update - what's he thinking?
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| Sun, 01-15-2006 - 10:10pm |
I've been dating M for about 7 weeks. It has been great. I can definately tell that he's been taking careful steps. Ever since he brought up the issue of "resigning" from OLD site, I haven't given him any clear answers till last night. He confessed that he emailed a woman for friendship. I raised a few questions about what he said. Last night when we were in bed, he told me he felt I was holding back and didn't know why I was holding back. I thought it was an opportunity to bring up the "resigning" issue and which was exactly why I was holding back. I asked him why he still kept his profile up regardless of he's not sending emails and he said he's not dating anybody. Yet he didn't give me a direct answer for my question. And he asked me why I still had my profile up. Then I said, because he didn't take down his profile. And added that I wasn't doing anything on OLD site since I lost interested in looking for anybody. ( I told him I've been focused on dating him only)
He wants to settle down. That he made it clear that night. But since that OLD site has a function of turning down on people by selecting pre-written comments, I wonder why he had to email that woman. I told him I was waiting on him to take his profile down. (meaning exclusive relationship) Then he got up and went to computer and logged on his OLD site and showed me what he wrote to that woman. I guess being open is a good thing.
The problem I had is, I have hard time reading him. Also, I was very upfront with him stating that my timeline might run out shortly. (meaning that I could only wait so long for him to be in a committed relationship with me) I think I do want him to be my bf but I am really scared of all the things I need to deal with in a relationship.
Help me to be grounded.

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Here is another thing I don't understand - "I told him I was waiting on him to take his profile down. (meaning exclusive relationship)" So what does "waiting" mean? You said you were in bed.. that doesn't sound like "waiting"...
"I was very upfront with him stating that my timeline might run out shortly. (meaning that I could only wait so long for him to be in a committed relationship with me) I think I do want him to be my bf but I am really scared of all the things I need to deal with in a relationship."
You sound very confused. Forget what HE's thinking, first be clear about what are YOU thinking? What are you scared of? Also understand, "exclusive" and "committed" are NOT the same thing. Exclusive means for now, you are only dating each other to find out IF you are compatible for commitment. Commitment is a promise to STAY together, that comes later. Just make sure when you are talking to each other, you are clear about exactly what you mean, because you might say something and he thinks you mean something totally different. Or he says something that you think you understand but he means something else.
thanks for your reply. I think I am holding back not to fall for him too much. I guess this norm would apply to any relationship. I think I like him a lot and I can see us together in the future. But he mentioned "resigning" and which meant just "not communicating with anybody". I am not sure how that works though. Once OLD site charge you for membership then you automatically can send/receive emails and the others. Since his profile's still up there I wonder how could he not being able to chop off the previlege of the membership service. So it was a big red flag to me.
I had my previous relationship from OLD and it didn't go too well. I learned it's hard to get to know someone especially someone who you meet OLD.
Should I sit tight and wait for him to be more opened up? It seemed he's showing me part of himself and indecisive of us being exclusive.
I am not going to initiate "exclusive" talk with him since I've already gave him a headsup once the other night.
what do you think?
Don't take this the wrong way, but I think it may be a two-way street. You too are indecisive. Your vibes are telling him to tread easily. So he is. It's almost like a catch-22. You keep treading easily, so does he. Someone has to make the first move.
What I would do is if you're really feeling him, talk to him. Just let him know you like him and want to be in a comitted relationship. Find out if he wants the same. An honest talk will let you know where it's all at.
After that, let it go. If he's not into it, then you have your answer. Just be careful to not force it, you know?
I hope this helps.
Kerry
thank you for the input.
Now I know the difference between being exclusive and being committed.
We have become physically intimate for the last a few weeks. I told him that I was waiting for him to take down his profile when he asked me what I was doing on OLD site still when we were in bed together. That's what I meant.
I agree with you that him saying "resigning" while still having his profile up, logging on everyday and emailing (only one time as he argues), all that sounds BS to me too. Maybe he and I are speaking different languages. I didn't want to nail things down when we talked about it because I didn't want to make it sound like nagging or give him an impression of trying to hunt him down or something.
So...did he take his profile down the other night or not? If not, WHY not?
I agree, it's all pretty much BS unless he takes it down and the two of you agree to exclusivity (including what it means to each of you).
Sheri
Kerry, thank you for your time and thoughts.
I think it's a really good idea to talk to him. I think I am waiting for the right time to bring it up. Like you said, it's 50/50 chance. Also, dating should be a win-win situation. The worst case, I might not get his heart but I might find it from someone else later on.
My situation hasn't been much of a help. A serious car accident, job changing, flu etc put me away from all the things I need to deal with. Also, his businesses are finally taking off. He told me he'd be extremely busy next a few weeks. I can't be insecured during that time and go nuts over this matter. I will sit tight and think it through and try to bring up upfront but not pushy way, like you said.
Thank you for the encouragement. I appreciate it.
no he didn't take his profile down. He showed me what he wrote to other woman and let me read it. He confessed before that he emailed someone for friendship and those words were matching with what he told me. But I found his email unecesserilly long and too friendly. If I could be critical about the email and being sensitive about it, then the email could be a bit misleading. He said he's exploring a new relationship which he wanted to be upfront with her however it sounds like he has a door for a spare(whichever you call it, a prospect, maybe) in case the new relationship wouldn't go well.
I am trying to kill myself over a minor matter if this is what it is. So I let it go. I will try to talk to him honestly what I think of him soon like Kerry recommended.
"I'm currently exploring a new relationship so not available for dating. I am however interested in networking and continuing to meet good people."
I just checked on his profile. And he added the comment above, which starts with his profile.
I have some mixed feeling right now. What do you think?
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