Ugh, I've attracted another puppydog

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Ugh, I've attracted another puppydog
22
Fri, 06-11-2010 - 11:15pm

I've made a bad call...I met a very smart, kind, funny man who adores me. Guess what? He seems to have some dysfunctions that Were not evident initially. So now we've been dating about 2 months. and I feel a bit responsible for him---the problem is he's a bit clueless. He just doesn't seem to HEAR me.

For example...we were putting up my hammock when it broke (dropped me on my butt!)...he expressed interest in fixing it. I pointed out it had broken twice before and I felt it wasn't worth repairing. He insisted. I politely declined. Then he offered again via email. i declined via email. Then he came over to find I had put it in my garbage can. He offered again and I declined. He went home.

The next morning it was gone from my trash. YES< he came to my house, took the hammock out of the garbage and replaced some of the rotten rope. That evening, I had to do some shopping for a Girl Scout campout. It was late and I was tired. He offered to go with me and keep me company. We drove to the store. When he got out of the car, he went to the front and told me to pop the hood. Insisted that he check my oil. I declined, he insisted if I was driving to camp I needed an oil change, i declined and walked away (I was annoyed by that time. It was late and I had a LOT to do to get ready, and I'd had a lube not 6 weeks ago). We shopped and got back to my house c. 9pm. I was soooo tired by then, i just wanted to get the groceries into the fridge and get to bed and I said so. So he pulls the hammock out of his trunk like it was a great gift and asks if we can go put it up now. It was like talking to my youngest child who won't take NO for an answer. So I reiterated that I wanted to put the groceries away. He put the hammock in the garage and helped with the groceries and nothing more was said (I threw it away today)

On one hand, it seems he wants to be helpful, but it's like the goal of the helpfulness is somehow skewed. He is so pushy. IMHO it is more rude to ignore my politely expressed desires. I have been nothing but polite and kind, not at all bossy or demanding. Is this something passive aggressive in the extreme? He is always polite and cheerful, but it seems that the less attention I give him, the more he insists on doing something I don't really want him to do. He's done a lot of nice things...but something isn't right.

He is also quite whiny if I can't spend enough time with him. He emails me a lot. He pestered me so much about 'when can I see you again' I finally made a list of days/times I could see him based on my calendar, and, you guessed it, he still pesters me. Today he told me we need to have a serious talk because I wasn't clear with him that I had to work late all week. I have at least 3 mails where I said that and I know I said it in person.

What is wrong with him that he refuses to listen to what I'm saying?

So I know I have to end it, but frankly he seems a bit fragile, and I'm sure that the more I push him away the tighter he'll cling.

such a nice guy, it is a shame. I think his marriage really ruined him. He won't be good for anyone without some therapy. I think that will be one of my breakup tactics... to suggest therapy.

I guess this isn't an online dating post, but just a dating one. It might be relevant to mention that I was not the slightest bit interested in his profile and he was quite persistent/insistent that we meet. Now I know it wasn't just because I was the woman of his dreams...I think he can't help himself.

sooooobig

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
Tue, 06-22-2010 - 8:28am

funny, when I first looked at this I took it as you were congratulating me for standing up for my ethics by treating him with dignity rather than slamming the door in his face! I do care about him and can't just throw him out with the hammock.


I was - I think that, even when someone has issues or is crossing lines, it's still important to be respectful (maybe this is the Community Moderator in me talking? lol).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Tue, 06-22-2010 - 6:43am
I just get this ewwww vibe.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Mon, 06-21-2010 - 6:40pm

funny, when I first looked at this I took it as you were congratulating me for standing up for my ethics by treating him with dignity rather than slamming the door in his face! I do care about him and can't just throw him out with the hammock. But you are right, that feeling in the pit of my stomach was a clear case of me needing to respect what my head was telling me.

Yep, I think I have learned A LOT from my divorce. 3 years ago I would have let this drag out for MONTHs before I had the guts to cut him loose (or cut myself loose in this case, from Mr. Clingy)

He called last night and we had a long talk to clarify my position and his. I thought we both did a good job of presenting our viewpoint and respecting each other. After all, he is essentially retired and has no interest in working 9-5 ever again. He needs to be with a sweet lady closer to his own age who has no school age kids and plenty of time for him. Casual dating just doesn't even compute with him, and I'm sure someone who needs his kind of attention will really be grateful to me for launching him gently back into the pond!

So here I am, taking a break from online dating for a while. I just started a grad class and I don't think I'll have much time or energy for it.

sooooobig
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2009
Mon, 06-21-2010 - 12:15pm
Going thru her trash, insisting on doing things she doesn't want him to do, showing up unannounced at her house after she's canceled a date, lurking in the hallway.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
Mon, 06-21-2010 - 8:11am
I just wanted to give you some (HUGS) and snaps for standing up for yourself and setting some boundaries! Keep us updated.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Sun, 06-20-2010 - 10:32pm
To each their own, but I would be *totally* turned off by now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Sun, 06-20-2010 - 6:26pm

OMG, after i called him and begged off for the afternoon (I had cramps and a backache and did not feel that was a good time to see him or break up with him via phone) He dropped by my house!

So he's lurking in my hallway just as I'm trying to vacuum it and he offers to help. I finally took him outside and sat on the front step.

He said it seemed I didn't have much time for him. I explained that we were at different places right now and I was content to see him 2x per week and he seemed to need a lot more than that. And due to his persistence, I felt uncomfortable having to be the one always saying 'No thanks'. He actually restated what I said (So I guess he HAS been to counseling). It was a kind conversation and he concluded by saying that he would have to think about it.

For the first time I felt as if he was actually listening....

sooooobig
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Sun, 06-20-2010 - 10:21am

So we had breakfast on Thursday before work. We talked about inconsequential things...and it helped me realize that if I can't delve into things that are more personal or important, what is the point? I'm chattering away about things that happened at work to avoid talking about what to do next weekend, or, heaven forbid, the depth of his feelings.

As he was dropping me off at work, he got onto the subject of teaching me to drive a stick shift. This is one of the things he won't let go. He is convinced that if I gave him one hour, I'd be driving like a pro. I don't have the use of my car for one month, so if I could learn to drive a standard, I could borrow his extra car! Now, of course I don't want to accept that loan, but I also don't want to learn to drive a stick shift...my ex and I spent hours on that 20 years ago, and I just couldn't do it. So he continued to pressure me about it and I finally just said: "When you are this persistent about something I am very clear about NOT being interested in, I feel as thought you are not respecting my feelings or opinions. I just don't have any patience for you!"

Believe it or not, I think he finally heard me!

we had a tentative plan to do something today, but I find myself not wanting to make the time. I'd rather clean house...and that is saying a lot!

Thanks to you all for being patient and not yelling at me.

I do feel responsible for other humans...probably a product of wishing that others were more considerate of my feelings. Mean people suck, and I don't want to be one of them.

sooooobig
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Thu, 06-17-2010 - 11:29pm
Yes, I have to say this guy scares me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2008
Thu, 06-17-2010 - 10:30pm

Yeah, I'm thinking that now that you realize you find his behavior annoying, best to end it sooner rather than later. It's probably not going to get any better.

Something else I wanted to comment on, you said you 'think his marriage really ruined him.. Maybe he ruined his own marriage - by being too clingy!!!

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