update on the boyfriend with the ad....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
update on the boyfriend with the ad....
8
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 12:18pm

Hi everyone

First of all, thank you all so much for all your posts to my post below about my boyfriend still having his ad on lava. I did the honest approach and he didn't get mad or defensive. When I got home from work yesterday I was still upset and he obviously knew cause he was being nicer than usual (he is a very nice guy in general though). But then I said something to him in not a very nice tone though and he went into the other room for a bit then came back and asked me not to be mad at him. I said I wasn't mad, that wasn't the word, I was upset. And I asked him how would he feel if it was the other way around. So then he says "Promise not to be mad if I tell you the truth?" What kind of a STUPID statement is that?? Of course the person who is being told that line will be mad cause now they know someone awful is about to be said. So I start to panic inside thinking 'what is he going to tell me??' and more like 'OMG- he DID lie to me!!!'
So then he said he was on there earlier cause his friend called and told him he saw his ex girlfriends profile on there, so he went to look. He said he was sorry he lied to me about it. And he did seem very sorry. I didn't get mad at him, I simply asked if he saw it and he said no he couldn't find it. So I asked why he even cared and he said he didn't know, he just wanted to see. Curious I guess, I mean my ex had his up there too and I went to look at it. A bit of history- I am 27, my bf is 25. I was married for 2 years, together with my ex for 5 years and we just got separated a few months ago. My bf and his ex split up last summer, they were together for 2 years. Both of us were treated horribly by our ex's. We met just over 2 months ago and we became so close right away. He treats me better than any guy ever has and he really is a great guy. I admit we totally jumped into things. But this thing that just happened, he still swears he thought he turned his profile off a couple months ago when he told me he did and he told me to trust him. I said "well, I did" and that just devastated him when I said that. I asked him what else he's lied to me about and he swore there was nothing else. My gut tells me to beleive him. Even though I have been treated so bad by guys before and lied to constantly. Its hard to trust someone after your trust has been broken by others so much. But I really did trust him so it crushed me when I found his profile on there yesterday- and finding out that he lied to me.
So what is everyone's take on this now? What should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 12:36pm

Hi jikaf,

I'm sorry this is happening to you, but you are the only one who can decide what you want to do about this situation - if anything...

His lieing would bother me, but if you feel you two can make it through this and the relationship has possibilities, then ride it out and see what happens. But if you do that, I'm sure you will always be questioning everything he does and if he's telling you the truth. Once you catch them lieing it's hard to believe anything they say.

On the other hand, you only have 2 months vested in this relationship - which isn't very long, so if you do decide to end it, now would be easier than say 6 months down the road. I bet he's not too happy you caught him - but I always feel like everything happens for a reason and I think this happened to show you something...

Best of luck to you as you make your decision.

Sunshine

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 1:01pm

I agree with the previous poster,
you will have to make the choice
for yourself.

I know if it were me, I'd ask for
some space and time in order for
me to clear my thoughts, however,
you two are living together.

Can you remain in the relationship
and have an open mind? Will you
be able to trust him? Will you
be happy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 1:02pm

He get's creativity points for not using the "I let a friend use my account" excuse...

I'm not as familiar with lavalife as I am with Match - however I'd question why you have to have an active profile to be online looking.

Really tough to say either way on this one but I'd definitely consider this a red flag.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 2:36pm

He may have been curious about his friend's ex, but he logged in so he could check his email. There was no other reason to do so.

Why hasn't he deleted his profile? It would be the right thing to do right now, in front of you, op.

Trust has been shaken up here. But what did you expect? You have been separated a few months and have been living with a guy for a few months. You hardly had time to catch your breath over a breakup before jumping into a new relationship.

Good luck to you, you both need it.

amjay

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 2:45pm
aka - The Honeymoon is Over..
Avatar for barbrocks
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 6:18pm

Man... that's so hard.

I'm burned-out on being lied to, and being cheated on.

He definately lied. And, seems like he could be looking to cheat. For ME... I'd be outta there.

Maybe I'm hard-a$$, but I have zero tolerance for screwing around with my heart, my trust and my life.

Seems like he's had TOO MANY stories regarding this one. First he denies it... then he says he looked for his refund... then he says he was led there by a buddy. Since only one can be true, AT LEAST two of those stories are lies. Maybe they all are.

You need to decide what YOUR bottom-line is.

Good luck...

Barb

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 9:31pm

I have a bad feeling about this guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 11:32pm

Well, at the end of the day it doesn't matter what we say, you know him and you could tell better than we can whether he's being sincere -- I can tell when my boyfriend is lying big time (fortunately, just like me, he's a terrible lier). However, the fact that you decided to post here makes me assume that you do not think he's being sincere, otherwise you wouldn't be asking for the opinions of a bunch of people who don't know him. You have to decide whether you believe him or not. If you decide to believe him, fine, drop the issue and don't bring it up again, if not, then break things up as there is no point in being in a relationship where you cannot trust the guy.

My boyfriend got out of match less than a week after meeting me, we didn't have the "let's take our profiles down" conversation, I just browsed to see if he had been online (my profile was still active) and he's profile was no longer on the site -- I know he had paid for it 'till the end of May as well (he offered one of his friends to use his account, and just change the information and username -- it was actually my idea -- his friend still hasn't done it though). Anyway, if I went to check up on him and his profile was back up, it would really upset me, as we're already at the serious stage (though nowhere close to the point of living together!)

Oh, and most important of all: your profile DOES NOT need to be active for you to browse! He could've logged in, but why turn his profile back on? Plus, on Lavalife it says when it was the last time the user updated his profile info, you should take a look on that as well to see if it was recent (if he hasn't deleted it yet).