Ugh, I've attracted another puppydog

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Ugh, I've attracted another puppydog
22
Fri, 06-11-2010 - 11:15pm

I've made a bad call...I met a very smart, kind, funny man who adores me. Guess what? He seems to have some dysfunctions that Were not evident initially. So now we've been dating about 2 months. and I feel a bit responsible for him---the problem is he's a bit clueless. He just doesn't seem to HEAR me.

For example...we were putting up my hammock when it broke (dropped me on my butt!)...he expressed interest in fixing it. I pointed out it had broken twice before and I felt it wasn't worth repairing. He insisted. I politely declined. Then he offered again via email. i declined via email. Then he came over to find I had put it in my garbage can. He offered again and I declined. He went home.

The next morning it was gone from my trash. YES< he came to my house, took the hammock out of the garbage and replaced some of the rotten rope. That evening, I had to do some shopping for a Girl Scout campout. It was late and I was tired. He offered to go with me and keep me company. We drove to the store. When he got out of the car, he went to the front and told me to pop the hood. Insisted that he check my oil. I declined, he insisted if I was driving to camp I needed an oil change, i declined and walked away (I was annoyed by that time. It was late and I had a LOT to do to get ready, and I'd had a lube not 6 weeks ago). We shopped and got back to my house c. 9pm. I was soooo tired by then, i just wanted to get the groceries into the fridge and get to bed and I said so. So he pulls the hammock out of his trunk like it was a great gift and asks if we can go put it up now. It was like talking to my youngest child who won't take NO for an answer. So I reiterated that I wanted to put the groceries away. He put the hammock in the garage and helped with the groceries and nothing more was said (I threw it away today)

On one hand, it seems he wants to be helpful, but it's like the goal of the helpfulness is somehow skewed. He is so pushy. IMHO it is more rude to ignore my politely expressed desires. I have been nothing but polite and kind, not at all bossy or demanding. Is this something passive aggressive in the extreme? He is always polite and cheerful, but it seems that the less attention I give him, the more he insists on doing something I don't really want him to do. He's done a lot of nice things...but something isn't right.

He is also quite whiny if I can't spend enough time with him. He emails me a lot. He pestered me so much about 'when can I see you again' I finally made a list of days/times I could see him based on my calendar, and, you guessed it, he still pesters me. Today he told me we need to have a serious talk because I wasn't clear with him that I had to work late all week. I have at least 3 mails where I said that and I know I said it in person.

What is wrong with him that he refuses to listen to what I'm saying?

So I know I have to end it, but frankly he seems a bit fragile, and I'm sure that the more I push him away the tighter he'll cling.

such a nice guy, it is a shame. I think his marriage really ruined him. He won't be good for anyone without some therapy. I think that will be one of my breakup tactics... to suggest therapy.

I guess this isn't an online dating post, but just a dating one. It might be relevant to mention that I was not the slightest bit interested in his profile and he was quite persistent/insistent that we meet. Now I know it wasn't just because I was the woman of his dreams...I think he can't help himself.

sooooobig

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2010
Sat, 06-12-2010 - 10:32am
If you weren't interested in him you shouldn't have agreed to meet him, regardless of how persistent he was.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Sat, 06-12-2010 - 3:46pm

I've been wrong before...despite my lack of interest in his profile, his second email was insightful and witty. I've been trying to stretch my boundaries a little and I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.

First three dates: Best ever. It wasn't like I was humoring him from the start...he was sweeping me off my feet.

And the hammock incident was only last week...I'm still digesting the whole thing. It is only yesterday that my annoyance started to really ramp up. Honestly at this point to block him completely would feel a bit childish. I think we know each other well enough for honest respectful discussion.

sooooobig
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2010
Sat, 06-12-2010 - 9:53pm

First you complain about him (at great length), then you get a reply you don’t like and you defend him (and yourself).

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Sun, 06-13-2010 - 6:57pm

I think you've missed the point entirely...I didn't actually ask a question (other than my rhetorical one "What is wrong with him...".)

My post was more a commentary expressing my sorrow that people face so many obstacles to healthy relationships. I'm a very nice person, he is a very nice guy.

If I can't connect with the people I meet on a human level and respond to them with intelligence and empathy, I may as well live in a cave.

Sorry, but I didn't expect you to solve all our problems in a couple of sentences.

sooooobig
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2009
Sun, 06-13-2010 - 10:45pm

You said that you know you have to end it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2010
Tue, 06-15-2010 - 1:48am
I agree with the taking something out of your trash being creepy. That's a clear violation of normal boundaries. I would make an ultimately clear and very final break with him, if I were you. I don't think he's going to take it very easily, and that worries me for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2010
Tue, 06-15-2010 - 9:11am
Thanks so much for clarifying your various points and sharing your
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Tue, 06-15-2010 - 12:17pm

The guy sounds like a real creep. Just reading about him

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 06-15-2010 - 9:49pm
I don't really think suggesting therapy is such a good idea. I would make it really clear that you are breaking up w/ him permanently. I'll bet you have to tell him that more than once though. He sounds more than a little strange to me so I hope you tell him when you are in a public place or over the phone.
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 06-16-2010 - 12:02am

For me, I immediately distance myself from anyone who does not listen. I cannot be close to them if that is how they behave. This criteria applies to potential friends as well.

Insofar as breaking up, I prefer (both giving and receiving) a short, "I'm sorry but this does not work for me." I find giving or receiving reasons just draws out the pain. Also reasons are irrelevant in why it does not work for one party or the other. If it does not work, it does not work regardless of the reasons.

If giving a reason then you open yourself up for debate and/or hurt on either side.

Mark

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