update....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
update....
5
Sat, 08-16-2003 - 4:32pm
Well...I did not go to Arizona to move in with him..bought ticket..friends at down and told me what a mess my life would be if I left. Two days before i was to leave I told him I can't do it...reasons..he would be in total control not me. I could not do that becuase of what I will give up. what if it does not work out..No job, his home, his car...He was hurt but he agreed with me, but said he had no doubts...wonder why..I am the one giving up my life not him. But ne said AGAIN he will visit me..then I will go down their in early Sept for three days and visit him. Now if he can not visit again...I plan to break it off...he told me he wants to spend time with me, yet he has not...YET...

I mean we talk all the time..like 4-5 times a day on the phone and online.

I know what I will give up, and I don't want to. I plan to go to law school next year...and I am registered for Grad courses for the unpcoming fall. I have not told him that I did that..I know he would be hurt and upset because that means I will not be able to make a major commitment until Dec...but by doing this I will not be tempted to do something stupied...but I know I love him...and he does have alot going on with his kids..custody battle with ex-wife...who is a major B**** according to him..so I know she will hate me...he does not tell me everything...wants to in person...but he can't wait for me to meet his kids..***ok his daughter is 11...one reply said any child over ten can be a problem...WHY??

I want marriage..family...and a career...he wants me to go to law school...wants me to apply to a school in arizona, but I have to apply to other schools..just in case I don't get in...but I have not said that..is it really his concern what schools I apply to??

my mom hates him is a major problem..I have a bad feeling that the major reason he does not want to come here...because he knows her feelings toward him...but I have told him I am a grown women and can make my own decisions...what else can I do to let him know my mom does not control my life...

It is hard..I want a relationship...love...commitment...alone time with him...now I have to see what happens from here..right now..one hold really until he finally visits me...then I can go from their...

thanks you all....:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: willow2430
Sun, 08-17-2003 - 2:29am
Well, first to come to mind on his visit is money. I know being a single mom it is hard and expect that of a dad who is supporting his children as expected. Ok, now outside of all that. Him worrying about your mom is petty and should not be an issue. his kids mom, or meeting them is not an issue. You being afraid of letting him know your plans is... He should support them and be happy you have goals and striving for them even if you do not get accepted where he is. I think you should tell him and if he is upset there is a sign he is not ready because someone with an open mind will understand you apply there (in Arizona) and else where so not to be left out. Just my thoughts, I am sorry your plans didn't go as you wanted but I really think you made the better judgement. With or without a child I would have done the same.

Marie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: willow2430
Sun, 08-17-2003 - 6:24am
Your interactions with him sound like they thrive on drama more than friendship - and mutual support. If you're at the stage in your life where your mother's approval would be that much of an issue you probably need to delay any serious commitments until you are independent of her. Sure I want my mother's approval, but as an adult who makes her own decisions, - financial and otherwise.

I see the most positive path for you to take IMHO is to focus on your studies and go to the best - the best - law school you can get into - which is what I did - the name does count and if you're going to invest 3 years with no income and paying tuition you want a degree that will be respected nationally if possible, particularly given that you are willing to relocate. JMHO

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
In reply to: willow2430
Sun, 08-17-2003 - 6:26pm
Willow, I think you are thinking more clearly than you ever have. If you have doubts, right now, you should certainly listent to them. A visit is going to prove alot for you and him emotionally. I think you should both keep in mind, you have never met in person. I am not saying that when you do it will not confirm all you feel, but for now, let's just keep it realistic. I understand he wants you to meet his kids, and he wants you to something with your life, but listen to your heart and mind here. Be careful. Do not go move in with this man thinking it will be a bed of roses. It wont be. It never is when you put that much pressure on a relationship from the get go. I know, that is why I ended things with Mark coming to live with me and my boys this summer. We are still friends and he is still coming, but I am not pressured for his stay. He is coming on his own free will. Nothing to do with me. The way it should be. Listen, just way out all the options here before you jump. I really hope you just visit and he visits you and then you can both see where things go. When there are children involved, you should certainly tred lightly. It is a major thing. So, goodluck and I think you already know where you need to go with this. Just be careful and stick to your guns here. If you think it is not right, and you have doubts at any point. End it. Believe me, I ended things with mark weeks before he was to arrive and we had talked for 5 months. So, now...I am just dating freely and happy to be a mother to my boys. I made the right decision, and I am happy. So, hugs and remember we are here for you.

Email me if you need to.

twinklelitlestar@hotmail.com

gail:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
In reply to: willow2430
Mon, 08-18-2003 - 3:31am
Willow,

Glad to hear your not giving up your dreams for this guy. Although a very noble thought you would be so miserable in the long run. Gail is right, you shouldn't put too much pressure on this relationship...just go with the flow and the reason I said kids over ten could be trouble (I have a memory like an elephant! LOL...I never forget) is that they're old enough to understand what's going on and could possibly see you as the enemy if this whole thing is as messy as it sounds. Not saying these kids will. They might take everything in stride. But like Gail said, tread lightly. This probably totally confusing to them. Mom and Dad are fighting and they're stuck in the middle. It's probably really frustrating for them. And think about it...if you saw your mom or dad with a new person in their lives and you were ten...what would you think? (Unless of course one parent made the other's life a living hell and you saw it first hand). I think the best advice is to take it slow and see where it leads:). Wish you all the luck in the world.

M.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: willow2430
Mon, 08-18-2003 - 4:10pm
I'm a little confused. Have you ever met and dated him in person? If you haven't, I can't understand why he would be hurt or upset that you didn't want to move away from your home and in with him sight unseen. I thought only mail order brides did that. Why does your mother hate him? Is it because of how you met? Has she ever met him or even talked to him? How can you hate some you've never met or even spoken with? I must be missing something here. But anyway, I think you are wise to stay put and wait to make any decisions, until you've met him in person. And if/when that occurs and you still feel the same way about each other, it would be smart of you to investigate his background and make sure he is who and what he claims to be before you uproot yourself or make any major, life-altering decisions in regards to him.