Valentine's Day Disappointment

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Valentine's Day Disappointment
41
Fri, 02-17-2006 - 11:37am

I've been dating Jeff for almost 3 weeks. The relationship seems to have moved faster than I anticipated, but I was happy with things up until the other night (V-Day). He originally said he'd take me out to eat which I thought might be a special thing. I ask him what I can get him for V-Day and he replies with not much hesitation.."you can get me some cologne..whatever you like." So, I go out and buy cologne (not real expensive but something nice) and also get a couple kitchen utencil items which he needed along with a candle. He later tells me that he is going to cook at home since his daughter will be there. I inquire if the daughter will be there all evening and he said no. So, I go back out and buy a small box of candy for the daughter. It's only the second time I've been around the daughter. Now, keep in mind that he was going to have to cook regardless of whether I showed up or not. When I asked if I could bring a pie or something for dessert, he said that would be fine, so I go back to the store after work that same day and get a pie. I get to his house a little before 6:00 to find that he has not bought me a flower, card or anything for V-Day. Apparently, the dinner was it. The dinner was OK but nothing seemed special about it. Maybe I'm not a big meatloaf fan. :0 Anyway, his daughter ends up staying until after 8:00 pm when I originally thought she'd go back to her Mom's right after dinner. Then another family friend stops by to see his house (of course I know he didn't have control over that) but this friend stays and stays. Maybe she didn't think about this being a "date" since his kid was there and she didn't see any balloons or anything indicating it was V-Day.

Finally, the unexpected visitor leaves, and around 8:30, he decides to take the kid back to her Mom's. I stay and wait for him (doesn't take him long to get back). By this time, I feel like the evening is a bust, but he wants to get romantic when he gets back. I finally tell him that he wants romance and he didn't even get me a flower? He made a remark about not having been to the store since he had his daughter for 2 days. That might be true, but he was at W-Mart shopping a few days before our dinner (without his daughter) and didn't even think to pick up a card or anything. He had to have seen all the tables of stuff they had out for the holiday. He told me he was sorry and would make it up to me, but I am still let down and disappointed by the evening. Maybe it is too soon to expect flowers or cards, but is it not also too soon to expect me to get him cologne? Maybe my expectations are too high, but I felt like I made more effort than he did, and it was almost like we'd been together for months and this was a "no big deal" kind of evening. When you're trying to impress someone, wouldn't you think that a guy would think of flowers or something for V-Day?

My friends all think Jeff dropped the ball here and maybe just was not thinking. I have one counselor friend who believes that "he" thought the dinner WAS my gift and that I'm overreacting. I had cooked dinner for him before and expected that we might have a lot of dinners at his place too. Am I really so bad for expecting a card or something????

Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 11:02am

Slightly offtopic from the question you asked, but I can't believe no one has pointed out the biggest red flag with this guy. You're so focused on the valentines stuff... but have you considered how inappropriate it is for a DATE (not even a gf) to be hanging around his daughter?

A single parent's FIRST responsibility is to their child(ren) and dating should be secondary and separate. The right thing for him to do would have been to take you out AFTER dropping the daughter off with her mother, so you could have had an actual DATE.

Dates shouldn't be introduced to kids until it's looking like a stable long term relationship. This is BOTH for the sake of stability for the kids, AND for developing a healthy relationship between two people.

I'd tread carefully here.

