Update on "exclusivity talk"

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2003
Update on "exclusivity talk"
16
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 8:17am

The last time I posted, I found someone who after a couple of weeks, asked me if I wanted to see him only since he wanted the same with me. I agreed because I felt very attracted to him and thought he felt the same. I found it odd that he hadn't removed his profile from match so I told him that's what exlusivity means to me and if he's not ready to remove his profile, we should continue to see other people until he is. (I know, red light!) He insisted that he didn't want me to see other people and removed his profile promptly.

Well, a month later, things seem to be going well and he's spending a lot of time with me...on average, we spent about 5 hours on each date and even had a 10 hour date (no sex yet!). He actually escorted me home one night when we were both exhausted and went back home to his place which took him an hour. There was lots of hand holding, arms around the waist and plenty of kissing. He was spending money on me like water. He would call me to check that I got home safe after every date or would have me call him to do the same. So I felt like he must care for me in some way so decided to take the plunge and have sex with him after a month and yeah, he was hinting at it but don't all men? So I spend the night at his place and afterward, as always, he escorts me to the train. We had spoken about meeting up in the middle of the week and I was looking forward to it. He had not given me a definite day on when we would meet up that week and when I told him to call me, I knew it was odd that he told me to call him when I get home. I did and that was the last I heard from him until I saw his profile back up a few days later with a new screen name. I called him immediately and confronted him on it, telling him if he doesn't want to see me anymore to just tell me. He acted innocent of course and said that he was on his way to work but he'd call me later that night. I put my profile back up promptly. He never did call me that night but did send me an email that evening apologizing, telling me that he thinks we should both move on. I wrote back to him and told him in a not so gentle way that I thought he was a two faced back stabber.

I've never had someone do something like this to me and I'm upset because I was fine seeing other people but his desire to make us exclusive (which unbeknowest to me meant me seeing just him but him seeing others) made me decide to go to bed with him. I feel like a fool but also incredibly hurt because I felt like we really connected and I truly did like him even if it was all an act. Do you think that if I had waited longer to have sex, things would have turned out differently? Or was this just a classic player who would have left me either way? How could a man invest so much time and money in you and leave you after one night of sex? It just makes no sense to me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2006
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 9:47pm
If you're really into someone, I just can't imagine it. If you're not, can totally see it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Tue, 10-10-2006 - 2:30pm

Just because a woman doesn't want to have sex on the first night or within the first month; doesn't mean she doesn't enjoy sex or doesn't think about it! Most of us probably know from Day #1; but are seeking substance. I don't like when men think that women are NOT interested in sex cause we are NOT having it based upon their timetable. ICK!!

It's unfortunate he thinks this way though and you are right, he probably wouldn't have stuck around if you hadn't slept with him right away!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-11-2006 - 6:00pm

Yeah...IMO if a guy isn't willing to invest a couple of months of his time getting to know me before finding that out, then he's not worth MY time. It's a fallacy to assume that just because a woman doesn't get naked with a guy right away that she's not interested in sex and if a guy is going to assume that about me because I prefer to take my time, then he'd be missing out ;-), like your guy might have if the circumstances had been different.

I've heard that argument before from guys though, so it's hardly like your guy is the only one to think that way.

Sheri

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-11-2006 - 6:06pm

Oh, man, I'm so sorry this happened to you.

That's why I don't let the guy decide when to become exclusive--my preference is that if a guy tells me at just a couple weeks to a month into it that he wants to be exclusive, I tell him, it's too soon, I need more time to get to know you. I think many people can keep a facade up for a month, but it's harder to do it for 2 or 3. But that said, it's certainly not impossible and my feeling is that if this guy would do this to you at a month, he would do it to you no matter how long you waited. This is on him and his bad character, not you.

And FWIW, IMO there is no substitute for getting to know someone OVER time. In other words, having longer dates within a shorter period of time is NOT the same as getting to know someone over a longer period of time, even if you end up spending the same amount of time together. There's something about allowing time to pass that tends to help to see true behavior patterns emerge. I'm only saying this because you referred to having long dates (not to say that you should have done things differently)...I don't think that is as helpful as having dates over a period of time.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2003
Wed, 10-11-2006 - 8:01pm

Yeah Sheri, at the time, I was thinking that maybe I should wait it out to become exclusive because it was so soon that I couldn't believe it. I tend to fall quickly and I did for him so what he said was music to my ears at the time. It's hard for me to find someone where the interest is mutual so I thought I had found it. Boy was I mistaken. Silly me, I miss him or at least the way he made me feel temporarily that is. What's hardest about this though is learning to like and trust men again. This was the last straw for me I think and I don't think it's worth it anymore to date if nothing good seems to ever come of it. It just keeps getting worse and worse. I removed my profile and I'm trying to recover from the idea that someone could treat me like I'm so wonderful at one moment and like I'm worthless the next.

To the other posters who said that we weren't compatible sexually, I don't think that's the case. We were quite physical before we had sex (kissing, hugging, etc.) and there was no lack of chemistry in and out of bed. He just had no plans to date just one woman and the exclusivity thing was a way to hook me or anyone else who'd fall for it. If I hadn't caught him, things may have turned out differently because he did pick up the phone when I confronted him on it and acted all sweet with me. He had no idea I knew and I think he may have changed his screen name so that I couldn't find out too easily. Whatever the case, it's over and next time, I'm going to keep myself in check by reminding myself that if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. Thank you everyone for your input and words of encouragement. It has helped a lot.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 9:55am

I hope you don't give up altogether. But if you need time to recover you should certainly take it.

Also I apologize if it seemed like I was saying you weren't sexually compatible. That wasn't my intention at all -- my comments sparked a tangent that kind of took on a life of its own. I just meant that if a guy is sincere -- not a player or an adrenaline junkie (thrill of the chase) it can be fine. So in a way, having this happen is the way to find out. Unfortunately, most of us have a hard time not being emotional once we do have sex. That's another thing I've talked to my guy about. If our fling hadn't turned into a relationship, it would have cost me emotionally, which was a risk I was fully aware of and willing at that point to take.

Sposa

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