least focused on a goal), a nice guy, outgoing, will love my cats, a non-smoker/chewer, will put up with my baseball fandom & has a great sense of humor. Some would call this picky, but I think that my wants are reasonable in a lot of guys. Granted, the whole chemistry & compatibility thing is a factor to figure out in the dating stage, but my must-haves are vague but specific...but not too specific. I think you need to write a list of qualities you can't live without in a mate, qualities that would be nice to have but not a dealbreaker, & qualities you could care less about. Then focus on finding guys that fit the must-haves, weeding them out by virtue of chemistry/compatibility. Hopefully you'll eventually find a man (or woman if you're into that) who has YOU on their list of people who "fit the bill". Sheesh, this sounds harder than it is. How does anyone find anyone anymore? LOL!

Annie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
In reply to: surfergirl77
Sun, 07-03-2005 - 3:55pm

I don't think anyone can be too picky - just not patient enough!! LOL!!

It is interesting that you made a list of 5 must haves - from being on eharmony I developed a list of 5 must haves and 5 can't stands. Have to stick to those.

I do want someone I have chemistry with - or at least the hope of chemistry with - give him a date or two and see if it develops. He has to have a decent job that he likes - and he has to want to be fit/active.

I won't tolerate smokers, excess drinkers or mean people. And I really don't like riding motorcycles.

It is so basic. Yet so hard to find. I think one important thing is that he has to be "that into you" - to see that you are the right one - then it all goes so smooth.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
In reply to: surfergirl77
Tue, 07-05-2005 - 8:46pm

thanks chickies. been feeling really low lately about dating and stuff. kinda at the pt where I've given up there is anyone who I can get passed my pickiness with - and on top of that finding a person who can tolerate my butt =) I don't think the bay area is where I'll find that person. Ive heard it from many people who have been transplated here and then moved away - came back, etc. Said the bay area is one of the worst plcs to be single. Yet we're one of the top cities to be single (we have one of the largest single populations)... And no its not bc of SF being gay. Actually DC or NYC have large gay populations - just not as flashy as SF.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: surfergirl77
Tue, 07-05-2005 - 9:11pm
Just have to disagree a bit with Small Peanut; that cheery line about "someday when you least expect it..." is a lot of salami! I've always been known as picky, yet I've been charmed enough times in my life...it was crush, infatuation, or just sex appeal. NEVER did any man enter my life and want to stay. NOW I am ready...I really know what I want, and my list is longer than "5" as well. But I may have to look far and wide.....and I have to hurry! :)
Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: surfergirl77
Tue, 07-05-2005 - 11:17pm

I'm picky and I believe it works, to a degree. Specifically looking for the 6'2" muscular brown haired blue eyed stealth-tattooed rock-climbing yoga-practicing Libra doctor/poet whose favorite thing to cook happens to be your favorite dinner... may just be a little TOO picky.

But it's perfectly picky enough to want someone who is generally near your age or life stage, same or similar religious & political belief/worldview/philosophy, shares at least a few common hobbies/interests, and is generally attractive TO YOU. If you have kids or pets, you'll also want someone who will not just tolerate, but truly accept and appreciate them. If you're hoping to find a serious partner, I also think it's reasonable to want similar long term goals and ambition and climate preference and money management styles and desire to marry and/or have kids or not.

To each their own. The pickier you are, the fewer dates you'll probably have... but the more compatible they *might* be. Don't follow anyone else's "rules" if they don't feel right to you!