Unexperienced & lost
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| Mon, 08-14-2006 - 3:17am |
So, after trying online dating for two weeks, I started e-mailing someone. It rarely happens, because I have some weird requirements (not the kind of thing one would lie about, but still things that are hard to find in my home city/country.) We exchanged a few mails and from the third one the guy seemed eager to meet me, which I thought was a good thing since we live in the same city. He said he'd like me to show him interesting places because he's only lived here for a few months. For three other mails we talked about where and how we should meet. He always answered on the next day. And then, all of a sudden, he disappeared for four days.
Finally he e-mailed me today. I guess I was, as usual, being paranoid. Thing is, he always wants to get me to set up the date. I know that's probably just being considerate, but I'm totally not used to that. Having to suggest a date just puts me in the bad position. Maybe it's a cultural thing (let's say we're from, huh, opposite parts of Europe, or what De Gaulle called Europe anyway)...
How long should I wait before e-mailing/texting him now ?
Can I just say 'Tell me what you suggest and I'll see if I can make it' ? He doesn't know the city, so maybe that's holding him back...
Obviously texting him (he asked me to do so) would be giving him my cell phone number. I previously warned him that I didn't give my number easily - but truth is, phones scare me out of my wits. Calling him is just out of the question, although I don't mind being called (it feels less threathening.)
Edited 8/14/2006 8:34 am ET by gaby362

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With online dating, it has generally been my experience that when something doesn't feel completely right, there is usually a reason for it. If you have the slightest feeling that he may have suddenly taken a sudden shift from acting very interested to so so interested, back way off and make him put in the effort. I have done the same thing in the past where after a guy comes on heavy and then backs off a little, I pursued him thinking I had nothing to lose. Unfortunately, I think this has the tendency to backfire, giving the guy more reason to back off even more.
The guy should be making total effort in planning and arranging the date to meet. If he asks for your input though, he may be trying to be considerate. If you are the one making all of the plans though, you may be pursuing a little too much (more than he is)and not know his true level of interest. When in doubt, just back off and make him initate contact/plans.
Don't play games by "waiting" to respond or things like that.
Gaby,
I understand your concern. I've been at this for almost six months and I still don't understand exactly how much "eagerness" is a good idea.
Mary is right, the guys seem to prefer to be the ones who "chase" you. At the same time, you want to show that you are sufficiently interested/available that they aren't afraid of wasting their time.
To give you a specific reply to your question, my rule has always been that I follow the other person's lead. (This is not just true for dating but for developing a friendship, a professional collaboration, etc.) If he's writing every day, I will answer more-or-less every day. If he takes four days to write, I will take at least three to write back--or maybe five. (Same thing goes for phone calls.)
Regarding arranging a meeting, if he has indicated that he wants to meet, and if he has said or suggested that he wants you to arrange the meeting, I would go ahead and do so. The general rule is to pick a very public place and an activity which, if you don't like each other, can be ended quickly. Coffee at a nice central place is good. Lunch is also good since you can always discover that you have to rush back to work to finish this or that.
What I'd do is e-mail him back in about three or four days and casually ask, "by the way, when do you think we should meet?" If he replies that he still wants to meet, you counter with a suggestion of a place that you would be comfortable meeting in and see what he says.
Elsa
Thanks everyone! I'll probably write to him tomorrow, since today I'm seeing my family. Thing is, I really don't know much about cafés myself, hate malls, and I don't know what kind of place is appropriate. I would love lunch in a sushi bar... :-) I'm afraid it might a bit expensive for a first date, though, especially since apparently, in his culture, it's just impossible to go Dutch.
Mary, I'm sure you're right. The problem is that usually, when I back off, I don't just *pretend* to lose interest, I *actually* lose interest, and this has happened quite a lot in the last few years... I'm a passionnate person, and if I can't express myself - there's just no point in dating anymore. That's why I haven't dated at all in the last two years. I'm not trying to get married, I just want to have fun, and I don't have fun when I'm playing games. (I'm not saying thay your advice is to to play games, though - but given my personnality, that's how it would feel to me.)
Cl-vexer, thanks a lot. I'm not afraid of giving my phone number, though, I just hate phone conversations and go to great lengths to avoid them. I'd rather e-mail or text people, or just meet them. I wish my girlfriends understood that... But you're right, I will give him my number in case he's late or something.
