Update: I finally dumped him for good

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
Update: I finally dumped him for good
5
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 8:28pm
A few weeks ago I posted a message how my boyfriend of 7 months posted an online ad behind my back, we were exclusive and everything. I confronted him and he told me it meant nothing, he was just looking to see what was out there and wasn't looking for anyone. Then he continues to tell me he was confused and had doubts about our relationship. And I said, yeah, ok, but you don't go posting an ad! You communicate! He then took his ad down, and I thought, ok, mabye he's sincerely trying to work things out.

So, last Thursday we had dinner together to talk, and because I was unsure of things, had him bring my stuff up from his place, and I gave back his key. He still defended himself that he wasn't looking for anyone. We kind of left the dinner with things unresolved. He then e-mails me that same night, saying what a great dinner it was and how he was "still intensly attracted" to me and part of him still wanted to work things out. I e-mailed him back and said, part of me does too (dumb me!) but I still had a trust issue with him, and wanted to know exactly what doubts he had of us. This was Friday. I then didn't hear from him all weekend long, except for a short "we'll talk soon, I'll answer all of your questions, missing you" e-mail. I thought, ok, maybe he really is sorry and wants to patch things up.

That Sunday night I still hadn't heard from him. Curiously I get on match.com and guess what...he puts his ad BACK UP WITH A DIFFERENT USERNAME. I couldn't believe it. What a jerk. I immediately e-mailed him telling him not to bother writing me with answers because he's not serious, and I knew about the ad. Then he replies telling me "he wants me in his life, but knew it wouldn't work out". Yeah, that's called using someone, and I told him that. He wasn't happy when I said that, the truth hurts. I kicked him to the curb. I gave him a second chance and he blew it. I will never trust him again. I'm crushed but I will get over it. I will miss him, the person I thought was him anyhow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 10:14pm
Oh dear....sweetie. I remember your post. Yes, and I was wondering how things turned out. Listen, this man does not know his place in life and does not deserve someone as sincere as you. Please, here are some cyber hugs. Back to the drawing board as we all say here. no worries. More fish in the sea. he was not the one and know that. He was not the one or he wouldnt have been such a loser. Coward is the word that comes to mind. You deserve much better. Now you know what to not go for. Lean on us and get back on that horse sister. There is someone so special waiting for you.

godluck and please post more often. We love all the posts we can get here.

Gail":)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 1:27pm
Thanks for kind words and support Gail. But I have to say, I knew exactly what I was looking for in a guy before we met, he was everything I wanted when we first met, and the relationship was so wonderful for 6 of those 7 months. I really did not see this coming, everything just went downhill within weeks. We just didn't communicate enough until it was too late. Of course, our lack of communication wasn't any excuse for him to do this, so in the end I did realize how little character he had.

But, my point is, it will still be hard for me to know what to look for "next time". Some guys are good at hiding themselves. For starters, I think I will try to find someone locally (not an hour away) and communicate what we are both looking for from the beginning, and listen to my instinct. There were times when I felt I didn't trust him, but I couldn't pinpoint anything...so I ignored it, but I guess it was trying to tell me something!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 1:49pm
Eek - poor thing! Good for you for sticking up for yourself and letting him know how you feel. I'm happy to hear that you're ready to get away and make a fresh start somewhere else... I know it hurts and it sucks, but keep repeating "It's all for the best" as your new mantra.

What a jerk! And like you point out, trusting your gut and communication are two important parts of a relationship.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 2:13pm
Hey there,

As you know, I went through the same thing. I'm sorry for your pain, but you're definitely better off without him.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 4:22pm
Yes, I know I'm better off without him. In his last e-mail he did admit he was an a-hole for what he did and he had no excuse for not talking to me first. Still, I can't trust him and told him that. I told him even if he wasn't "actively looking" for someone NOW, eventually he would. I think I would have sincerely given him a chance the first time around, but putting his profile up a second time was unforgivable.

Anyhow, I've posted a profile on Yahoo Personals, just something new, other than Match. I have no desire to go on some dating frenzy, but if someone really great catches me eye and writes me, I'll definitely give it a try. I'm just going to take it easy though, not expect anything, and who knows who will write. You never know!