Unbelievable :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Unbelievable :(
30
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 6:30pm

Do you guys remember my post about the good looking indian guy about a month ago?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 9:35am
My theory has always been, "don't flirt if you are not available". A lot of heartache would not happen if men simply followed that rule (same as for women). The poster was led to believe he was not married until he told her otherwise. I would be equally ticked off.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 11:21am

I'm sorry you had to deal with that disappointment.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 12:26pm

Don't beat yourself up over this because this guys bad behavior is no reflection on you. This happens more often than you think. Still married guys hitting on single females saying "I'm in the process of a divorce" of "I'm still married but lonely". Unfortunately, you will find this online and offline. Hell, a friend of mine met a guy at at speed dating event, dated him on and off for 6 months (he told her he was an actor that split his time between LA & NY). When she got fed up that she was never invited to his home , she did some checking and found out he lived with a woman and a toddler.

Rule of thumb, don't date someone unless they show you the divorce decree. No exceptions. If you want a relationship, don't date anyone who has been divorced less than a year (except if they have been living apart a least a year). You don't want to be anyone's "rebound" girl.

Sure this guys may be in a tough situation, but that's not your problem. You are better off finding another restaurant to go to. No meal is worth putting yourself in contact with someone who's intentions are not honorable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 2:32pm

I guess I am the only person here who doesnt think this situation is absolutely horrible. Maybe it's because I'm divorced maybe I just have different morals than everyone here...but the man was up front and honest with you. He told you he was married and about to get divorced. He said he has liked you for some time and wants to get to know you better. I guess I just fail to see what makes him scum...he's getting divorced...out of the marriage. He wasnt asking you to marry him, he just said he was interested in getting to know you better.

*shrug*

Clearly you've made your choice. If you choose not to hang out with him, that's fine...but I dont see what he's done that's awful...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 3:15pm

Corbeach,

I don't think this guy is scum. I said what he did was human. I also said it was unkind and selfish. He flirted as though he were available, but he really isn't available.

That doesn't make him a monster, but it is thoughtless and shouldn't make any woman feel good about him. Remember always that a man who will cheat on his first wife to be with you may cheat on you to be with another woman someday. He doesn't see anything wrong with establishing a new relationship before the other one is officially over. That is selfish.

I do agree that he did the right thing to be open about her and tell her before anything had begun.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 3:28pm
I agree he's not horrible and that yes, at least he had the cajones to tell her before it really went past talking, but yes, I think it was unfair of him to act as if he was available by flirting with her. If he were truly separated from his wife and the divorce papers filed, that's one thing. But he's still living with his wife, she's fighting this and there are no divorce papers even drawn up. He might be in a bad marriage that he is PREPARING to get out of, but until he does, he shouldn't be acting like he's available because he's not. He hasn't done anything "so awful" but this is a lot of drama that most people choose not to get involved in.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 3:42pm
I don't think what he did was aweful either but it was careless because he is still married and flirting. But like another poster said sometimes we do thoughtless things because we get caught up in the moment and he's only human and is attracted to the OP. At least he was honest and good enough person to let her know this though before they started dating.
I know some people would risk dating a separated man who's going through the process of divorce but I know that i wouldn't for sure because there have been way too many stories of the person deciding to reconcile with their partner and then you are left in the dust. It's possible that he could go through with the divorce and there could be a happy ending, but if there is no emotional attachment then the OP's choice is an easier one to make in that she can leave without feeling too hurt and save herself the future heartache. To me, this would be too much of a risk and i would rather start over and look for someone new to have a crush on and date than risk the possibility of getting hurt later on. It's very unfortunate that she had to go through this and I feel for her but the good thing is that she didn't form an emotional attachment and the choice is hers to make. She would be much better off going for someone who's free and available with no baggage.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 4:08pm
Good post. I totally agree. I don't think this guy is awful either. I'm picturing a good-looking guy who is probably decent and would be great for the OP to date. However, he is not FREE to date anyone until he's divorced. To those who might give this guy a pass, I would say that dating anyone (even under the best of circumstances) is hard without mixing in estranged wives. I dealt with not only that, but a custody battle before. For those reasons, I will never involve myself with another separated guy and I am purposely looking for a guy who does not have underage children living at home. Just too much drama.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 8:55pm

Hey everyone, Thanks for the comments and even sharing some of your own experiences.


I've been thinking

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 9:08pm

Hey there!


I understand your frustration as I know you liked this guy, but I don't quite see why you are so disgusted with him. Playing devil's advocate, I can understand why he didn't bring up his divorce in the restaurant around his employees. And maybe he liked you enough to share that with you. But the point is he shared it with you. He didn't mislead you over multiple phone calls, he told you straight out.


I know it's frustrating to like a guy and find out he's involved, but I would try to think about it as a compliment. And brava to you for not going against what you believe.


I truly believe that you will meet a guy that's right for you. But honestly, I wouldn't condemn this guy because I don't think he's all that terrible. But by no means would I pursue anything with him.


I'll get prepared for my flogging because I know many will not agree! LOL