update - what's he thinking?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2005
update - what's he thinking?
18
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 10:10pm

I've been dating M for about 7 weeks. It has been great. I can definately tell that he's been taking careful steps. Ever since he brought up the issue of "resigning" from OLD site, I haven't given him any clear answers till last night. He confessed that he emailed a woman for friendship. I raised a few questions about what he said. Last night when we were in bed, he told me he felt I was holding back and didn't know why I was holding back. I thought it was an opportunity to bring up the "resigning" issue and which was exactly why I was holding back. I asked him why he still kept his profile up regardless of he's not sending emails and he said he's not dating anybody. Yet he didn't give me a direct answer for my question. And he asked me why I still had my profile up. Then I said, because he didn't take down his profile. And added that I wasn't doing anything on OLD site since I lost interested in looking for anybody. ( I told him I've been focused on dating him only)
He wants to settle down. That he made it clear that night. But since that OLD site has a function of turning down on people by selecting pre-written comments, I wonder why he had to email that woman. I told him I was waiting on him to take his profile down. (meaning exclusive relationship) Then he got up and went to computer and logged on his OLD site and showed me what he wrote to that woman. I guess being open is a good thing.

The problem I had is, I have hard time reading him. Also, I was very upfront with him stating that my timeline might run out shortly. (meaning that I could only wait so long for him to be in a committed relationship with me) I think I do want him to be my bf but I am really scared of all the things I need to deal with in a relationship.

Help me to be grounded.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2005
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 2:53am

I do agree with other posters that you are giving off a lot of ambivalent vibes and he is as well, to some extent. It does sound like he's moving in the right direction so I wouldn't freak out too much. Unfortunately, this is why I don't like online dating. Flirtations are right there in your face. It's way too much information at a stage where both parties should be free to meet as many people as they like. And I think that guys tend to do more of the "keeping their options open" online than women.

So, given that it bothers you (and honestly, it would bother me), I think it's a good idea to have a conversation about where you're headed. Just be honest about what you want. You can always say that you would really like to see what the two of you could make of a relationship but recognize that you can't really focus on each other if either of you are entertaining other offers. That is pretty much what I said to my boyfriend. I didn't want to be the one who brought up the conversation either, but sometimes the guy is feeling just as insecure as you are. It's about being honest with what you want without putting pressure on him. Like another poster said, exclusivity just gives the two of you the chance to focus on each other to see if you want to make a bigger commitment. It's not an obligation to be with this person forever and if you present it this way, I cannot imagine he wouldn't respond well.

Have enough faith in yourself to know that if he really is keeping his options open, you will feel it and move on to someone who wants to make you a priority.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 9:22am
Reading through your message and the replies I was struck by one thing -- it seemed like you were dancing around the point a little bit. You talk about "taking profiles down," but that is kind of a euphemism for being in an exclusive relationship and you need not to be afraid to say that's what you want. It doesn't sound like you have said to him, "I want to be in a relationship where neither of us date other people and yes, I am 'holding back' because the fact you still have a profile up means to me that you are not ready for that yet." I think you have to use those specific and unambiguous words to get across your meaning. Don't take this the wrong way, but it sounds like you're playing a game with the "yours is still up so mine is, too" approach. Be direct and clear, and you will get the information you want. And don't talk about this kind of thing in bed!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 12:09pm
I would guess that if you are sleeping with the guy that it was an understood "exclusive" relationship. If it is not, then I would certainly not be having sex with a guy I had reservations about. Sounds like you don't really know him all that well nor does he know you that well. Perhaps a case of jumping the gun too quickly.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 12:21pm

People don't go to dating sites to innocently "meet new people and network". People go to dating sites to meet new people. This man added a few words to his profile so that he can keep his profile up and available.

If you want to be in an exclusive committed relationship with this man, your profile needs to come down and so does his.

I'd trust this guy as far as I could throw him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2005
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 12:40pm

You need to have the exclusive talk with him.

