Update~Told DBF I was ready to have sex
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| Fri, 04-22-2005 - 12:11am |
As per Sponsbella(I think that's the id...!) request, here is teh update to my issues from the weekend. ( I posted the update on another board, so I am just going to paste that in.----------------------------------------------------------------------------
So David and I had the full out discussion about everyting tonight,a dn I think i am just confused.
He said he didn't see why it was all such a big deal, because he says he doens't see a whole lot of differnce between what we do now (oral/bj's, mutual masturbation... everything but penetration...) and actual penetrative sex.
He told me he thought it was a bit f-e dup that I needed it to be planned out and that despite everything we had talked about up until this point saying that it WOULD Be planned out he said he just assumed I would deicde I was ready and we would just do it.
So I told him why I needed to know when it would happen and that it was imperative that the choice to have penetrative sex be a concious CHOICE. He knows about me being molested abd tho we havent talked about it a ton because those were all issues I worked thru with matt ( because they were daily issues, seeing people that looked like my attacker would send me into a panic... thos ethings dont happen anymore. The extent the molest affects my DAILY life at this point is that I am careful about the choices i make. and debate ALOT.)
Anyway, he acted like it was new to him or something, he didnt say much and there were these long silences ( I am sorry i know you are all dissappointed in me... but I did have this conversation over IM.. I couldnt get ahold of him until 1030 and ...I dont know it just happened on iM) he said he was thinking. I asked him if he couldnt deal with my past he said no he oculd deal with it. It was just ALOt ad a bigger deal than he thought or realized.
I said why are we even talking about this? this is being blown totally out of proportion. He agreeed. I told him, that my past is not something that is a HUGE factor today, but that it DOES affect my choices and when it comes to sex and intimacy I have a reason for everything I do and the choices I make. That I am careful about what I choose to do. I asked if he could understand that? Can he deal with that? He said sure. I asked if my being molested freaked him out or something ( he knew this SEVEN months ago, he should have voiced concerns THEN) and he said no.
So i asked him, switching back to a playful mood whether he wanted ot give it the old college try and he said sure why not and we chatted a bit more and then it was bedtime.
HONESTLY, I don't knwo where to go form here. His response concerns me. HI sattitude in general concerns me. How we closed it playfyl, is fine and his responses were fine, but I would feel alot more confidant about this if he was more reassuring that he is really ok and *gets* this.
I cannot shake the feeling that SOMETHING ELSE is going on. I wonder how he REALLY feels about me. Perhaps he feels more casual towards me then he did. That is my fear, but it could be just as likely he feels closer ( as we have been alot closer teh last few weeks) and that it is making him distance himself because he doesnt know where this is going.
I dont know if we'll have sex or not or when that would be.
This issue is at least temporarily closed.
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I found out what (probably) part of teh SOMETHING ELSE is. David didn't go to his tuesday class ( he did let me know (as always), so I didn't get stood up) so I didn't see him until tonight(Thursday) . He was quiet and rushed as we walked to the parking lot. He told that they his office is wokring to get a Bill thru for monday and it's hectic. He was going back to teh office. He is probably still there ( its 9:05pm now). So being detached stressed and trying ot crack jokes would all be in tune with him flipping out at work and his current work load. OK, that explains a few.
We held hands as I walked him to him car, he gave me a hug and a kiss and kissed my check before he hopped in... (BUT he wouldnt take the cookie I bought for him!!!! He should have eaten it, butthead. I haven't seen him in a week and a half, it felt like a rejection. [honestly he probably just didnt want greasy fingers- he wears suits to work and cant afford drycleaning for every wear...lol)
So I am going to assume I wont be seeing him this weekend if they are working on a bill. Now, in addition to thinking that I wont have sex with him-- I am also thining I am going to halt the intimate htings we DO do... If he doesnt see a difference between us having sex and what we do now, well then I can give him a contrast.---Dont think of this as me using sex as a weapong either, him withdrawing makes me feel less close to him and therefore less willing to foll around. He better do some sweet tlaking, darn it.
ugh.
emily

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I was joking about the sweet talking- what i mean is we need to be together more mentally- ie be romantic, get to know each other, talk more, etc rather than focusing on sex, ie he needs to sweet talk, do you get it?
to say we moved too fast in terms of our physical relationship and say i want to slow down or back up/off for a while isnt using sex as a weapon. if i told him i am not going to make out or have sex of any kind with you until you do everything i say ( exaggertaion) would be using sex as a weapon. i take this incident to be a reality check into our relationship and that we need to slow down because maybe we werent ready for any of this. and it would be WRONG to continue a physical relationship with him if i am uncomfortable with being with him or dont want to.
My take.
You two don't communicate very well. You tell him something is a big deal (intercourse) and will require planning. His response is like 'yeah, but I didn't think it really WAS such a big deal and I didn't think we really WOULD have to plan it.'
I think you've built up this big fantasy about what the deed will finally be like. Soft music, flowers, lovely hotel room, lights of the city in the background, etc. That's OK -- we all do it, but you're having trouble readjusting to the reality that it's not going to be exactly like that.
I can see both sides of this situation. It does seem like he is backing away. However, as a person involved with a man who has major issues with depression and anxiety, I can kind of understand it. Sometimes his issues are just too much for me to deal with. It also seems to me that maybe you've put too much of this on him; he doesn't need to know or referee every internal struggle you endure. That's asking a lot of a guy who it sounds like you don't see all that often and who has some pretty big stresses in his own life. Up until now, it was mostly theoretical; now it's more concrete. But that doesn't mean he should be cavalier or abrupt about it. And the whole 'messing with your head' thing still disturbs me a lot.
Once again, the IM thing has hurt you because you can't see his face, touch his arm, ask him to hold you while you discuss these intensely intimate subjects. Have you ever heard the phrase “the medium is the message?” In this case you can apply it pretty well – it means the method of communication governs, and limits, what you can say. In this case, you want resolution and reassurance; he wants to get away from the computer and go to bed.
I have had relationships that moved too quickly to being sexual. More of them than I want to remember, in fact. It’s very, very difficult to go backwards. The r’ship ends up collapsing under its own weight because you have conversations that carry more intimacy than the relationship can support.
My advice would be to let it be for awhile and back off yourself, and stop focusing on sex, until you have time to spend together in person, then have a heartfelt conversation and see how he responds then. There has to be a way he can be sensitive to your situation without having to feel like he's your therapist.
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