Valentine's Day Disappointment

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Valentine's Day Disappointment
41
Fri, 02-17-2006 - 11:37am

I've been dating Jeff for almost 3 weeks. The relationship seems to have moved faster than I anticipated, but I was happy with things up until the other night (V-Day). He originally said he'd take me out to eat which I thought might be a special thing. I ask him what I can get him for V-Day and he replies with not much hesitation.."you can get me some cologne..whatever you like." So, I go out and buy cologne (not real expensive but something nice) and also get a couple kitchen utencil items which he needed along with a candle. He later tells me that he is going to cook at home since his daughter will be there. I inquire if the daughter will be there all evening and he said no. So, I go back out and buy a small box of candy for the daughter. It's only the second time I've been around the daughter. Now, keep in mind that he was going to have to cook regardless of whether I showed up or not. When I asked if I could bring a pie or something for dessert, he said that would be fine, so I go back to the store after work that same day and get a pie. I get to his house a little before 6:00 to find that he has not bought me a flower, card or anything for V-Day. Apparently, the dinner was it. The dinner was OK but nothing seemed special about it. Maybe I'm not a big meatloaf fan. :0 Anyway, his daughter ends up staying until after 8:00 pm when I originally thought she'd go back to her Mom's right after dinner. Then another family friend stops by to see his house (of course I know he didn't have control over that) but this friend stays and stays. Maybe she didn't think about this being a "date" since his kid was there and she didn't see any balloons or anything indicating it was V-Day.

Finally, the unexpected visitor leaves, and around 8:30, he decides to take the kid back to her Mom's. I stay and wait for him (doesn't take him long to get back). By this time, I feel like the evening is a bust, but he wants to get romantic when he gets back. I finally tell him that he wants romance and he didn't even get me a flower? He made a remark about not having been to the store since he had his daughter for 2 days. That might be true, but he was at W-Mart shopping a few days before our dinner (without his daughter) and didn't even think to pick up a card or anything. He had to have seen all the tables of stuff they had out for the holiday. He told me he was sorry and would make it up to me, but I am still let down and disappointed by the evening. Maybe it is too soon to expect flowers or cards, but is it not also too soon to expect me to get him cologne? Maybe my expectations are too high, but I felt like I made more effort than he did, and it was almost like we'd been together for months and this was a "no big deal" kind of evening. When you're trying to impress someone, wouldn't you think that a guy would think of flowers or something for V-Day?

My friends all think Jeff dropped the ball here and maybe just was not thinking. I have one counselor friend who believes that "he" thought the dinner WAS my gift and that I'm overreacting. I had cooked dinner for him before and expected that we might have a lot of dinners at his place too. Am I really so bad for expecting a card or something????

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 11:24am
I know, my friends boyfriend send her flowers to work because she was sick over the weekend back in November to brighten her day because she had a crappy weekend...now that to me is better than any roses on valentines day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 12:13pm
I'm glad your guy didn't disappoint you with the holiday. Again, it's not about $, it's about thinking about the other person. When you are kind of on a "high" anyway with a new dating relationship and the guy acts so into you otherwise, it's quite a surprise when they do nothing special for you. I guess in my mind, "cologne" is sort of a bf/gf type of gift. I was feeling him out when I asked what I could get him and trying to gauge what he might want to do. I didn't want to NOT get him something if he were getting me something. I was fearing looking bad for not doing the right thing, but when I did what I thought he wanted and expected, it made me feel like I had over-done things when he didn't even get me a card. I'm not sure why it's so hard for some to grasp my bewilderment here. I thought our communication process was really good between he & I up to that point. But again, men and women think differently and that is a lesson I have to continually learn and re-learn.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 12:27pm
I understand it - the one-sidedness of it is what hacks you off and I agree THAT part of it is strange. IMO, he should have said "Oh, don't worry about getting me anything." if he wasn't going to get you anything. I definitely think THOSE actions are perplexing. But I still hold that it's just one day of the year and that his actions and how he treats you all the time should be far more important. If you start to notice these one-sided and selfish actions happening more often and he takes you for granted and makes you feel less than important on other times, THEN it is definitely a problem. But just emphasizing that this ONE particular incident on this ONE day that means more to women than it does to men should not be a deciding factor whether to continue or end a relationship. I think you've decided to wait and see which is good. But you bet, keep an eye out for the every day romance or the opposite if he starts to use you for your generosity and not do anything for you while expecting the world from you.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 3:28pm

