Update on my experiences

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whoshouldibe
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2003
Update on my experiences
7
 Tue, 08-12-2003 - 6:42pm
I just wanted to update you all on my dating situation. Met a wonderful guy online-he called, we met for drinks. Major chemistry. Lots of talking, laughing, things in common. I was pleasantly surprised, because I have been in a dating funk for a while. He asked if he could kiss me, to which I replied yes!

I know that he is divorced from his online profile, no kids. I didn't bring it up, and he didn't mention it while we were out. How is a good way to approach this topic (when, where is she now, etc) without seeming like prying? Also, he went on vacation the next day for two weeks. He sent me an email the next day before he left telling me how much fun he had and told me that he wanted to cook dinner for me (he loves to cook). I don't know how I feel about going to his home yet. What do you all think?

I have felt luke warm about most of the people I have been dating lately, and my last several blind dates were not very enjoyable, but this one shows a lot of potential. Any insight or opinions are welcome! Thanks!

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jhoover21
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
In reply to: whoshouldibe
Update on my experiences
 Tue, 08-12-2003 - 9:29pm
Hi.

I'm glad that your date went well. Definitely accept an invitation to go out with him again. But if you don't feel comfortable going to his house then don't go to his house. He can cook you dinner another time. If does suggest cooking for you on your next date then offer an alternative plan such as going to a restaurant. I don't see any harm in telling him that you're not comfortable going to the home of someone you've just met. A decent man will understand.

jhoover21.

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deena33
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: whoshouldibe
Update on my experiences
 Tue, 08-12-2003 - 9:59pm
i would simply check to make sure the divorce has been final for at least a year and I wouldn't go to his home until the third or fourth date - just say thanks so much and you woul love to do that some time in the future. I don't think it's your business about the whereabouts of his ex wife, or the reason for the divorce, at this early point.
cl_survivingdivorce
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
In reply to: whoshouldibe
Update on my experiences
 Wed, 08-13-2003 - 9:00am
Ok, well I am a divorced woman myself and if someone asks me, I tell. If you do not ask, the person will not tell. SO, simply ask how long has been since your divorce? Then, it should spark the conversation. Ask questions like, was it a mutal divorce, or was there some problems in the relationship? You are not prying. You are asking an honest question concerning your decision to continue to date this man. IT is very important you know how he sees relationships now and if his divorce has any bearings at all on how he views them now. You need to make sure he is not harboring any pain from it, and if he is at least you can know and deal with it. Just my opinion. Deal with it head on, and make sure it is out in the open. If he does not want to talk about it, well he will say so. You are just asking, not prying. Goodluck and let us know.

Gail:)

invinoveritas
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2003
In reply to: whoshouldibe
Update on my experiences
 Thu, 08-14-2003 - 3:52pm
I just thought I would add my comments since I am separated. I have NO problem with men asking me what the deal is with that. I always answer honestly. If I feel that it is very early in the process (2nd or 3rd email) I may reply along the lines of "I am happy to talk about it-- what do you want to know?" Otherwise, I volunteer the "saga". Some have specifically asked where ex is now, when the divorce will be final, any chances of reconciliation etc. etc. and I completely understand their questions (and the likely motives behind such questions) and have no problems answering. To a perspective date/mate, it is a very important part of my "experience".

Personally, I wouldn't be at all concerned with how long he has been divorced, but more about how he is with being divorced. So, I'd ask the question, but more with the intention to see how he answered it then from the perspective that there is some magic amount of time that must be in the answer.

charmed318
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
In reply to: whoshouldibe
Update on my experiences
 Fri, 08-15-2003 - 9:34am
I agree with everyone about not going to his house for dinner in this early stage. Save it for later. You really do not know him, and should be concerned about your safety.

As for the divorce issue, I would ask him straight out. Like someonsated if he does not want to talk about it, he will not. I have had men ask me why was I never married. It is the same thing. I just simply explain it. Also, you may be able to determine things about his feelings towrds mariage, women, his ex, if he does talk. But I would not be intrusive.

Good luck. I hope it goes well.

A question for Invinoveritas-DO you date even though you are separated? I met someone on line, who is separated, even thought his profile states he is divorced. He states the divoce will be soon and no one is contesting it. They were married for 3 years. What is your expert opiniion? Thanks!

whoshouldibe
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2003
In reply to: whoshouldibe
Update on my experiences
 Fri, 08-15-2003 - 9:44am
Thanks to everyone for your great input thus far. He is out of town this week, should be returning in a few days...I think that if the dinner thing comes up, I'll just play it like there is a great new movie that I would really like to see, perhaps we could do that? I think that if he is in to me he will just want to see me, and it won't matter as far as the venue goes.

I am anxious about the call back-during my last online dating experience, I went on several great dates (in my opinion) only to have never been called back! I am sure I am not the only one to have experienced this! I just hope it doesn't happen w/ this guy!

invinoveritas
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2003
In reply to: whoshouldibe
Update on my experiences
 Fri, 08-15-2003 - 11:29am
Charmed:

Yes, I DO date-- even though I am "only" separated. I know for sure that I will not get back together with my soon-to-be-ex husband. I feel that I am in a place emotionally etc. where I can be dating. (My friends and family agree.)

I am ALWAYS very upfront about it. I mean, just like I expect honesty so that I can make decisions that I think are best for me, I also give any potential dates the same courtesy.

In my state there is a one year wait from separation before you can file for a divorce, some states are longer and I know at least one is longer....

Naturally, this whole separation thing has been an issue for several guys (especially never-marrieds) and I can really understand that. In one way, it's sort of nice though, because dates don't think you are looking to get married tomorrow since bigamy is illegal in every state!

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