Now about the valentines shenanigans - why would you get him anything in the first place? Now when you asked him what he wanted he should have either said don't get him anything, or he should have gotten you something too. He made the specific, deliberate decision to take without giving. Oh yeah, and using the daughter as an excuse to not get to the store is LAME... it's not even like it's an infant/toddler which does make shopping more of a chore. You are chasing him and he's not reciprocating. Sorry to be the pessimist but this guy doesn't sound like relationship material.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 2:58pm
You can stick by your opinion, wrong as I believe it is, and I will stick by mine. If the general consensus is that it's too soon to expect much, then why expect cologne? Why say that I could get him anything? Seems that is the thing some of ya'll are missing here. It wasn't about money, it was about "effort", and I feel like I did more than I should have. I figured I'd at least get some flowers maybe. I don't think even one flower would have been too much to ask here, but those of you who disagree with me won't see it any other way. Oh well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 3:02pm
I realize that might be "his" opinion, but it goes back to my guy's response. If he had said, "you can cook me dinner next time", that would have indicated to me not to expect anything more. It was actually a combination of a lot of glitches in the evening, but I could have overlooked some other things if he had done anything whatsoever to make sure that he remembered what day it was. Also, keep in mind that even though the romance is pretty new, it has progressed much faster than some of the others, and it was not out of line at all for me to expect something more here. To me, this was the same as forgetting my birthday, and I'm sure most of you women would be quite hurt if a guy you were dating, even for a short time, made no special effort to remember your b-day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 3:11pm
Yes, I'm sure you felt bad for your guy. I realize this is a "secular" holiday that no offices ever close for, but for crying out loud, why wouldn't someone in a relationship (new or not--doesn't really matter) do SOMETHING to remember the one they're dating, been in a relationship with for a long time, engaged to, or married to. There is absolutely no way that people can't be aware of this holiday (men or women). I would venture a guess that this one causes more hurt feelings between couples than any other (maybe x-mas runs close). People can say they don't celebrate it or they don't care, but I believe most anyone would be touched if they received a card, flower, anything special that makes them KNOW they are valued and cared about. I also realize this can be done at other times too, but get a clue, a lot of guys don't do things like that on their own. You'd think the national hoopla over V-Day would make them realize that it is important to a lot of women. I'm glad to know there are a few men who still try to do things for their significant other on V-Day and at other times too. Seems to be very few around who make much effort.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 3:24pm
I appreciate your thoughts. I do believe the guy is relationship material because he has been great otherwise in our time together--which I admit has been quite a lot in the short period of time. I agree, that he should have handled the daughter deal differently, and I also believed his reason for not even getting me a card was pretty lame--thus my feelings of hurt and thus my post. I had met his daughter previously to this evening, so it was not like the first time to see her, BUT, I felt like the evening was one where I had dated him for months and months. There was no special effort made on the dinner. It was what I believed he had planned to cook regardless of whether I showed up or not. My presumption that he would do something to indicate he remembered the holiday was in his request for "cologne". I felt I made the "normal" assumption that most women would make--I would get at least a card or something small. I really did not expect a lot. I felt like he should have made the time & effort to do that, but he didn't. I guess time will tell if this will pan out. A guy who has lavished attention on me like he has and also shown me how much he cares would be someone I would naturally assume would do something for V-Day. As one friend told me, "assume and expect nothing from men". Maybe she's right.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 4:07pm
I'd like to broaden your friend's comment to "Assume and do not expect anything from anyone."
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 7:30am

LOL Its funny I emailed a guy friend from work and asked him if he got anything special for valentines day and he said this to me

<<>>

I agree with him, I think it's more special when a guy gives me flowers, a card, or a special gift out of the blue to tell me I'm special then some grande gesture on Valentines Day because he has too. I think a lot of men feel this way, there is way too much pressure, if the flowers aren't right then the day is RUINED for the girls, it's like some big competition...I saw it in the office, it's horrible girls practically panting at the door waiting for flowers to be delivered. Last year this girl got beautiful lilies delivered, she was pissed they weren't roses...what the heck, most of us got nothing and she was mad they weren't roses. My friend is a florist, during valentines day the rose sellers up their prices so much that the flowers are so high, it's not like at valentines day the roses are harder to grow, it's such a huge scam. I feel bad for guys...it's a big test to see how much you love the girl. THey can never win.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 10:28am
EXACTLY!!! ;-) This is the way I feel. IMO, I would so much rather a guy be thoughtful and attentive every other day of the year. Make me feel special by buying me flowers "just because" or cooking dinner on a Monday night or giving me a shoulder rub on a Sunday because he knows I'm not looking forward to work the next day. This ONE single, stupid holiday has lost most of its meaning because women put so much emphasis on it and feel that if their guy doesn't do something romantic ENOUGH for them on this single day that he is a dog. I would take "every day" romance over an extravagant gesture on V-Day any time. I know that if I get something on V-Day, likely the guy is succumbing to the pressure of the media and retailers instead of necessarily making a gestrue to ME. LOL - maybe I should have been a guy! :-)

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 10:49am
Totally! The day I got a dozen of the biggest roses I have ever seen was a total surprise and at the time I was teetering between two guys - guess who won out? LOL
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 10:59am

I've been holding off reading this thread because I was not disappointed on V-day and I didn't want to gloat.

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