Very concerned...advice needed
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Very concerned...advice needed
| Tue, 12-13-2005 - 10:01am |
On the way into work this morning, I noticed that Ronnie went through my phone.
| Tue, 12-13-2005 - 10:01am |
On the way into work this morning, I noticed that Ronnie went through my phone.
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hi Jodie
First I am sorry you are going through this.
but i want to say, No i am not defending Ronnie- but curious to know if he also has past trust issues , therefore, finding the first message , made him feel like he couldn't trust you but also triggering some issues from the past which now make him even more insecure about the two of you.
NO it is not right to go through your phone and he crossed a line there. I agree. But i also can see maybe why he did it, as he did think he had some reason not to trust you by finding that text message.. Even though you discussed it, It is apparent he needs a lot of reassurance in this area. I am not certain but was he cheated on in the past?
Also are you sure he was tampering w/it? or was it something else?
Before you ask him you may want to say hmm it was strange but it seems something was up w/ my phone this am... and then maybe ask him if he knew of anything.. then bring it up.. not attacking him.. Sit down and discuss the issues and why he feels he cannot trust you since that message.. Again he needs some reassurance, but also has to understand if this happens again, it is a possibility that you can NO longer trust him as you understood that your phone is not something he should be tampering with and if he does, then how can you trust him and what the consequences will be if he does go against his word again..
Sounds like it is too late for the indirect approach. Jodie, didn't you say that you've already left a voicemail about this and that you need to talk?
I think my main concern here is that you have already discussed it once and he promised that he wouldn't do it again because he understood your feelings. And yet he's apparently done it again. His reaction will be key here, IMO. If he gets defensive or angry - that can't be a good sign. I don't know tho - even a reasonable explanation seems to not really be possible here. He knows how you feel and said he'd respect your wishes. IMO, if he still felt that he didn't have a reason to trust you after the first text message and even after the high school flame, he should have TALKED to you knowing your feelings about this. Snooping should never be necessary in a good, solid relationship because you should have enough faith in one another to know they are being faithful and also enough respect for each other that if you have any suspicions that you can talk to each other about it.
I don't agree with invading a persons privacy and I think individual's cell phones are as off limits as wallets and purses. Having said that since it's happened previously and whatever discussion took place has obviously not satisfied Ronnie's "curiosity" the issue needs to be addressed more fully.
I'm coming at this from my own experience and trust issues, so bear with me. Your relationship with Ronnie has moved very fast and is highly emotionally charged at this point. You have both put yourselves way out there in terms of commitment to the relationship at this time. It makes a person feel vulnerable even if they are on board with wanting to do it and orchestrating it because they are so happy to be together. It can be almost surreal, so much so in fact that a person can want to look for validation of their decisions without asking for it. Just to make sure they are not imagining it all, or getting swept away, or putting themselves in an unfavourable position...you know setting themselves up for a fall.
I really think that Ronnie is struggling with trust of his own decisions more so than his trust of you. I also believe from what I've read about how good relationships are formed, that an important part of having successful relationships revolves around how the very first conflicts are resolved. It forms the basis on which future issues will be handled. I wish I could remember where I found the article on this, but I can't. Basically it talked about when the first issue arises each party has an opportunity to set the tone for how it will go in the future. Will they find a middle ground, will one person give in or is there something in-between. Will there be discussion and mutually beneficial resolution, will it get swept under the carpet, will there be examination.
Personally I think that you can help Ronnie identify his issue and openly validate his decision without having to take responsibility for him working on it himself. I say that because that's exactly what Relationship Guy has done for me. He's been helpful in providing me with the validation and reassurance that we're on the same page and offering information that I wouldn't necessarily ask for, but am thankful for anyway. It has boosted my sense of security in the relationship and trust in myself to make good decisions.
So while I completely understand that you feel your privacy has been invaded, I also think it should be viewed as a symptom of a much deeper issue within him that you can help him resolve by good open communication. He probably feels bad about his actions and is kicking himself. The truth is he was most likely looking for reassurance and found something that makes him entirely uncomfortable and now he's paranoid about it and perpetuating the cycle. At least that's what I seemed to do.
Jodie,
The advice given so far has been solid... basically it comes down to talking.
"Personally I think that you can help Ronnie identify his issue and openly validate his decision without having to take responsibility for him working on it himself."
That is a great way of putting it...that's what I was trying to get at but didn't state nearly so eloquently.
There was a male poster on the GT board a while back that posted something similar that stayed with me...it was along the lines of "I know it's not my issue, but I can do things that will make your issue better and I can do things that will make it worse...so in the interests of our relationship, I choose to do things that will make it better".
Sheri
I appreciate everyone's input on helping put this into better perspective.
CL-Truewild1969
For further information regarding OLD including FAQ please visit our OLD Website at;
Well thank you!
I have had trust issues, and know I didn't want to have them, but there they were. It's an internal struggle between trusting yourself and protecting yourself. Ronnie knows it's wrong to sneak a peak at the phone. That's not the issue IMHO. I know that I would have completely shut down if Relationship Guy had been defensive.
I totally understand. I recall an incident with my LD ex...I was visiting him in NOLA and he checked his messages at one point. I could hear a woman's voice and his body language got really tense and he clamped the phone to his ear as he was listening to the message. So of course I asked him about it. You would think I had accused him of murdering a child by the way he reacted! And he knew about my issues with trust from my previous relationship with The Liar, but he still reacted that way (yelling and threatening to end things if I didn't stop treating him like he was my ex) instead of with caring and compassion.
I should have ended it then, but because I *knew* I had issues with trust, I bent over backwards with trying not to project them onto him. I convinced myself that someone who was being honest with me *could* have that type of defensive, angry reaction. But the thing is, whether he was guilty or innocent, lying or being honest, doesn't really matter (and in this particular instance based on things I learned later, I do think he was being truthful that the woman was a platonic friend, although he was dishonest about other things)...it's the fact that he showed so little compassion for me, so little willingness to work with me, so much selfishness, so little empathy. Ironically, I got a call from an old college buddy (male) that same weekend that I took in front of him, and of course I pre-emptively told him, before he even had to ask, who it was, what our relationship was, etc, so he didn't have to worry about it. And that was what ultimately doomed our relationship...his selfishness and lack of compassion and empathy.
Sheri
I am really confused now and I am trying to understand where you and solazzo are coming from. Maybe you guys can help me while you are helping Jodie ;)
I thought that TRUST and RESPECT were *non-negotiable*. I was under the impression from Jodie's post that she was upset because he disrespected her wishes a second time. She had already made herself very clear the first time it happened. What is to say that he won't do it again? Jodie can be the most compassionate, open, and loving person and try her best to make him comfortable and prevent him from being insecure, and he can STILL do it again. Instead of asking her he violated her trust.
Lets say he DID do it and it was not someone else or the cat, After he found the text message why didn't he talk to her about what he had found? Ronnie has always asked Jodie to be honest with him about what she is feeling, and if she is having doubts he wants her to be comfortable coming to him. I just don't understand why he would want her to trust him and then not give her the same opportunity to be honest with him.
I'll look forward to an update about it! It's not insurmountable...
I'll be honest with you...I think this is one of the pitfalls of how quickly your relationship has moved. I don't care how well adjusted a person is, a couple is...moving, blending families, sharing your space, adapting to new routines and all that is just plain and simple stressful. We're not at our best when we're stressed.
I'm not chastising you, I stand behind my congratulations of last week.
Solazzo
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