Update on last week

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Update on last week
34
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 10:12am

Last week, I had posted about someone contacting me through Yahoo. Like the big stooge I am, I signed up on the 7-day free thing Yahoo was offering and responded to this person. To date, he has not contacted me again.

To say the least, I today cancelled my subscription and there was a section where you could tell Yahoo why you were cancelling. That's all I needed. LOL

I wrote Yahoo and suggested that someone in their personals section should write an article on "ghosting" and how rude it is. Just because your behind a computer screen gives a person no reason to be rude. I also told them (as was suggested by someone who responded to my post of last week) that sometimes I wonder if they don't have an employee that sends messages to people just to get people to pay the $20.

Anyway, I let Yahoo have it and I feel better now. I still have my profile up, but no way am I paying any service again. Future contacts will just have to figure out that I'm not a member.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2003
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 3:42pm

On bikerkiss.com there's a link in each person's profile where you can post comments about them if you've corresponded with them, met them etc. So, if you're browsing you can read comments from other members about what they like or dislike about that person. There is also the same feature on one of their affiliates dating sites for millionaires. Personally, I think that more sites should offer that.

Libra

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 3:43pm

Well, it may not have happened to her, it doesn't mean it didn't happen to others on that site.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 3:44pm
I'm not trying to impose my preferences on YOU. Just for the record, not every post is directed to YOU or is about YOU. Other people DO have opinions different from yours once in a while.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 3:53pm

I realize that, Mitsy, but I wasn't sure if YOU did ;-). I'm just saying, when you speak in absolutes like you did, that not everyone agrees with you. You need to make allowances for different people having different preferences, not try to set rules that are based solely on YOUR preferences.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 3:59pm

But you want the dating sites to disallow ghosting, or penalize people for ghosting.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 3:59pm
It was a discussion and I was offering some possible solutions. There were no absolutes, but ways to possibly eliminate some disappointments in the process. I do not have all the answers to what might help fix this problem, but just saying..."that's life" offers little to remedy the problem with OLD.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 4:27pm

I understand that you're frustrated and offering possible solutions. I'm just pointing out that the solution you suggested would work for you, but it would create frustration for others.

I do think a "that's life on OLD" attitude is the *only* solution that's realistic, however...you can only control yourself and your response to the frustrations of OLD, you can't force people to behave as you would like them to. Try as I might, for example, I can't stop people from lying in their profiles; all I can do is stop dating them once I find out they have lied.

I also can't stop people from sending me those awful thanks but no thanks emails that you want them to send...I'm working on not being frustrated and annoyed when they do ;-), because me being frustrated and annoyed isn't going to stop them from doing it!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 12:15am

I hope I'm not butting in, but I can't help wondering if the issue is really about ghosting or not. I've been on both sides of the situation. I've been ghosted on and I've wanted to ghost myself. Actually did when I took my profile down. I didn't offer anyone any explanations. They weren't real close contacts, though I think one guy was very hopeful but seemed kind of pushy, i.e., he only believed in dating one person at a time. Which translated means, probably, I should only date him if I was interested. Nope. Uh uh, I'm not going there anymore.

At any rate, I've been reading a book titled "The Seven Dumbest Relationship Mistakes Smart People Make" by Carolyn N. Bushong. It's good, I'd recommend it to anyone. I'm planning to photocopy the tables in there. At any rate, she says we can force intimacy. I haven't done that so much myself but it's been done to me a lot and I tend to expect it. Which I now know is WRONG! She says we get caught-up in seeking someone else's approval and giving them all the control. It just makes it all the more easier for the guy to reject. She says to reclaim your power, you need the reverse the rejection. Do the opposite of what you would normally do. For example, someone's who inclined to phone repeatedly should not call again 'til he does, don't send a bunch of gifts, don't share more personal information than they do, etc. Some people may think of it as playing games but the bottom line is, men say in general, "The more available you are to me, the less I want you." I know it kind of stinks from my perspective but accepting and moving forward could be very rewarding.

Good relationships take awhile to develop. Feelings take time to grow. The thing that worries me is that people seem to think they have to have so much contact if anything is going to come of a relationship. Indeed, that seems to be how a lot of people are. However, that is not the basis for long, healthy, satisfying relationships, usually.

I guess where I'm going with this is, we need to not give our power away too soon, or even ever. If it bothers me too much when someone loses interest, especially when I didn't feel a particular connection anyway, I know it's because I wanted his approval. Being ghosted on or sent a "polite" email are really not a reflection of my desirability, or lack thereof. That person may have an "agenda" that I wouldn't want any part of anyway. Stick to your guns. Decide what you want in a person and stick to it. Weigh both his good points and bad points in your mind. One point she made in the book that I'd never thought of before was that everyone is on their best behavior at first, I knew that, but if we accept that at face value we're going to feel that they're perfect, better than us. That's going to make us feel inferior a lot of times and like we should seek their approval. We shouldn't accept that image as real. Everyone has good point and bad and no one is perfect. It's not that they're trying to trick us necessarily. We all tend to present our best initially.

Anyway, this is kind of long but I hate to feel people feeling bad, like I always did, when it's so unnecessary. Good luck with OLD everyone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 4:46am

I agree with a lot of what you said.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2005
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 4:51am
I don't think I'd like a rating system either. I've ghosted and been ghosted. It's very subjective as to how people handle others. Just because he ghosted on you doesn't mean he will on the next, ya know? Or vice versa.