Trusting your gut instinct

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Trusting your gut instinct
48
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 5:59am

There have been a few posts about trusting your gut instincts.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2005
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 6:11am

You were saying throughout the whole post how you don't trust your gut yet at the end you say that's one of the things you're going to rely on. How can that be?

I'm just wondering because I'm in the same boat. Right now I trust actions - nothing else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 7:36am

Sorry, I could have said that better.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2005
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 7:48am

I am the opposite. I no longer trust actions. I had too many guys show how into me the are, then poof they're gone. That's how they reel you in. I was in a relationship once where he showed me everyday how much he cares. We were exclusive for about 3 months or so and I truly felt & saw how much I meant to him.
Then one day after we had a short talk I had a terrible feeling. Uh-Oh. My gut feeling is so powerful I hate it. What does it feel like? Fear. And it will nag me.
I later found an active profile of his on AFF. It felt like someone kicked me in the stomache. But, what relief that the nagging fear went away.
I guess I feel that if they show (maybe to much) how "into you" they are, they are covering up something they don't want you to know about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 8:43am

I think that it is great that you shared that with us. Awe. It's nice when we can share our innermost fears and our hopes with others in similar situations, or even not so similar in some cases.
I grew up with poor role models too....believe me! Very bad. The silence in my house was thick. There was nothing good going on. I always wanted to be at my friend's house.
I grew up afraid of other people hurting me emotionally and was very introverted. I watched people over time and figured out, for the most part, how to tell certain things...Like if they cared about me, if I thought they would hurt me, etc. I stayed away from people I was attracted to many times because I knew the potential for hurt was there. Later, I found out you have to take some chances. Sometimes you get hurt.
However, I *do* understand. Being careful in relationships and taking it slow can't hurt anyone! It is a good idea. It's just, sometimes, I still get an urge to rush head in and toss caution to the wind...and sometimes I may pay for it later....and I know that.

Sara

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 8:48am

Oh, just read your second message on this thread...
"...Actually this morning I woke up feeling sick. I had a great conversation with the german guy last night (see my dating diary). I think because I've never been in a relationship where the other person had the ability to really care about me, I think this guy has that potential, and it's making me feel nervous and anxious. I definitely don't want to just listen to my gut, my gut says I don't deserve someone to really care about me, that nobody can really love me because my own father didn't really love me. Ugh. I'm working on that one...."

{{{Hugs}}}....Sometime, you have to listen to your gut again...and along with his actions, you may be able to trust it. I say try not to push the good ones away because you are afraid, if you think you might do that.

Sara

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 8:59am

Ok, but how is 'not trusting actions' going to prevent the situation you described?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 9:36am

I totally agree!

I never really trusted my intuition, it would ring off like an alarm bell and I'd quiet it down with excuses like "oh he's just busy" or "you're overreacting". Then about 7 years ago I read the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker about trusting your intuition in situations.

For example, women a lot of times, will fight against their intuition because they don't want to hurt someones feelings, like say the elevator doors open up and there is a big guy in there alone, you get a sick feeling in your stomach, but you go into the elevator alone with him because you don't want to hurt his feelings or if he's another race you don't want to seem racist, but the thing he says in the book, would you rather not hurt the guys feelings or keep yourself safe??? Maybe he wouldn't hurt you and your intuition is wrong at that moment, but it's best to say, you are taking the next elevator than to go in their with someone that gave you that sinking feeling.

Another example was a woman who came home from the grocery store one night, her bag broke and a bunch of stuff fell down the stairs and from the next floor down she her a man say "I got it" and she got this thud in her stomach, she was instantly on edge, she shook it off, he offered to help her, she didn't want him too but he was being so nice so she let him, long story short he raped her in her apartment after he was done, he turned up the radio blasting and told her not to scream or he'd kill her, he got up to leave and she got up right after him and followed him out into the kitchen she said to him that if she breathed he would have felt it on his neck that's how close she was to him, he went straight for the drawers to look for a knife, she walked straight out her apartment door and she instinctively knew that the neighbors door was unlocked and walked straight in, buck naked locked it behind her and said to call the police.

After reading that book I realized we have that intuition for a reason, so I try not to shake it off, usually if I do, I was right in the first place. I have avoided running into my exhusband and exboyfriends because of my intuition so I really try to trust it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 9:39am

I agree Sara...also your gut isn't telling you that nobody can love you that is your head, remembering your past and playing with you...don't listen to those voices (oh now I've made you schizophrenic...LOL sorry about that). lol

Don't keep running negative tapes in your head.

Remember Stuart Smalley, seems stupid but works.

I'm good enough.

I'm smart enough.

And gosh darn it people like me.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 9:44am

I've learned that my gut instinct can and should be trusted when it's saying something negative, but NOT when it's saying something positive.

Because of a very bad experience a few years back in which I "listened to my gut" because something felt incredibly right, right from the start, I no longer do that. I think that's not my "gut" talking, so much as a lot of hope ;-).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 10:32am

I'm the opposite, firstamendment. I'm a fanatic about listening to my gut. This is what I know about it:

What my gut is for me is my litmus stick, I consider it my *self* telling me something. So when I feel something in my gut I stop and think about what I'm about to do. I ask myself "what do I want to happen here, what's the worse that can happen, who does this action affect, am I doing the right thing".

As far as relationships go, I do get good/bad feelings about people. I know myself pretty well by now so I can more easily understand what my gut is telling me. Of course, some people are very accomplished liars and give off no signals whatsoever.

***

I'm going to quote Rosie O'Donnell: my childhood formed me but does not define me. I was raised by alcoholics, which made home life untrustworthy, lonely, loud and dirt poor. Looking at that part of my life from an adult's perspective, not the child's, is instrumental in my development as a unique person, not simply a survivor of whatever bad things happened. Once, I repeated what I knew about relationships, but never again. I know what to look for now. Besides, I got 2 beautiful children out the deal so I guess I scored big time after all.

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