Trusting your gut instinct

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Trusting your gut instinct
48
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 5:59am

There have been a few posts about trusting your gut instincts.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 12:39am

How would you know if the german guy is any of those things, this early, especially the emotionally unavailable quality? That's a pretty easy thing to be deceived/mislead about, I think (and it's not always intentional on the part of the guy, I should add...I think there are quite a few guys who believe they are emotionally available, or who *want* to be, but they are not, really).

I'm not saying that he IS any of those things, mind you. I'm just thinking it's too soon to tell, one way or the other.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2005
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 5:24am

Jennie do you know the common thread that runs through each of these men
You picked men who on some level you know cannot meet a need for you. In this case finances and in the last Guy emotional one which would have led to the first eventually.

both con artist, theiving liar and hubby were all in doubtful financial positions.
My point is the self sabotage aspect of your behaviour.
I get a feeling financial security is very important to you yet you find ways to jeopardise your financial growth by bringing in downward pulling non contributors into your life. So its not so much that they wont leave You but that they will be a valid reason for jeopardising achieving your financial dreams.

Could you somehow feel you do not deserve the financial success that will be yours if you did not engineer these hiccups. and thus find ingenious ways to slow you down.

We stay who we are, therapy only helps us see that person better, so we know how to get out of our own way before we do damage.

My financial security is the most importand thing in my life more important to me than having a long life even (go figure)

I picked all kinds of nonsense men so long as I never had to worry where my next manolo was coming from.

I stayed and put up with Bullcr..p so I would not be without a high end roof over my head.
Child I have a law degree for christs sake.
I am not exactly stupid.

Well I had a mother whose idea of success is to have a wealthy husband even though she is a very well educated woman and her own mother was exactly like that.
Inorder to shine in my mothers eyes only a rich man will do. She did not care if he was a psychopathic mass murderer so long as he had money. and since I Hate her I internalised those sh..t values and did the sick crazy tango of her invisible bidding.

after my marriage which lasted 10yrs the light bulb went off and I figured that IF I MADE THE MONEY. I WILL NOT BE HELD TO RANSOME BY ANY BODY.

I went cold turkey. Started a lingerie line of my own.
I am happy to say It is doing very well and most importantly it has wiped away my fear of destitution.
I know I will never love a poor man, but now when I pick a man who can afford to fly first class round the world with me, he dosent have to be a MF. and if I did not spot him before the fact i shall make a quick exit after the fact.

BTW make sure GG has his green card. These men are a work in progress you never can tell.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 7:02am
Sheri... how long do you think it takes to know if someone is emotionally unavailable? And what is the difference between being emotionally unavailable and a commitment phobe? I always lump those two together...
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2005
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 7:29am

Hi I know your post is addressed to Sheri
but may I take the liberty of answering if you dont mind.
Commitment phobic hates commitment period
emotionally unavailable is when for whatever reasons a person is not emotionally forthcoming in a relationship.
Usually all commitment phobes are emotionally unavailable but not all instances where a person is emotionally unavailable makes them a commitment phobe.

so one is a pattern of behaviour the other is an instance of a behaviour.

If I don't want to invest emotionally in a relationship, for one reason or another I am emotionaly unavailable.
If I always find that I am unable/unwilling to invest in a relationship because I view the attachment, commitment and all the other warm fuzzy stuff with suspicion and cynicism. i am a commitment phobe

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 9:21am

Hi, thanks for your response.... :o)


Ok, so what do you consider to be emotionally unavailable behavior?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 9:53am
Oh we were married to the same guy then.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 10:05am

The reason I know all about my baggage and I can describe it to you in a way that you see common theme's is because I've been in therapy.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 10:14am

I should have not said 'he is none of those things' I should have said 'he doesn't seem to be any of those things.'

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 10:20am

I think it can take months, especially if someone is ambivalent about their desire for a relationship. In some cases, you'll know right away; in others, it won't come out until it's time to propose and he gets cold feet.

I think the other poster who answered your question about EU vs CP was right on...almost all CPs are EU, but not all EU people are CP. One can be EU due to circumstances (depression, the end of a long r'ship, etc) but still be willing and capable of making commitments under different circumstances.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 10:27am

So what is one to do about it?

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