Elarisa, I definitely agree with you. Actually he asks 'when do we meet?' and 'on which days are you free next week?' in every e-mail, just never actually suggests anything. I'm starting to find that weird, especially since I do give some answers (although admiteddly vague) and even suggest places. I mean, do I want to date a man who can't ask a woman out properly ? I'm starting to think that he will just find an excuse when I give him the time and place, which would be very humiliating - especially since he's the one who wants to meet me.
Edited 8/15/2006 5:39 am ET by gaby362
I think that some of these guys are afraid that when we meet them we will not like them and they prefer to keep planning/talking about dates to actually having them.
But it's better to know that this is what is going on rather than keep communicating with someone where it is not going to lead anywhere. Next time he asks you "when are you free" you could say, "I am free on Thursday afternoon around three for coffee or Saturday for lunch" (whatever) and add, "Would you like to meet at such and such a place for coffee (or whatever) or would you prefer meeting at this or that place for lunch on Saturday." Be specific but add "these are only suggestions, we could go to this, that or the other place instead."
Regarding where to meet, I agree that a sushi bar might be too expensive. Plus not all people like sushi and it's sometimes uncomfortable to ask for other food when at a sushi bar. But maybe you can think of a reasonably priced, interesting place with a nice light lunch menu? Or is there someplace you know of that makes great lunch salads or something else that you like that won't break the bank? If you don't like cafes, what about a nice ice cream parlor (one of those specialty places, perhaps with outdoor seating?) for a brief afternoon meet? If you don't like malls, is there perhaps an art gallery or museum in your town that has a cafe or pleasant cafeteria attached?
Good luck.
Well, as you suggested I e-mailed him saying I was free on Friday or Saturday for lunch or a drink, and gave him my cell phone number. Now he's texting me a few times a day, asking what I'm doing and so on, but he still didn't make any move... Sounds definitely strange to me, since I wouldn't bother texting someone I'm not interested in. I can't help thinking he's a nice guy but maybe a bit insecure. Anyway, I'd like to meet him once and for all so I can move on.
What can I do ? I don't want to sound pushy but it's getting on my nerves, plus i'm already losing interest.
Can I say 'Look, I enjoy chatting with you but I'll be very busy in the next few weeks, so maybe you could just tell me if you're still interested in meeting me, and if we can do it sometime soon. If not, it's been really nice talking with you anyway, and I hope we can stay friends.'?
Edited 8/17/2006 11:10 am ET by gaby362
I think that's fine, but maybe leave out the "Look" - that sounds a bit snippy and impatient.
Don't worry, I wasn't writing in English anyway so there was no 'Look' at all.
And by the way : problem solved, we're meeting on Wednesday. Unfortunately it's in the evening (because he's working all day, which makes sense since he's a diplomat) but there are many good restaurants in my area (including a great Irish pub with live music) and I can just walk home in five minutes. Wish me luck!
Edited 8/19/2006 11:23 am ET by gaby362
Sounds as if you are making progress. Meeting in the evening is not a problem, if you can be reasonably sure you will not be stalked and followed. You say he is a diplomat so presumably you know where he works. ;) Make sure you tell a friend or reliable acquaintance where you are going to be and with whom. Make sure this guy knows that you have told at least one person about him. And then relax.
At an Irish pub you can drink anything they serve. If you are not comfortable drinking an alcoholic beverage, order a soft drink or a "virgin" mixed drink. I would not be inclined to have a drink (without a meal) on a meet-and-greet, but that's entirely up to you. Just make sure you don't drink enough to affect your good sense.
Enjoy yourself. Even if the guy doesn't turn out to be what you want, it will be interesting to meet him at last. Let us know how it goes.
Elsa
Hi,
Just to say thanks for your help everyone, the date went really well. We seem to share the same views on most things. And neither of us is into phone calls! He even texted me later to ask how I was doing. ;) He was a bit shy though, and I'm not so good at flirting either. Maybe I should have been bolder...
Anyway, he just seems way too perfect. He was actually talking about taking me to a concert I'm dying to see - in December! I'm desperately trying not to get too emotionnally involved in this. I can't help thinking that it always ends bad, you know ? It can't possibly be true. I just answered his text message thanking him for the date... I really hope it will work.
Edited 8/25/2006 5:03 am ET by gaby362
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