Valentine's Day Disappointment

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Valentine's Day Disappointment
41
Fri, 02-17-2006 - 11:37am

I've been dating Jeff for almost 3 weeks. The relationship seems to have moved faster than I anticipated, but I was happy with things up until the other night (V-Day). He originally said he'd take me out to eat which I thought might be a special thing. I ask him what I can get him for V-Day and he replies with not much hesitation.."you can get me some cologne..whatever you like." So, I go out and buy cologne (not real expensive but something nice) and also get a couple kitchen utencil items which he needed along with a candle. He later tells me that he is going to cook at home since his daughter will be there. I inquire if the daughter will be there all evening and he said no. So, I go back out and buy a small box of candy for the daughter. It's only the second time I've been around the daughter. Now, keep in mind that he was going to have to cook regardless of whether I showed up or not. When I asked if I could bring a pie or something for dessert, he said that would be fine, so I go back to the store after work that same day and get a pie. I get to his house a little before 6:00 to find that he has not bought me a flower, card or anything for V-Day. Apparently, the dinner was it. The dinner was OK but nothing seemed special about it. Maybe I'm not a big meatloaf fan. :0 Anyway, his daughter ends up staying until after 8:00 pm when I originally thought she'd go back to her Mom's right after dinner. Then another family friend stops by to see his house (of course I know he didn't have control over that) but this friend stays and stays. Maybe she didn't think about this being a "date" since his kid was there and she didn't see any balloons or anything indicating it was V-Day.

Finally, the unexpected visitor leaves, and around 8:30, he decides to take the kid back to her Mom's. I stay and wait for him (doesn't take him long to get back). By this time, I feel like the evening is a bust, but he wants to get romantic when he gets back. I finally tell him that he wants romance and he didn't even get me a flower? He made a remark about not having been to the store since he had his daughter for 2 days. That might be true, but he was at W-Mart shopping a few days before our dinner (without his daughter) and didn't even think to pick up a card or anything. He had to have seen all the tables of stuff they had out for the holiday. He told me he was sorry and would make it up to me, but I am still let down and disappointed by the evening. Maybe it is too soon to expect flowers or cards, but is it not also too soon to expect me to get him cologne? Maybe my expectations are too high, but I felt like I made more effort than he did, and it was almost like we'd been together for months and this was a "no big deal" kind of evening. When you're trying to impress someone, wouldn't you think that a guy would think of flowers or something for V-Day?

My friends all think Jeff dropped the ball here and maybe just was not thinking. I have one counselor friend who believes that "he" thought the dinner WAS my gift and that I'm overreacting. I had cooked dinner for him before and expected that we might have a lot of dinners at his place too. Am I really so bad for expecting a card or something????

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Fri, 02-17-2006 - 5:01pm

Acting what way? Hurt because now is the time for him to make some effort here? Perhaps you missed the part about HIM telling me I could get him cologne. Once you have been seeing each other for months (or years), you don't usually expect as much. As in my previous post, if he had SAID, I didn't need to get him anything and that he'd just fix dinner, I would not have expected as much. I was led to believe that he would also get me something, however small it might be.

I'm learning not to expect much from any man, even one that claims to be so interested in me and has said how much he cares for me. I guess those $2 bouquets at W-Mart were never meant for people like myself. If you can't see the lack of thought here on his part, I can't convince you otherwise.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Sat, 02-18-2006 - 7:42pm

Hi misty2,

I am a lurker who just had to chime in here (a little late!). I can relate -- I also had a major V-day disappointment myself. I have been dating a guy I met through OLD for 4 months. He lives about 75 miles away, so due to distance and kid visitation schedules, we only see each other about once every 2 weeks. We E-mail and/or talk on the phone frequently. This man gave me a $100 gift certificate to a nice store for Christmas, so I certainly expected a *little* something for Valentine's Day. But -- long story short -- I got absolutely nothing! He wrote "Happy Valentine's Day" in an E-mail he sent on the 13th, but that's it. I was so hurt. I let him know (via E-mail) that I was disappointed. He apologized profusely and promised to make it up to me. I don't know....I too am having a hard time getting over this! He said V-day has never been a big holiday for him....

