Tstephnic
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Tstephnic
| Fri, 10-07-2005 - 12:05pm |
Tstephnic,
I saw your post in my diary and my answer is I don't know.
prior to the conversation of taking down profiles, you were on the fence about him. I’m curious as to who brought up the idea of taking down profiles? It seems you want exclusivity before having sex; mainly cause you used intimacy in the past as the basis for getting close to someone other than getting to know them.
I brought it up.


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Jenny, I've been following your posts, I feel bad about GG, we are born natural romantics, loving and awesome and would want to have a wonderful, mature relationship with a nice honest guy. Why can't that happen? I think you did nothing wrong, you were just following your heart and it's very despicable that after sleeping with you, he just dissapears. I am sorry, as I have felt that gut feeling too and it's no fun.
In my opinion, it seems all the guys are only after one thing, and it sucks, b/c we want more than that! But you know what, I think some women have made it easier for guys to act that way, some women are so liberated, they want them for sex only too. I tend to despise those women b/c they're so easy, they can bed anyone and men would not say no to a hot session. Especially online, I've peaked at some of the women's profiles and they are so superficial. Men are the predators and if women make for an easy catch, they'll keep hunting (hopping in bed) for the next one. That makes it difficult for them to commit to just one person, there are so many more easy fish to catch. It is a sad situation.
Let me tell you about my situation, I have date #4 with Harrison (he looks like Harrison Ford) tomorrow, he's been calling me like once or twice a week, we talk only to set up following dates. He's very articulated, educated, great conversation, smart, goodlooking, so far he seems interested in me. During our last date I brought up the sex topic and clearly told him that I still don't know him very well, and would like to know him more before engaging in anything more. I had to bring it up b/c he seemed to get excited while we were kissing and hugging. And you know the caresses get a little bit more advanced... He told me not to worry about it and just to follow my heart that he will be patient (right, we'll see about that!) He had offered to cook for me for that date, but I told him no, instead, I would prefer a public place so we went to a comedy club. Now date #4 is approaching, but we still haven't set up a place to meet yet. So if he brings up the cooking at his place, I would have to put the brakes again and tell him not yet. It is so hard not to sucumb when you are so attracted to the guy, but I think I've learned from this posts so much and would have to follow Sheri's advice to wait up at least 2 months. Until date #8 maybe? lol... Since I met him we've only been going out once a week, I have children so it's hard to get up and go.
I am still dating others and it seems he is too, so exclusivity hasn't been discussed, it helps to dates others b/c my focus is not only on him. However, sometimes it gets tiring staying on this dating treadmill.
ps have you read the book called "you're not that into him either" by Ian Kerner? It's a funny book and I've learned from it alot, most of it applies to our dating stories. Check it out.
Gee, I didn’t think you would post this here on the Board.
Mixed signals meaning you state that you want to connect more on a emotional level, not a physical one and wanting to wait; but the next date you have sex with him. I felt you were feeling nervous and scared because you were not clear within yourself how to actually connect with this man without being physical. If I read your dating diary correctly, you commented on how great a kisser he was although you were feeling nervous and anxious. Then the discussion of the removal of profiles, to which he did not comply which added to your insecurities. I think your last paragraph about waiting two months and staying away from a guy’s house are things to consider for the next situation. It's possible the emotional connection will be there sooner!!
Maybe the quick answer is – just do things that make you feel good instead of insecure. Create personal boundaries, adhere to them, move at a pace that is comfortable for you and what you speak out of your mouth, make sure your actions match. Mainly get clear within yourself on a comfortable timeframe in establishing an emotional involvement and ways to establish one and then incorporating intimacy.
Hope this makes sense!!! (smile)
This is JMO.
I don't feel as if this guy dumped her because she had sex with him. I personally feel that she stated that she was hurt and wanted to take things slow, but then her actions spoke differently.
