transition to a "relationship"?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
transition to a "relationship"?
5
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 11:13am

I don't know if people out there remember me, but I started posting to this board about four weeks ago obsessing about whether someone I met would call or wouldn't call, etc. Things got off to a pretty intense start, I proceeded to slow things down and insist on getting to know each other, and almost a month later, we are still seeing each other. I wouldn't describe us as a couple, but I can now see things moving in that direction. We're seeing only each other and have taken down our profiles.

I have a question for those who have been in relationships with someone you met online. Because we met through this medium, we had several intense conversations about relationships and sex before we really got to know each other, and truthfully, we're still getting to know each other. We talk a lot about our lives and histories but he hasn't met any of my friends yet, and I've only met one of his friends. I'm being careful not to lose myself in this person who I'm still getting to know, so we don't see each other everyday and continue to maintain our own lives and interests. A part of me is insisting on this because I'm afraid of becoming overly attached and possibly hurt.

I've come to like him more and more with time and want to move forward. To me this means we can assume we'll be spending time together instead of awkwardly scheduling appointments and that I'll be an important part of his life and not just someone he's dating. The time that we do spend together is wonderful and I'm questioning why I insist on maintaining space and spending time away from someone I'm becoming so crazy about. Because I'm the one who wanted to take things slowly he's backed off and left it up to me to broach any relationship discussion. Now that I'm ready to talk about it, I'm freaking out. I'm not saying I want to live together or spend every waking moment attached at the hip, but I am ready to stop keeping him at arms length and really start being a part of his life, and vice versa. I hope this is making sense.

That's my long-winded situation. I guess my question is just how have you gone about it when you realized this online person is someone you actually want a relationship with? Was it hard to do? What happened? Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 11:56am
It sounds like what you have is what the majority of us on the board are seeking (but are having a very hard time finding); someone who is interested in you and you are interested in them. Many of us have had one-date encounters or only a few dates with any one particular guy. I thought I was the only one with that dating pattern until I started reading the board postings more often. It is very hard to find a guy you are attracted to both physically and personality-wise. It sounds like your guy is interested in something maybe long-term. I would let him know that you think he's great and would love to see him more (if that is what you're wanting). Keep us posted. I'm about ready to hear a good story about OLD for a change.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 1:02pm

Hmm...it sounds like what you're doing is the smart approach. Even if you are "in a relationship" as opposed to dating, wouldn't you keep seeing your friends and maintain your own interests?

If you've only been dating for a month, I think continuing to take things slowly for another month at least would be a really good idea. The dating masks don't really start to come off until at least 3-4 months into it, so keeping a "wait and see" attitude for at least that long is a good idea.

In any event, the move from dating to being in a committed relationship should be a gradual process and I've always found that to happen pretty naturally. You go from 1-2 dates a week to 3-4, and gradually you start spending the better part of your weekends together, etc. I'm not sure that any sort of discussion is necessary, other than perhaps something like "I'd like to start seeing each other a little more often if that's ok with you".

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 10:53pm

I'm going on nine months with a man I met online (Yahoo Personals) last March. I'd been doing OLD for about a year and a half before we met.

Everything I know about relationships post-divorce I learned from Sheri's sage advice. I only wish I'd had her insight BEFORE I got married all those years ago! LOL -

When she says "I'm not sure that any sort of discussion is necessary", she's right -- in my case, anyway, gradually spending more time together simply evolved naturally. You go from 1-2 dates a week to 3-4, and gradually you start spending the better part of your weekends together, etc., as she says.

My beau and I are currently discussing moving in together, but even still, I spend a day or two a week at my place, with my friends, my neglected feline beasts, and our time together will often incorporate "apart" time as well -- a trip to the gym, a shift at the animal shelter --

As she also says, a month is very, very early in a relationship, so tread lightly. And enjoy!!

Tracy

Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 1:35pm

I agree it's very early to be thinking about "relationshipping".

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 1:42pm

Yes, continuing to take things slow and not push anything sounds like the sensible thing to do, especially when it's only been about a month. I think the holidays messed with my head--we were apart for almost a week and I missed him more than I had expected to. We reconnected yesterday and before he arrived I thought about having a talk about where things are right now and how I would like to embark on something more serious and stable, but I also just wanted to enjoy my time with him and not get all serious.

So I will just focus on enjoying myself for now and wait until it feels right to ask for something more. There are still many uncertainties with my career and where I will be geographically in a year, whether or not we are truly compatible, and if we want the same things down the road. But for now, it feels good so I will not question it. I spend enough of my time being serious and analytical and while I usually bring the same approach to any budding relationship, abandoning all of that feels really nice.

I hope the rest of you have fun and pleasant surprises in OLD. I have a lot of fun reading about the experiences, but I can also see how frustrating and demoralizing it can be. Best of luck and many, many wonderful dates to you all.