Update~Told DBF I was ready to have sex
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| Fri, 04-22-2005 - 12:11am |
As per Sponsbella(I think that's the id...!) request, here is teh update to my issues from the weekend. ( I posted the update on another board, so I am just going to paste that in.----------------------------------------------------------------------------
So David and I had the full out discussion about everyting tonight,a dn I think i am just confused.
He said he didn't see why it was all such a big deal, because he says he doens't see a whole lot of differnce between what we do now (oral/bj's, mutual masturbation... everything but penetration...) and actual penetrative sex.
He told me he thought it was a bit f-e dup that I needed it to be planned out and that despite everything we had talked about up until this point saying that it WOULD Be planned out he said he just assumed I would deicde I was ready and we would just do it.
So I told him why I needed to know when it would happen and that it was imperative that the choice to have penetrative sex be a concious CHOICE. He knows about me being molested abd tho we havent talked about it a ton because those were all issues I worked thru with matt ( because they were daily issues, seeing people that looked like my attacker would send me into a panic... thos ethings dont happen anymore. The extent the molest affects my DAILY life at this point is that I am careful about the choices i make. and debate ALOT.)
Anyway, he acted like it was new to him or something, he didnt say much and there were these long silences ( I am sorry i know you are all dissappointed in me... but I did have this conversation over IM.. I couldnt get ahold of him until 1030 and ...I dont know it just happened on iM) he said he was thinking. I asked him if he couldnt deal with my past he said no he oculd deal with it. It was just ALOt ad a bigger deal than he thought or realized.
I said why are we even talking about this? this is being blown totally out of proportion. He agreeed. I told him, that my past is not something that is a HUGE factor today, but that it DOES affect my choices and when it comes to sex and intimacy I have a reason for everything I do and the choices I make. That I am careful about what I choose to do. I asked if he could understand that? Can he deal with that? He said sure. I asked if my being molested freaked him out or something ( he knew this SEVEN months ago, he should have voiced concerns THEN) and he said no.
So i asked him, switching back to a playful mood whether he wanted ot give it the old college try and he said sure why not and we chatted a bit more and then it was bedtime.
HONESTLY, I don't knwo where to go form here. His response concerns me. HI sattitude in general concerns me. How we closed it playfyl, is fine and his responses were fine, but I would feel alot more confidant about this if he was more reassuring that he is really ok and *gets* this.
I cannot shake the feeling that SOMETHING ELSE is going on. I wonder how he REALLY feels about me. Perhaps he feels more casual towards me then he did. That is my fear, but it could be just as likely he feels closer ( as we have been alot closer teh last few weeks) and that it is making him distance himself because he doesnt know where this is going.
I dont know if we'll have sex or not or when that would be.
This issue is at least temporarily closed.
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I found out what (probably) part of teh SOMETHING ELSE is. David didn't go to his tuesday class ( he did let me know (as always), so I didn't get stood up) so I didn't see him until tonight(Thursday) . He was quiet and rushed as we walked to the parking lot. He told that they his office is wokring to get a Bill thru for monday and it's hectic. He was going back to teh office. He is probably still there ( its 9:05pm now). So being detached stressed and trying ot crack jokes would all be in tune with him flipping out at work and his current work load. OK, that explains a few.
We held hands as I walked him to him car, he gave me a hug and a kiss and kissed my check before he hopped in... (BUT he wouldnt take the cookie I bought for him!!!! He should have eaten it, butthead. I haven't seen him in a week and a half, it felt like a rejection. [honestly he probably just didnt want greasy fingers- he wears suits to work and cant afford drycleaning for every wear...lol)
So I am going to assume I wont be seeing him this weekend if they are working on a bill. Now, in addition to thinking that I wont have sex with him-- I am also thining I am going to halt the intimate htings we DO do... If he doesnt see a difference between us having sex and what we do now, well then I can give him a contrast.---Dont think of this as me using sex as a weapong either, him withdrawing makes me feel less close to him and therefore less willing to foll around. He better do some sweet tlaking, darn it.
ugh.
emily

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Does it sound like he's pushing away? A bit. But I have to ask what is your part in it? The feeling I get from your post is that you're putting a lot of expectations on him. It sounds like you want him to act and respond in the way you see and when he doesn't, you start withdrawing yourself in different ways. The other thing I noticed is that when he does give you an answer, it sounds like you're not believing it.
Just my take. I don't know the history of you and him or what things you have overcome. I am sorry to hear about your past. That part I can totally relate on. *hugs*
Hope this helps.
Doesn't sound like you should start having sex now - sounds like he's just not that into you, or he'd be respecting your feelings and taking it as seriously as you do.
On the other hand, a certain part of me agrees with him - you've been having oral sex for months and you're not in high school anymore playing bases. But having sex is something that is deeply personal and you should remain true to yourself. If this guy has reacted to you in such a hurtful way over something that is a very big deal to you, perhaps it's a sign that you two are not compatible in the long-term?
Coolas
Edited 4/22/2005 8:55 am ET ET by coolas
"On the other hand, a certain part of me agrees with him - you've been having oral sex for months and you're not in high school anymore playing bases. But having sex is something that is deeply personal and you should remain true to yourself. If this guy has reacted to you in such a hurtful way over something that is a very big deal to you, perhaps it's a sign that you two are not compatible in the long-term?"
Very well said!