Men will be men and I believe if we were dating men who didn't want sex, we would wonder what the heck is wrong with them. Like yourself, you are attracted to Harrison, and although you state that you are not ready to be intimate and have decided to stay away from intimate settings, why the need for heavy kissing and hugging?? Once you have gone there, any man is going to say "oh yeah, he will be patient", but don't fault the man, you gave him a taste and he wants to explore further. Most guys think that once you have gone there, they can get you to go further.
Yes there are women who are very comfortable having sex from the first date or just want sex only, and I don't see anything wrong with that. I think women who are seeking more of a connection instead of physical one only, should act accordingly! Once you cross the line, don't go blaming the guy that he's out for sex only!!
So you tested the waters with Harrison, but you seem like you are staying grounded and you know that hanging at his place or yours is not an option for the next date. I think that is a good thing!! Time will tell if Harrison is seeking more of a connection or just a sexual one.
You are saying - you are not ready to be intimate and have decided to stay away from intimate settings, why the need for heavy kissing and hugging?? Once you have gone there, any man is going to say "oh yeah, he will be patient", but don't fault the man, you gave him a taste and he wants to explore further. Most guys think that once you have gone there, they can get you to go further.
I disagree with you on this one, b/c if you are attracted to the guy, of course you will kiss him and hug him. I never took any steps further, there was never heavy touching! I am trying to keep my cool eventhough I have my sexual side and would like very much to try it with him. I am sure I would feel dissapointed if I did not excite him or he did not think I was sexy. This is our nature, I was just referring to the people that are in for the sex only and are not looking for anything more substantial.
Thanks for your posting, but I think this is focusing more on me than on Jenny and I was referring to Jenny. I really enjoy her posts and it is unfortunate that they guy did not deliver as she expected.
I am glad you are getting something from my posts.
Your post related to Jennie's. The only difference is you kept your cool and Jennie went all the way. Not a bad thing, but unfortunately cause she was really not comfortable in her decision, is now feeling bad about it. I'm not focusing on the act, but just doing things at our comfort level. Heck we all make mistakes (trust me I've made plenty) but once we work within our boundaries, there is less reason to beat ourselves up at the end!
Enuf said!! (smile)
Hello Jennie,
There is no reason on God's earth for you to feel sick or disgusted with you.
Please do not entertain any of those feelings.
Somebody you cared about, on whom you invested a bit of time and emotions, is currently behaving in a manner that is contrary to your expectations.
Life is about taking risks, and guess what? you may not think so now, but you will get stronger and hurt less easily as a consequence. I know, I have been there.
You did not behave in an unpredictable and "contrary to expectation way" he did.
I hope you don't let this guy do any lasting damage to your faith in men etc. You gambled on his being right for you, he is making you doubt that position as we speak.
you have no culpability he does.
You are not a mind reader. If he had an agenda or issues ,those are his to deal with. Please do not punish yourself, or doubt your judgement. We are human and will make human decisions. It had nothing to do with the S either. Even if you had waited 10yrs, if he wanted to vanish after the act, he could still have done so.
Makes you wonder though, how seemingly intelligent, articulate, sophisticated, and all together classy men can at the drop of a hat still behave like the common cad.
dylmaycare, I could not of said it better myself! Jennie has nothing to feel bad about....its GG loss!
Sex or no sex this guy would have behaved the same. Maybe the timing wasnt right, maybe GG wasnt right for jennie, maybe jennie wasnt right for GG, but you never know unless you try.
i have beat myself up over a guy who I had dated 2x and slept with...then he ghosted. Was he out for sex-- yes, were there signs that I know know to look for--Yep, have I learned and wait until I am sure of his intentions--Nope. I have a tendancy to just put myself out there and charge full steam ahead, but I have elected not to beat myself up over it.
I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so down on yourself! Try to remember that it's a learning process...how do you think I got to the point of having the guidelines I do now?? Through painful trial and error of course. You tried something you thought would work for you...and if he'd been a different guy, it might have. You took a risk, and it didn't work out the way you'd hoped. Learn from it what you can, and move on...don't beat yourself up!
Sheri
He called last night.
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