I hope it's not completely off-topic, but thought that I'd post the conversation I had with a close guy friend a week before Valentine's Day. A lot of us, myself included, are disappointed because we expect more from the men than they had shown us. I guess the same could apply to men too. Perhaps they just don't complain about it like we do. :P Sorry for the messiness of the log but I don't know how I could make it more readable except for putting square brackets around the conversation and editing out some of the irrelevant stuff.

2/6/2006 1:51:10 PM Jess XXX

2/6/2006 1:51:23 PM XXX Jess

2/6/2006 1:51:30 PM Jess XXX

2/6/2006 1:51:37 PM XXX Jess

2/6/2006 1:51:45 PM Jess XXX

2/6/2006 1:51:50 PM XXX Jess

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2/6/2006 1:52:02 PM XXX Jess

2/6/2006 1:52:33 PM Jess XXX

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2/6/2006 1:53:09 PM Jess XXX

2/6/2006 1:53:09 PM XXX Jess
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2/6/2006 1:53:32 PM Jess XXX

2/6/2006 1:53:42 PM XXX Jess
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2/6/2006 1:55:19 PM Jess XXX

2/6/2006 1:56:40 PM XXX Jess
2/6/2006 1:56:54 PM XXX Jess
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2/6/2006 1:57:22 PM Jess XXX

2/6/2006 1:57:30 PM XXX Jess

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2/6/2006 1:58:28 PM XXX Jess
2/6/2006 1:58:36 PM XXX Jess




Edited 2/20/2006 6:04 pm ET by jjjj2004
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 3:53pm

I think a lot of men know how Valentine's Day feels to most women. Especially during the early stages of dating (less than 2 months) men may feel that if they do something nice, then the woman may assume that they are in an exclusive relationship. Anyway, I think the best way to avoid future V-Day mishaps, is to just notify your SO that you would like to receive something from them for V-Day.

We live in a society where women belive men should know things; trust me they don't or these same men may have been in previous relationship where the women never said anything or didn't mind receiving anything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 9:32am
I've sent men flowers and they have liked them when I've sent them and never felt uncomfortable or embarrassed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 6:41pm

Hi. Mind if I join in? I see the Should-I-Send-Flowers-To-My-Dude discussion pop up now and then. I'd like to offer my opinion.

First off, when a GF sends a BF flowers to his work I don't care what he tells you he gets razzed about it (yes, even in 2006).

When a Wife sends her Husband flowers to his work the other guys think that his wife just wasted $70 bucks and they feel sorry for him.

Of course, neither a BF nor a smart Husband ever tell you because they would not want to hurt your feelings.

Women have a tendency to think that because they like something... then certainly their beau would like it. Since women love to receive flowers then their boyfriends will do handstands if he receives them. Not true.

What would your (female) reaction be if on Valentines Day your SO walked up behind you, slapped you on the butt and said, "Hey, I got you a $50 gift certificate to AutoZone."?

Now... if it happened to me... I'd give her a kiss.

:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 6:56pm
I sent him flowers on his birthday and he owned the business...he worked with women they all cooed...no men worked there...
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 12:36pm
Well thre's the difference! ;-) If he worked with men, he'd have gotten razzed about it and might not have thought they were so awesome. I agree with JAHD on this one. Once my boss was ordering flowers to send to her husband for his birthday. She was a VP of a company and made a lot more money than he did and in a way, I think that affected their relationship making her more the "man" in it even though he was a manly guy working in construction or something. When she was ordering them, I felt really badly for him thinking how he'd probably be pretty embarrassed that his woman sent him flowers. Maybe he wouldn't and maybe other men wouldn't but I don't think I would send a man flowers.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 12:49pm

I think I wouldn't send a construction worker flowers, I definitely would consider WHERE I was sending them. lol

Like I might send them home, or something...but never somewhere like a construction site, you would have to be a complete IDIOT to do that. LOL