Can men really be this clueless?? Otherwise things have been going well with this guy, but I just can't believe he wouldn't even get me a card or some flowers. This guy makes a 6-figure salary....money is not the issue here!

Trying to get past this.....

mpjcmom

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
Sat, 02-18-2006 - 7:53pm

All these sad Valentine's stories make me glad I'm single! At least there are no expectations this way.

If I were in some sort of relationship, would I be disappointed if nothing happened for Valentine's? Not sure. I know for sure that life is too short to be with someone who doesn't acknowledge birthdays, anniversaries or Christmas. So I probably would feel the same as you gals who received less than stellar gifts. I wonder if men are silently boycotting this "holiday"....lol.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Sat, 02-18-2006 - 7:58pm
As for me, I'd be happy to have someone that paid me any kind of attention on Valentines Day and think these women should consider themselves lucky they have a guy that treats them well and likes them every other day of the year. I still don't get why this one day is such a big deal. It's a lot to live up to. Most women think it's a big deal and most men don't. Maybe the best thing is to come up with a good compromise or for women to TELL men they expect a big deal. I'd just like a guy that I like that likes me to treat me with a little decency - this extra stuff everyone seems to expect would be icing.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
Sat, 02-18-2006 - 8:10pm
I agree with you. I wouldn't think some of these "relationships" I've been reading (not just this board) warrant a *big deal* Valentine's since a lot are hardly a few months long. Maybe after a year? It's been so long since I've been with anyone around Valentine's but I do know when I did - I was a full-fleged girlfriend of longstanding. All I know is that day is a pain in the butt for a brand new relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Sat, 02-18-2006 - 9:23pm

If I remember your post you asked him what he wants. Did you bait him? Did you ask him so he will get you something? I am amazed at what women expect so quickly in relationships. I dated a man who didn't give conventional gifts and at first it was difficult but the first time he did something different I was hooked. Let me give you an example: Valentines Day. I was getting ready to leave for the weekend and was in the shower when I heard something. I turned off the shower and I realized that this man was right outside the bathroom door playing My Funny Valentine on his saxaphone. I cried it was amazingly romantic. For him it was what he knew. He played that same sax in a swing band.

I guess you would find that unacceptable because it didn't cost more than the cologne you bought. Oh well your loss.

I stick by my post.

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 5:21am
I was talking to this guy and he felt that you were selfish into believing that you should expect anything so soon in the relationship.In his opinion a 'red ' flag would have gone up in his head.He would not have called you back because in his mind the dinner was important.
In his closing statement he said 'you have to remember you're one of only 6 billion people on this earth and I can't meet them all'.So one makes no difference.
NOw this is HIS opinion
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 7:40am

Personally I wouldn't expect ANYTHING for any holiday 3 weeks into dating.

You asked him what he'd like for valentines so he threw out I don't know some cologne or something it's not like he demanded it. I wouldn't get all bent out of shape about a made up holiday.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 9:47am

Thought this might be of interest to many on this thread...


http://www.historychannel.com/exhibits/valentine/?page=history


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2005
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 10:53am

I'm sorry your V-Day wasn't as good as you hoped it would be.

And here's a stark contrast for you (proof that some men DO care about this holiday).

When the first V-Day rolled around for my (now ex) BF and I, to be honest, I hadn't put much thought into it. It was never a holiday that I held in very high regard, got in the "mood" to shop for, nor did I even think that most men cared either way. Sure, I'd do the nice meal (me cooking)and a quiet evening at home, but beyond that, it was just never a very big deal to me. And I certainly never expected a gift.

So V-Day rolls around and my BF brings me a bouquet of flowers, a card and a beautiful diamond/Sapphire tennis bracelet. I was stunned. Then sad, because I hadn't gotten him anything.

He was so hurt, he actually began to cry. "You didn't even get me a card".

OMG. Talk about feeling awful. I didn't even know what to say. I just stood there with my mouth open feeling completely guilty. I told him that I loved him (which I did) but that I didn't think he would be expecting anything for the holiday...apologized profusely...but it did bother me for a long time.

(Hopefully the wild animal sex later on that evening made up for it) j/k