Two questions for a first date

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2005
Two questions for a first date
11
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 1:29am

I met a guy online recently through e-Harmony. We'd both only signed up for three months and went through the "guided communication" that they have on there, leading up to emails. We've since texted a few times and last night he called me. We talked for a while and set up a drink date for Thursday evening.

Now granted, I haven't met him in person yet, but I think I might really like this one. We've got a lot in common, he's older than I am, we work in the same field, etc.

I don't want to screw this one up. I know that I can come on too strong, like texting or emailing right away after the first date, etc. I don't want to scare him away.

First question: How do I "guarantee" (as much as one can) a second date?

Second question: If things go well, should I wait for him to contact me? I really don't want to scare him off by chasing him, but part of me is always worried that the guy won't call if I don't contact him. (Despite everyone saying that the guy generally prefers to do the "chasing"!)

Thank you!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
Thu, 07-15-2010 - 3:27pm

Good advice from Floridagirl!! Just relax and take it one day at a time.....it sounds like you know your dating flaws and working on them and I think being overbearing will discourage any man.

Good luck!!

S

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 3:00pm
PS...many guys I have talked to who have met a girl they are really into LIKE it when the girl contacts them before they do. I do think, though, that it is definitely wise to let them do the contacting, initially. You contacting them first and getting a positive response from them is not an indicator that there will be a 2nd date.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2005
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 2:55pm
I don't think the thank you itself is what would be a turn-off... but more the fact that the girl may come off as desperate by emailing him "too early" or before he calls her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 2:54pm

Here is my $.02.

There is no way to guarantee a 2nd date (or a 3rd or a 4th, etc.). He will either feel a connection or he won't. If he does, you will hear from him, usually within the week...though, with me, a guy who has truly been interested in me has usually contacted me the very next day. In my experience, the ones that wait more than a day or so to contact me have usually been guys who just weren't that interested. I have one exception. One guy, who I contacted 2 days later. Only reason I did so was because it was his birthday and I had a good feeling about him, and wanted to offer to take him out to dinner. We ended up dating for 2 years. But that is an exception.

As for the thank you text? Well, it is my opinion that if a guy is really into a girl, he's not going to care/mind if she does that. It is not going to make him not interested in her anymore. If he was unsure of how he felt about her (not sure if the chemistry/connection was there, or whatnot), I can see that being a turnoff. But chances are, in this case, things would fizzle, anyway, unless the chemistry grew for him.

Now, if a guy was really into a girl, and she was being excessive with the texts (i.e., texting him over and over and over, not giving him time to respond before writing him again), then I can see that being a bit much and maybe turning him off.

Again, this is just my $.02.




Edited 7/14/2010 2:55 pm ET by cameragirl78
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 2:16pm

This post really has me thinking.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 5:37am

Yes, she does give suggestions on what to do.

The good news is that this author is not anti-feminist: she's just trying to get you a second date.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2008
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 12:07am

Yes, very interesting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 6:52pm
That's very interesting info.
Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 11:59am

Now that I'm thinking about it, there's a good book I read recently called "Why He Didn't Call You Back." Written by a matchmaker, she interviewed 1,000 men as to why they didn't call back after a first date. It's a surprisingly informative book.

Here's what she said:
"The top reason that I heard from men about why they didn't call a woman back came down to one thing: dominant behavior." This could mean bossy, argumentative, competitive, not feminine, not nurturing, too independent. She doesn't advise changing your personality (because you can't) but to to realize that you may be sending out the wrong message through certain behaviors on a date. Even if a man likes successful, independent women once he gets to know them better, you may come on a little too strong at first. There were other reasons, too including "boring" or "seems high-maintenance."

She polled men too on the "next day thank you email" and most men did not like it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2009
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 7:57am

I'll be interested to hear what others say about your post. I too would like to know how to "guarantee" a second date. I've been thru it many, many times where everything clicks and then I never hear from them again.


I've tried both approaches after the date. Saying thank you the next day by email and saying nothing at all. Didn't have that second date with either approach. I think you should do what feels right to you after you meet. There are no set rules that work for everyone.


Kepp us posted about what happens. Good Luck!!

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