Update re. Seeking advice re. current ..

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
Update re. Seeking advice re. current ..
2
Sat, 08-23-2003 - 10:59am
Thank you to those who replied. Here is an update.

We got together one evening last week. I suggested that we go out to eat but he said he already had dinner plans with his family. I then suggested that perhaps later we could go for a walk rather than rent a movie and he agreed. I didn't discuss our relationship (mostly because I chickened out) but we did talk and what he said was quite revealing.

He is at risk of losing his job due to a takeover at his company. I knew this since our first date but up until now he made light of it. This time he finally revealed that he has been very anxious and worried. He has been looking for a new job but no luck as yet. He is very worried about how he's going to cover his expenses (rent, tuition, car payments etc.) It became obvious that he really can't afford to go out to too many places. My treating is out of the question - believe me I've tried. (Earlier I posted a question re. the fact that he always insists on paying). He won't even accept a dollar from me. (But I did buy him a gift once, which he accepted and appreciated).

He also said that as much as he doesn't want to, he might consider moving several miles away if a job becomes available at his company's new head office. When he said this I decided that talking about exclusivity and our future might be too much to deal with at this point.

The last poster commented that I need to see his behaviour in public. We have actually been out in public and have twice eaten in a restaurant (the first week we dated). I did make note that he is very curteous to waiters. Truth is, he does have a strong character. He has many admirable qualities. Conversing with him is not boring and he is not a boring person. But what we do together has become boring.

Regarding meeting the family and friends. I wasn't sure if this was concerning so I wanted to hear what others thought. Certainly if our future is unknown there's no rush to involve the other significant people in our lives.

Now, the online ads. I really don't think that he goes online to actively seek out dates. I think he probably does it for the same reasons I do (curiousity, habit, to check if he's been online). I did get an email recently from someone who might be interesting to know but I haven't responded to him yet. I'm now thinking that maybe I shouldn't have put all my eggs in one basket so early. The problem is that while dating more that one guy is something I normally would do (assuming more than one guy interests me, which is hardly ever) - I can't do it if I've already become physically intimate with someone - which I have in this case.

I'm still trying to sort out how I feel about this relationship. Thank you for listening and any other thoughts or comments are welcome. I'll keep you posted.

jhoover21.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Sun, 08-24-2003 - 9:58pm
Well, the real question here is how do you feel about him? Like, deep in your heart? Do you feel any loving feelings toward this man? I mean it seems to me you are too busy trying to find the wrong in him and not looking to see all the good things. He is man, and he is by no means perfect. You need to take a step back and really think about how you feel about him as a man. How do you see this person in your life? His job, meeting his family, the on line ad, all these things are there yes, but how do you feel about him. As a whole person? Maybe you need to take some time to yourself for a few weekends and evaluate how you feel and come back to see the man he is. Is there no chemistry? Do you feel anything for him? I mean, you sound as if you like him, but are looking to find the bad so you can end it. Am I wrong? This is just the vibe I get from your posts about him. Let me know.

gail:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
Sun, 08-24-2003 - 11:39pm
Hi Gail.

For the last few days (or maybe even weeks) I've been evaluating how I feel about him - or more accurately - how I feel about the relationship we have. I do like him as a person. As I've mentioned, he has many good qualities. And yes, I do feel chemistry with him. Do I have loving feelings towards this man? I'm not in love with him. But I am fond of him and I care about him. I do think about him when I don't see him but I don't feel the need to talk to him or be with him constantly. We see each other once (sometimes twice) weekly and that's fine for now.

I want this relationship to work but I think I have a tendency to expect the worst when it comes to dating. My dating history includes many examples of bad decisions when it comes to my choice of men (e.g. going after men who aren't really interested in me or men who are trouble). I've only had one serious relationship (that moved WAY too quickly) and even he was all wrong for me (verbally abusive). Truth is, I don't know what to realistically expect from a relationship after two months - assuming that it's a healthy relationship. (I once went on a dating sabbatical for 3 yrs and promised myself that once I start dating again I would be more selective. So far, that has meant not going on a second date with anyone I've met in the last year - until now).

Am I looking for the bad so I can end it? I don't think so. I do think that on a semi-subconscious level I'm holding back emotionally - a defense mechanism - in case he breaks up with me (so I won't feel as hurt). And I am trying to weigh what I like about him against what I don't like and trying to figure out what's more important to me in the long term.

I do think that I might have assumed too early on that he was "the one." Now I realize that there may not have been any harm in dating others until I felt more certain. At the same time, it seems that there's no going back now. Because we have been physically intimate, despite not formally discussing exclusivity, dating others would (to me) feel like cheating.

Thank you for listening.

jhoover21.

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