Unbelievable :(
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Unbelievable :(
| Thu, 02-01-2007 - 6:30pm |
Do you guys remember my post about the good looking indian guy about a month ago?
| Thu, 02-01-2007 - 6:30pm |
Do you guys remember my post about the good looking indian guy about a month ago?
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Devorah,
Sounds like you've got it all in perspective and are doing the smartest thing for you. It never hurts to have another friend.
Good luck!
Elsa
You never know. This sort of thing happened to a friend of mine about 10 years ago. A new man came to work at her job. They had many nice, casual conversations like you and this gentleman from the cafe. She knew he was married, so didn't think anything beyond that he was a nice, interesting man. Not one month later, he called her and asked to talk. He told her that his marraige was over, he wasn't in love with his wife anymore, and that he loved my friend.
He told her that he would leave his wife within three months, and he did. He followed up on everything he said he would do. I was very sceptical at first, and thought he was giving her a line. And how could he be so sure he was in love with my friend when he barely knew her. She did see him in the interim, but there was no sex, or so she tells me.
Long story short, they have now been married almost ten years,and have one of the best marriages I knwo of. I am gree with envy, and can't believe how she lucked out to have this man just drop into her life. She was divorced and not really dated much at all.
Maybe this will happen in your situation. Good luck.
We each have our own different set of "rules" for we each come from different backgrounds, cultures, upbringings, etc. The key for me is that it is the communication and understanding between people rather than having assumptions and judgments.
Once I communicate and understand the other, then I can make the decision to keep in contact with the other person based on my own set of values and what I want.
Make sense?
Mark
I can't believe some of the reactions here. People commonly think of themselves as "not married" once they're separated and in the process of getting divorced; it's very human nature.
In fact, it's so natural that on nearly every dating site, there's a separate category for status: Single, widowed, divorced, separated. (Some sites even have "married" as a category.) So obviously "separated" is commonly thought of as a subset of the "not married" people.
For that reason alone, I don't think this guy deserves the scorn and anger that's been dished out. In fact, I think he should be complimented for being honest; tons of people, probably more men than women but lots of women do it to, simply wouldn't tell that part of their story... or worse, they'd lie about it. This guy was honest.
Now, all that said- he still shouldn't be dating. My own personal belief is that you're either married, widowed, or divorced; "separated" means "still married" to me.
But the fact is that something ridiculous like 80 or 90 percent of all people who get legally separated wind up divorced, so it's pretty obvious once that happens that things are probably over.
Anyway, the guy doesn't deserve scorn or anger- he was honest. The reason you're angry, devorah, has very little to do with him and his circumstances, and a lot to do with what YOU were hoping for and expecting; when those hopes were dashed against the rocks of reality, you got bent of of shape.
My own advice? Don't "just be friends" with him. You're kidding yourself- he's obviously attacted to you, you're obviously attracted to him, but you also have a rule that you don't date separated-not-yet-divorced men. (Which is a great rule.)
I think, instead, you should have a nice talk with him, and just say "look, I'm into you, but I think that it'd be unethical to date you while you're still married and I think it'd be silly for us to pretend that we're just friends when we have chemistry. Get divorced and then call me."
And then either don't go to the restaurant, or go less often, or when you do go, just don't flirt with him. Chat, be friendly, but keep it on a professional level until he's free and clear to be with you on a personal level.
That, I think, will give you the best odds of success in the long run.
There's good news in all of this, BTW. He's honest and he's into you. That's a good foundation! ;)
Good advice.
"Anyway, the guy doesn't deserve scorn or anger- he was honest. The reason you're angry, devorah, has very little to do with him and his circumstances, and a lot to do with what YOU were hoping for and expecting; when those hopes were dashed against the rocks of reality, you got bent of of shape."
*IS* the guy separated? I'm confused by hjntiy's post because as I read your OP it doesn't even sound like he's even separated yet. But maybe I read it wrong.
And I guess I don't see him as all that honest--honest would have been not flirting with you and/or telling you his status from the get go. Him being honest NOW is a little late, IMO and that would make me at least a little skeptical about him.
Sheri
He's not legally separated and she lives in the house still.
Ok, thanks for clarifying, that's what I thought--I just got confused when I saw the other post saying he was separated and I was like, he is?? Saying you want to get a divorce is not the same thing as being separated, that's for sure!
In any event, it sounds like you have things sorted out as far as how to handle this--it sounds like a wise plan.
Sheri
You are doing the right thing to think of the wife. If he is a decent man, he should respect that.
If you can keep a "friend" connection with him, great, but you obviously don't want to get in a situation where you fall for him more and more. Even if he does leave his wife in the end, the more you care about him the more difficult the waiting time will be.
The thing to remember about his situation is that he is living with his wife who doesn't want him to go. He is therefore under a lot of pressure from her. And things may get ugly between them. You don't want to be involved in that.
Hang in there. Keep dating and meeting other men. If this guy is meant to be, you'll know when he shows you the divorce papers.
Elsa
Just want to clarify here ... I didnt REALLY mean "ALL MEN ARE SH*TS" - b/c obvioulsy, they arent. I was being somewhat facetious.
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