Very concerned...advice needed
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Very concerned...advice needed
| Tue, 12-13-2005 - 10:01am |
On the way into work this morning, I noticed that Ronnie went through my phone.
| Tue, 12-13-2005 - 10:01am |
On the way into work this morning, I noticed that Ronnie went through my phone.
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Maybe I'm confused about the facts...I read Jodie's responses as saying that she did NOT really explain what the deal was with the text from her ex...she just basically brushed Ronnie off with a couple "oh, it's nothing, don't worry" comments and focused primarily on how upset she was that he had looked at her phone. Don't you think that reaction to a very suspicious text would make anyone a little insecure? Plus, she showed him that he couldn't really talk to her...that she would brush off his concerns rather than address them.
I already said that he should have talked to her if he was still feeling insecure, but if she did basically brush him off the first time, I can understand why he didn't approach her this time (not to justify it, just explain). And I also already addressed the whole permanent vs. temporary insecurity issue in an earlier post in this thread so I won't repeat that here either.
I'm not sure exactly what you mean by trust and respect being "non-negotiable"...both are essential to a healthy relationship but both have to be earned in the context of a budding relationship. You don't just give a stranger total trust and respect...you see if they are worthy of each by their actions, words, etc. over time. If either party does things that create doubt, and those doubts are not addressed, then it's hard to give trust once doubt has been created. So they need to get back to the core issue and address it...they need to try to erase the doubt.
Sheri
Because his own fears got the best of him and he made a mistake in not discussing it with Jodie. It's hard to admit a weakness to yourself, let alone your partner. Frankly I think it has everything to do with not having really had a lot of practice with having to resolve any really huge issues in the three months they've been together. That is not a slam at all BTW.
Jodie's perspective was that there was no issue, that it had been discussed and resolved 5 weeks ago. When it happened again she felt violated, as would I and most others. She doesn't have to excuse the behaviour in order to acknowledge that it's more complicated than she first thought and she wants to understand what the issue really is with Ronnie.
Being defensive, locking out the keypad, removing access to these things is one way to go I guess, but it will do nothing but drive a wedge between them and exacerbate his insecurity, fear, need for reassurance or whatever. Would Jodie be wrong to demand that her privacy be respected, ummm no, no she wouldn't. Would it resolve whatever the latent issue is within Ronnie? ummm no I don't think so. So she'd be right, and he'd be struggling on his own...
Sheri,
You make some excellent points. I just assumed that since they had agreed to take the next step and move in together that they were past the point in a relationship where it is understood that snooping was wrong. They feel sure that they are ready to make that kind of commitment. I don't think that they should break up over this but Jodie should do some serious thinking before she moves in with someone who violates her privacy. When I said that Ronnie should have spoken to her I meant BEFORE he snooped the first time. He must have had some doubts before he picked up her phone to check her messages. I think its very hard for someone who feels violated to react in a rational calm way. I really don't think this is "temporary insecurity" because from her posts, I don't think Jodie gave him any reason for suspicion before this, but I might be wrong.
Ah...I didn't see his behavior the first time as snooping. I took it at face value that he was looking for the joke to send to his mom as she stated. Not everyone has the same boundaries about privacy...some people don't really care if you look at their phone, etc. Now, I personally would *ask* if it was ok before I did that, but the fact that he didn't doesn't *necessarily* mean he's a snooper.
Reacting to a perceived boundary violation calmly is easier if you can put yourself in the other person's shoes (empathy) and not automatically *assume* that they did it to violate your privacy. Edited to add: isn't Steven Covey who says "Seek first to understand then to be understood"? That's what I'm talking about.
Sheri
Edited 12/13/2005 5:00 pm ET by northwestwanderer
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MY post also indicated basically the same as NWW and Solazzo.
I also got the impression that the first time he looked on her phone it wasn't that he was invading her privacy. He had asked if he could find the joke that she had shared so he could share it w/ his mom.. that is when he found the other text from the X. which raised his eyebrows to having some trust issues since Jodie had never told him about until AFTER he found out. Again, it may have been this issue to be just enough to trigger some old ugly monsters that he has from the past- he obviously has some past trust issues and needs reassurance therefore that is why he crossed the line and checked her phone because one he was reassuring himself that she wasn't hiding anything and two reassuring himself that he could trust Jodie.
Yes it is crossing the line and it seems to me he did it one time and now it needs to put out in the open and everything laid on the table. AS to why he felt the need to do it, and what issues he has w/ her and the past. And how they can proceed forward and how it also Hurt and disappointed Jodie that he would invade her privacy.
Again no one is perfect. If this was a continued behavior then I could see having issues w/ it because it could turn obsessive or possessive. But it hasn't gotten to that point and hopefully won't.
also I can also totally relate having trust issues my self and wanting to snoop in the past.. Is it right? no, but again no one is perfect.
Not to Rain on your parade Jodie of moving in together, but it does take a while for the other shoe to drop and see the whole picture. But again , it seems you are open to resovling this maturely and openly which is essential to building and making a r'ship work. Communication and how you resolve conflict is key.
Hi Sheri,
I see where you are coming from now. When you said that people have different boundaries when it comes to privacy I think you hit the nail on the head. Everyone also interprets things differently. For me, I just wondered to myself why he couldn't just wait for her to get out of the shower to ask her if he could see the joke. That is why I thought it was snooping. I also thought that after Jodie explained to him the first time how she felt, she had let him know exactly what her privacy boundaries are. So in him doing it a second time (or getting caught a second time) he willfully violated her privacy again.
Right, but by then, it could be argued that he had reason to be insecure, because of the way she handled his finding of the text message from the ex, which may have created doubt in his mind as to her trustworthiness.
I hope I've been careful to say this throughout...I'm NOT saying he was right or justified in doing so, by any means. But if the two of them are to have a chance of working things out, they need to understand each other's hot button issues and be empathetic towards each other. It may not do any good (he may have too many insecurity issues or their boundaries are too different or whatever), but without at least trying it that way, it definitely will NOT work.
Sheri
Jodie, how did the talk go last night? I'm concerned not to see an update...I hope that it did go well and you're just busy today. Anyway, thinking of you and I hope you're ok. Post when you can!
Sheri
Sheri and All,
Jodie just called and asked me to post and let everyone know that things are fine with she and Ronnie. She is in the hospital today for a routine procedure....not to worry, she's fine, Ronnie is there with her and has been since she went in this morning. She will be released later today and feeling better by tomorrow. But, she will be out of work for the rest of the week so she won't be able to post. She wanted me to let everyone know that she appreciates all your support and said to tell you she will post a complete update next week.
Libra
Edited 12/14/2005 3:39 pm ET by libraclass
Oh, good, thanks for letting us know!
Sheri
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