Jodie
http://tickers.ticke
>>I am also thining I am going to halt the intimate htings we DO do... If he doesnt see a difference between us having sex and what we do now, well then I can give him a contrast.---Dont think of this as me using sex as a weapong either, him withdrawing makes me feel less close to him and therefore less willing to foll around. He better do some sweet tlaking, darn it.<<
Don't you dare come in here and lie straight to us. You say he better do some sweet talking, you say you're not using sex as a weapon, but you're going to halt doing the things you're already doing?
Gimme a break. You're TOTALLY using this as a weapon. You're hurt that he didn't respond to your decision in the way that YOU wanted, and now you're trying to hurt him back. It's as obvious as the nose on my face, and if you don't see it then you're really hiding it from yourself.
And I think he has a big point. I think oral sex is MORE intimate, to me, than intercourse. It's just... I don't know, but I can totally understand him saying/thinking that you guys are basically "having sex" right now anyway.
Look at it this way- if he showed up for the next date and said that he'd had some mutual masturbation with a gal he works with, wouldn't you get angry? Wouldn't you be hurt? Of course you would. That's a type of sex.
I think you've got a lot of expectations and things in your head, and the reason you're disappointed is because he's letting you down. He can SAY that he knows of your past problems, and he can SAY that he understands, but let's face it- it's probably pretty hard for him to totally and truly understand.
You've known this guy for some time- up until now, you've thought he was a pretty good guy, right? Well, to let this very short-term disagreement torpedo the whole thing would be a bit short-sighted. My suggestion is that you ramp down your expectations a bit, that you find a time to have an honest talk with him, and explain to him that *to you*, this is a very big deal and that you want to make a bit of a production out of it.
And then I urge you to consider it from his point of view. To him, it might really not be a great big deal; to him, mutual oral sex or masturbation might well be almost the same as intercourse; and it sounds like he's pretty hard-driven at work, so right now might not be the best time to be hoping for a ton of attention to him.
You can get through this; but to do so, you're going to have to be able to let go of the natural impulse to "hit" him back for making you hurt and instead open up and learn about/from him, and hope that he is willing to do the same for you.
I absolutly do not agree with *PARTS* of what you said.
I told him when we first started flirting that I am one of those *people* who beileve oral sex to be just as intimate if not more intimate than penetrative sex and that I did not want to do it until I was ready to have penetrative sex with him... that is was possible that I may change my mind... but that at that moment and up to that point in my life I saw them as equally intimate.
He intially agreed. Then after we had been dating a few months, and had been steadily progressing in out make out sessions, he went down on me. I let him, in the heat of teh moment, but towards the end of it, I told him I shoudln't have let him do that, thta I wasn't ready for that and I was by no means even close to reciprocating it. That I didnt htink it was fai rthat he be doign that for me when I was not ready to do that for HIM. He kept saying it was ok and he didn't mind and he just really really wanted to. I didnt know how to respond... and HI its not like its the most miserable thing to expeience...lol
A few weeks later I let it happen again and after awhile it somehow became a regualr occurance. A couple months of that and I started to occasionally reciprocate. Now I do "something" for him, not necessarily always that, but if I get a turn he gets one too... (PROBABLY WAY TMI.. but he you brought it up...god I am embarrassed...)
No, I am NOT using sex as a weapon. I use humor to diffuse tension and upset. So i apologize fo rmisleading you by cracking a joke. This is how I really feel.. if he did not know/understand what a big deal penetraive sex is for ME, and that being SUCH a huge thing for me, somehting that I think about alot ( as I see men who look like my molestor walking down the street, or watch Law & order SVU...or romantic scenes in movie or tv shows,) I feel like he does not know me as well as I thought. I dont want to be intimate with somoene who doesnt know something THAT HUGE about me and what this tells me is thatI need to think about possibly is slowing down our phycial relationhsip so that we can spend more time getting to know each other. Perhaps that aspect moving too fast halted our growth as a couple.
Please do not accuse me of lying. You're welcome to accuse me of having a poor or sour sense of humor, but I dont lie.
EMily
I do apolgize if that was found to be offensive.
In a few ways, I do see that NGOL has a point. I guess I am still unclear as to what you were joking about. It is tough to tell that kind of stuff online here which is another reason I don't think you should have these important conversations with him on IM! OK, so it was 10:30, I think it is more important to let it wait another day and talk in person than to talk online, but that is a WHOLE other point so I won't go on there.
My question is more on what you were joking about in your original post. Were you joking that you were going to withhold sex from him? Were you joking that he needed to sweet talk you to get it back? Neither, both? If you were not joking about the withholding sex, then yes, you are USING sex as a way to punish him or get back at him. I agree that it makes you feel much closer to a person but if you are going to be intimate with him and then all of a sudden take it away because he behaved badly, then you are using it as a weapon if you plan to stay in the relationship while you are backing off from the physical part. If you tell him that you need a break completely from him and you back off, don't see each other for a while and then come back together, that is something completely different. But to stay in a relationship with someone and withhold sex when you originally were not is manipulative. So just be careful with that, OK?
If you were joking on both parts, ignore what I just said! :-) In any case tho, I think his lack of respect for your wishes and feelings is very telling. His saying that he thought it would "just happen like the rest of it" instead of honoring your wishes to make it something special are pretty cold. My suggestion WOULD be to take a complete break for a week or two and just figure out if you want to be with him at ALL much less sleep with him based on his reactions. Weigh the good and bad things of him and your relationship - think about if you could have a future with him. You know him better and we only have the perspective you give us out here. It is easy for us to say to dump him based on this one thing but you have to decide if you can accept this or not. Good luck!
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