Update on last week

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Update on last week
34
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 10:12am

Last week, I had posted about someone contacting me through Yahoo. Like the big stooge I am, I signed up on the 7-day free thing Yahoo was offering and responded to this person. To date, he has not contacted me again.

To say the least, I today cancelled my subscription and there was a section where you could tell Yahoo why you were cancelling. That's all I needed. LOL

I wrote Yahoo and suggested that someone in their personals section should write an article on "ghosting" and how rude it is. Just because your behind a computer screen gives a person no reason to be rude. I also told them (as was suggested by someone who responded to my post of last week) that sometimes I wonder if they don't have an employee that sends messages to people just to get people to pay the $20.

Anyway, I let Yahoo have it and I feel better now. I still have my profile up, but no way am I paying any service again. Future contacts will just have to figure out that I'm not a member.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 10:52am

I think it's all a matter of expectations.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 11:11am

I'm glad you wrote them your thoughts because I also think there needs to be a very large section on their site which specifically addresses the problem of "ghosting" on someone. Perhaps, I take the whole OLD a bit too serious, but to me, that is almost as rude as standing someone up.

Either the person is interested in you or they aren't. Either they have way too many irons in the fire (trying to correspond with too many contacts) or they don't have the time or gumption to follow through with the ones they were originally interested in. Seems to me that the same problem exists both in "normal" dating and with OLD. The men often don't know what they want. I think the simple courtesy of telling someone that they have met someone else or that they simply don't have time to corresond is a lot better than just leaving someone hanging..wondering when or if they will ever contact you again. I'm still pretty ticked off about the one guy I talked to online for everyday for nearly 2 weeks (also talked to him on the phone) and now he's never online. He sent me a stupid joke e-mail one day last week but no personal message in it at all.

I'm told that there are some dating sites that actually find out if their clients are married or not - not sure how they do that, but I think it's equally important for people to join ONLY if they are serious about wanting to meet someone--not in it just for kicks or sheer entertainment purposes. I don't want to add anymore men to my messenger chat list unless they are going to keep up some kind of correspondence with me...hopefully with the intent of actually MEETING at some point. I don't need just more "chat buddies". I don't understand a man so quick to want to be on your chat list and then only sporadically messaging you. This is my main reason for no longer subscribing to any dating sites. I'm truly sick of the games.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 11:30am

I do agree ghosting is rude, but it seems you expect everyone to not be rude.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 11:41am

There is some truth to what you say, but the issue should be addressed somewhere on these dating sites. To me, it's almost as important an issue as if they are married or not. And while, NO, I don't think I won't ever meet some rude people, I WOULD expect to not meet so many men online who are not serious about ANY of it.

The fact that this has happened to SO many people indicates to me that this is a REAL problem and not just some "well, that's life" type attitude that so many seem to have. It is totally not acceptable. There should be some kind of consequence for those who abuse the sites or don't follow the rules. Better yet, just don't sign up if you are going to be a jerk.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 11:47am

Personally, I would MUCH rather have someone ghost on me than send me a "thanks but no thanks" email.

I would HATE to have such an article posted if it were to lead to more of those nasty emails!!!

I can infer that someone's not interested from their silence, I don't need to be TOLD that they aren't, thank you very much!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 11:48am

How would we assign a consequence?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 12:24pm

There is, of course, no perfect answer to the problem, but it is very sad that there seems to be more players than actual real mean seeking long-term relationships on these dating sites. There is no guarantee, that goes without saying, but I'm finding the whole concept of OLD quite troublesome as I continue to read story after story about men who don't follow through with anything.

And, from what I've seen, the "no thanks response" is what is sent the FIRST time you have a correspondence with someone or an "ice breaker". I wouldn't take that as personally as someone who simply ghosts on you after a good number of chats/conversations either online or on the phone. Even if they lie and say they're too busy to correspond (regardless of the reason), that is better than leaving someone hanging. I'd also think that it wouldn't be too terribly hard to write someone and tell them they're seeing an ex-gf, someone close to where they live, etc. I would take that anyday over "ghosting".

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 12:33pm

And I would MUCH prefer ghosting in that situation...again, I can infer that he's lost interest, I don't need to have it shoved in my face. It just goes to show, there's no one way of behaving that will satisfy everyone.

I don't think either person has any obligation to tell the other person they are no longer interested until they've gone out on at least 3 dates.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 12:34pm

Even if they lie and say they're too busy to correspond (regardless of the reason), that is better than leaving someone hanging.


Some people prefer to be left hanging.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 12:40pm

When I first started OLD I WAS a subscribing member to three different sites, but after two months with each, I no longer wanted to pay every month for ghosts. It's really weird and it could be just my area, (Missouri bootheel) and honestly, I think it is, but I think a lot of people in my area are online for kicks. I don't think I want to pay to be some one else's kick any longer, so yeah, I think I'm going to take my chances, tweak my profile every so often (which is how I got these last responses)and see how it goes.

And haven't you every wondered what people at Yahoo or other sites can do? They can scan your profile and strip out email addresses. It just makes me wonder what else can they do to help their profits. Yeah, I sound tremendously paranoid, but it is possible. And being the paranoid person that I am, when someone does contact me I do very much try to keep my expectations low, but at the same time try not to judge that person to be rude right off the bat, especially when he contacted me first.

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