CL-Truewild1969

For further information regarding OLD including FAQ please visit our OLD Website at;

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 2:25pm

You've coped and dealt with a serious car accident, job changes, flu, and even having sex with this man but you don't feel comfortable telling him that removal of his profile and/or seeking a committed relationship is what you are seeking for fear of being upfront and/or pushy!! I don't understand!!

The signs are there and the writings are on the wall! I'm beginning to think that sometimes we don't confront a situation because that means a solution has to take place. IMO, it's obvious that this man is NOT seeking a committed relationship and your so-called fear for not bringing up this topic, is because the reality will be for you to make a decision based upon his actions! Apparently you are not ready to walk away -- stil hoping for things to magically turn around! Just the fact that he brought you over to the computer to show you what he wrote and got back into the bed you gave him the impression that "I'M OKAY WITH HOW YOU TREAT ME AND IT'S OKAY TO REMAIN ONLINE!" This is what happens when you are not clear about WHO YOU ARE and WHAT YOU ARE SEEKING!

Get clear about what it is you are seeking and act accordingly!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2005
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 7:53pm

I appreciate all the different perspectives you all got me here. I was smiling reading all the replies. thank you very much.

I think he and I are in an exclusive relationship without being discussed, at least I am dating him exclusively but as you know all, not a committed relationship yet. He and I share this idea of having a true self-confidence that no matter what we do, (in this case, having the profile up) we have trust in ourselves and each other. which hasn't clearly spitted out but that's what the common ground we are coming from.

There are some gray areas I am working on. I really didn't bother what he's been thinking even if he raised issues of helping him understand me better. I am from other country originally and obviously having different sets of moral, values and view points. He expressed his struggle of understanding me better early on but he said he got me pretty much by now ( he also has an interesting-international background). And I think I did help him to understand me better. We do communicate well as we both agreed.

This one issue of being exclusive and/or committed relationship, I don't know how to do it. Maybe I am just too chicken? It almost sounds like I am self conflicting however, regardless of how much self confidence I have, I do not want to miss out my chance of doing it better way at right time. That's why it has been taking too much of time also because of all those hardships I've been through this past month.

Sposabella - I think I might have wrote something to make you think that I was playing game with me. Which made me think that he might think the same way. Well I will work on being more clear of what I want to stand with him soon. And I won't be talking to him in bed about it ! Thank you

Misty2 - I agree with you. I really feel that he and I are in an exclusive relationship. Again at least I am. Thank you for the thoughts.

Chamey101 - I actually told him that people on OLD won't be just there to "network" but he disagreed with me. He said there were a lot of people to make friends and build other type of relationship other than romantic relationship. I didn't want to go on a deeper discussion on that matter because as far as I know and also it's my personality that once something's spelled out then that's it. So I know that's the way he thinks about OLD. But which I have some trouble with the way he deals with OLD. I don't know, maybe he met many friends on OLD site. And oh yes, once we agreed to take down our profiles, I've been ready long time ago. Thank you.

cl-truwild1969 / Jodie - yes, like other people advised me, I think I really need to talk to him about where we are standing and 'taking down profile' issue. And like you said, if we don't want the same thing, sleeping with him won't be happening again. And yes, I do want to be persued and wanted. Thank you for your thoughts.

tstephnic - Well, all the things happened to me and yet I did go on with my life, work and everything else. Luckily, I survived from really horrible car accident without a broken bone. And spending nights with him happened without plan also, he spent some nights with me to take care of me. Well I got flu one night sleeping in his place because it was way too cold. So far, he made clear moves, so I tend to think he has reasons for doing things. I am confused and scared but I wanted to give him time to think it through. After all these years of dating, I did gain some insights. However, I won't tolerate things I don't deserve. Thank you for giving me a wake up call. He might think it was me taking all the crap from him. I am being careful and trying to give him repect/space he deserve.

Again, I will keep you posted. It seems like I would see him tomorrow night doing dinner and movie. I will wait for a good moment to bring up this issue.

Peace,

Jamie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2005
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 3:01pm

Wow-That was a wonderful way to take our advice!

CL-Truewild1969

For further information regarding OLD including FAQ please visit our OLD Website at;

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