Vent...am I cut out for this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2006
Vent...am I cut out for this?
3
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 12:12am

Alright I've been lurking for awhile but I think I need to join the ranks. I'm 25 and have had 3 relationships but not much dating experience...everyone I've dated (with two exceptions) have turned into relationships. Sorry for the long vent but am I off here?

I went out with a guy I met online (through a more serious dating website). We went right from e-mailing to going out on a date (which seemed a bit odd to me but I figured I would go with it). He was really nervous on the date. That was ok but he didn't plan at all. Is it too much to expect someone who asks you out to have a rough game plan...like where we can eat? He left finding a place to eat up to me though we were both just as familiar with the area (not very), when we got there and there was a line I was the one to find the hostess to put our name on the list, I was the one to check with the hostess about whether our table was ready when we checked back in despite waiting for him to do so, he didn't ask many questions about me though I was trying to find out more about him, he noted to me that he was covering 60% of the check (he asked me out if it makes a difference), he even called me the "anchor" of the table because I ate 1 1/4 piece of deep dish pizza (after telling him I hadn't had time to eat anything all day). I'm a size 6...I felt odd when he called me the "anchor" and maybe it was supposed to be funny and an odd sort of compliment but even the waiter stuck up for me upon hearing his say that.

Then he sends me an e-mail and calls me. I told him I didn't feel the chemistry. He says he wasn't himself and nervous and wanted to ask me out again. I told him that I understood nervousness but I wasn't sure if I would feel any more chemistry the next time around, that I had a gut instinct that he was a fun guy but not right for me but we could give it a shot (but that my nights were booked this week, which they are, including a date...I wanted to be honest that I was going to date other people). He sent me a semi-scathing reply saying he had reconsidered, that there were a number of things he didn’t find immediately attractive about me but he thought he would keep an open mind, that he didn't want to go out with me and that he thought I was immature for thinking I know him after a few hours. I responded that I didn't know him, that I just wasn't into playing games and wanted to let him know that I didn't think the chemistry was there.

Should I not go with my gut on this one? What about in general- do you all go with your gut instinct? Do you all rely on first date impressions? What if this was your first date with someone? Advice on how to proceed in the future with other online matches? Should I not be so honest with people I've just met? If you are not interested in someone do you just ignore them? I personally hate that and that is why I tried to be upfront.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2006
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 1:14am

For the most part I go with my gut instinct, but I will often times give a guy a second chance just to be sure my gut was right. On this situation I would not give this guy a second chance, being nervous does not excuse his being rude on the date (you deserve to be treated better than that). I think he proved that even further with his insulting e-mail upon being rejected; he is not worth your time.

In the future I would suggest always at least having a brief phone conversation with them before agreeing to an in-person date. There have been many times I have thought someone was nice over e-mail but could tell they weren't from me from the first phone call. Also for the first date I like doing just drinks or coffee. This way if you aren't feeling it you can say you have plans to meet people later, and your not stuck with them for a whole dinner.

I think it is important to be honest with people and not ignore them, especially if you met them in person. You don't necessarily have to say your are dating other people after one date. That is really none of there business until things get to a more serious level. I wouldn't lie if asked about it but I wouldn't bring it up either.

Good luck with future dates!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 10:16am

I think going with your gut instinct is usually a good thing. Most times when I haven't, I have wound up regretting it so... :-) However that said, yes you were "TOO" honest with him. First, in my experience, there is no reason to get into detail about why you don't want to see someone again. To a lot of people, what you said could be taken as insulting. All you really need to say is that you don't think that the two of you are a good match or that you didn't really feel a good connection or something simple. DON'T tell someone that "I really don't think you're the guy for me but I'll give it another chance". TO ME, that would sound like "yeah, I'm going against every instinct I have, and I don't expect anything to change, but sure, I'll lower my standards and go out with you one more time even though I am already 100% convinced it won't work but since you are so desperate and trying to convince me to give it another try... weeeeelllll, OK."

Also, TELLING people you are dating others is also not necessary. You're doing online dating - you can assume anyone you are dating is also seeing other people. But telling them straight up, "yeah, I have another date this week so I'm too busy to see you!" is (to quote Sheri), a bit tacky. Just don't say anything - if you have plans, you have plans. No need to get into details about what those plans are.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2006
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 12:30pm

Ok, fair enough. I guess I'm used to spilling more information than is necessary. From now on I think I will keep my dating other people quite unless someone asks. I'm not used to dating around so I suppose I feel a little guilty by not spilling the beans. Gotta change that clearly...like I said online dating is new to me, as is arranging for dates with more than one person at a time. I didn't go into detail about why we were not a good match...just that the chemistry wasn't there for me. Maybe it is less rude to say we aren't a good match? From now on if someone asks for a second date twice (after I've already said no and am very sure he isn't someone I want to spend another 2 hours with) it might be easier to just stick to a simple no instead of feeling like I'm being guilt tripped into a second date.

Thank you both for your input. I appreciate it.