Valentine's Day Disappointment
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| Fri, 02-17-2006 - 11:37am |
I've been dating Jeff for almost 3 weeks. The relationship seems to have moved faster than I anticipated, but I was happy with things up until the other night (V-Day). He originally said he'd take me out to eat which I thought might be a special thing. I ask him what I can get him for V-Day and he replies with not much hesitation.."you can get me some cologne..whatever you like." So, I go out and buy cologne (not real expensive but something nice) and also get a couple kitchen utencil items which he needed along with a candle. He later tells me that he is going to cook at home since his daughter will be there. I inquire if the daughter will be there all evening and he said no. So, I go back out and buy a small box of candy for the daughter. It's only the second time I've been around the daughter. Now, keep in mind that he was going to have to cook regardless of whether I showed up or not. When I asked if I could bring a pie or something for dessert, he said that would be fine, so I go back to the store after work that same day and get a pie. I get to his house a little before 6:00 to find that he has not bought me a flower, card or anything for V-Day. Apparently, the dinner was it. The dinner was OK but nothing seemed special about it. Maybe I'm not a big meatloaf fan. :0 Anyway, his daughter ends up staying until after 8:00 pm when I originally thought she'd go back to her Mom's right after dinner. Then another family friend stops by to see his house (of course I know he didn't have control over that) but this friend stays and stays. Maybe she didn't think about this being a "date" since his kid was there and she didn't see any balloons or anything indicating it was V-Day.
Finally, the unexpected visitor leaves, and around 8:30, he decides to take the kid back to her Mom's. I stay and wait for him (doesn't take him long to get back). By this time, I feel like the evening is a bust, but he wants to get romantic when he gets back. I finally tell him that he wants romance and he didn't even get me a flower? He made a remark about not having been to the store since he had his daughter for 2 days. That might be true, but he was at W-Mart shopping a few days before our dinner (without his daughter) and didn't even think to pick up a card or anything. He had to have seen all the tables of stuff they had out for the holiday. He told me he was sorry and would make it up to me, but I am still let down and disappointed by the evening. Maybe it is too soon to expect flowers or cards, but is it not also too soon to expect me to get him cologne? Maybe my expectations are too high, but I felt like I made more effort than he did, and it was almost like we'd been together for months and this was a "no big deal" kind of evening. When you're trying to impress someone, wouldn't you think that a guy would think of flowers or something for V-Day?
My friends all think Jeff dropped the ball here and maybe just was not thinking. I have one counselor friend who believes that "he" thought the dinner WAS my gift and that I'm overreacting. I had cooked dinner for him before and expected that we might have a lot of dinners at his place too. Am I really so bad for expecting a card or something????

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No, you're not wrong to have wanted at least a card in addition to his cooking dinner...but it didn't happen, so now you can either let it go (but keep it in the back of your mind as you continue to evaluate his character and your compatability), or you can be resentful over it.
Sheri
As I've said on other boards, this holiday doesn't mean much to most guys, especially early in a relationship even if he is calling you his g/f (which is premature IMO). They definitely don't put the importance on it that women do. Did you let him know that it was important to you and that you were expecting a gift beforehand? You asked him what you could get him which IMPLIES the exchange of gifts, but when he didn't ask you, that's kind of a clue.
What's most important to think about is that this is just ONE day and a silly holiday manufactured by greeting card and chocolate companies to make a lot of money and guilt people into buying crap for people they care about. If he treats you well otherwise and you like him and enjoy being with you and he seems to enjoy being with you, are you really going to hold one day against him? Maybe he doesn't believe in this holiday - a lot of people don't. Give it more time to see how he treats you the rest of the time before deciding he's a jerk.
Vex - great post.
The boards are full of post-Valentine's let downs. Frankly, I just don't get it. Why have women been so suckered into placing so much importance on this one day? It's just a black line day for Hallmark, candy makers and jewelers.
I feel for the guys who don't live up to the expectations.
And to paraphrase poster on another board, how many women are going to make a big deal out of Steak and BJ Day?
Not only did he drop the ball miserably (he knew you were going to get him a gift and he had promised to take you out and then backed out) but you let him off the hook when he admitted that he screwed up.
No, you don't, "Hey, it is okay that you did nothing special for Valentine's Day.", you say, "Yes, I want you to make it up to me. I'm available Friday night, please have something planned."
He said he wanted a chance to make it up to you, let him do it. It beats stewing about it and thinking about breaking up with the guy.
I think you are right about it being a great day for the retailers of the U.S. They are the only ones you can count on to be happy when the holiday is over.
When I asked Jeff what I could get him, I "blindly assumed" that he would at least get me a card or flower or something; I had no idea that this very ordinary dinner would be it. If he had said, "you don't have to buy me anything, let's just have dinner at my place", I would not have expected anything more than dinner. Not saying I might not have wished for a card or something, but at least I would not be expecting anything more.
My counselor friend indicated that she thought that maybe he wanted me to have some quality time with him and his daughter. I'm sorry, but when you have not gone together that long and it's V-Day, you don't want to spend the evening with a 13-yr. old around. I would think that there would be many other nights for me to spend with him and his child to get to know her better. But, I could overlook everything else if he had done a little more here. I guess I will wait and see if he does try to make up for it later. Otherwise, he's treated me really well.
Actually, a little bit of research revealed that St. Valentine's Day dates back to close to 500 AD and people have been exchanging some sort of Valentine's Day cards or tokens to show love and romance since the Middle Ages.
I agree that it's overly commercialized now (what holiday isn't???), but it wasn't "invented" by Hallmark.
Sheri
I think you expect too much for a relationship of 3 weeks. Valentines Day seems to have a way of making new relationships stressful. I think his priority is with his daughter and if he said he couldn't get out to get you something then that's the way it is. I agree with the previous post if you don't let it go you will become quite resentful over it and for what? Because YOU thought you deserved something else. Nobody twisted your arm to do the things you did for him. I think you were trying to jump threw too many hoops if you want my honest opinion. The dinner with him and his daughter should be fine knowing that hopefully there will be many more Valentines Day to come. Won't if you keep acting like this.
F
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