Vexer...
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Vexer...
| Tue, 02-21-2006 - 5:53pm |
I thought you could appreciate this one...you know the discussion we had a few months ago on me hating eharmony's choice of "I'd rather not say" and "other" well I had gone on a couple dates with this guy, things had gone well, I wasn't feeling attracted to him but I had a lot of fun on the dates, he wrote on friday (the 10th) after our date a real sweet note saying how much he's enjoyed our dates and that i really made him laugh, I responded that I've really enjoyed the dates as well and to enjoy his trip to see his family over the weekend and to be careful in the storm. SO monday comes and I email him at work to find out if he made it back safely, he wrote when he got into work, real late actually for him and said he had just got in and that he just drove back that morning because of the storm and that he hit a big traffic jam because of an accident and he was so tired etc and so forth, asked how MY weekend was, I told him it stunk (because it did, my heat went out all weekend long) never heard from him since. So this friday before i left for the weekend I just shot him a quick message like "hey did aliens abduct you I'm off for the weekend hope your okay" sort of thing, thinking maybe you know he was busy at work kind of thing, Heard nothing so totally weird that he would ghost so unless he's hurt some where or something bad has happened there really isn't an excuse for it and totally flabbergasts me... so I went in to eharmony to close and thought...I'm choosing RATHER NOT SAY...because I'd really like to write your a pansy chicken poop but that isn't an option. ROFL
Edited 2/21/2006 5:54 pm ET by sniffle_sally
Edited 2/21/2006 5:54 pm ET by sniffle_sally

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Exactly!! I felt that way when I closed the pansy chicken poop that I talked to last week and said he wanted to meet me and then I never heard from him! I really wanted a reason of something like "this guy is a big ol' disrespectful chicken who set up a meet and then never bothered to follow through!" ;-) Instead, I chose "Other". It just didn't pack the same punch!
Sorry to hear this guy ghosted on you - it sounds like it was going pretty well. Oh well, NEXT!
I got an email from him:
Subject: I'd Rather Not Say?
What's up with that? I don't know what you think is going on here but let me fill you in on my last week before you make any judgements. Since last Monday I have worked 65 hours due to a conversion going on. My boss broke her leg skiing on her vacation so she has been out for the last 2 weeks. I sent a couple of emails to you at work just to let you know that I would be busy and that I probably would not have much time but you either did not get them or ignored them. I also sent you an Egreeting on Valentine's day ( a day which I worked 15 hours by the way ). You never responded to any those emails so I assumed you were not interested. Then I get into work this morning after being sick as a dog all weekend and I see an email from you from Friday afternoon that read something like "did you drop off the planet" . Not a "how are you" or even "is everything ok" but a one liner designed to make me feel like a jerk. You have my number and my home email address. You could have called or emailed me at home if you were really wondering what was going on. I am not sure what to make of all of this but I am willing to chalk it up to some mis-communication if you still want to talk. If not, I understand and I wish you good luck. The ball is in your court now.
***Hmmm...I call foul on this...first off I never received any emails, I check my postini (spam box) at work everyday and there was nothing there, so what is the possibility that I'm getting email from everyone but him? Also, what is with all the going on and on about all the hours he worked and the hours on VDay who cares??? I haven't even mentioned VDay, I haven't even emailed him about VDay and we haven't even talked about VDay???? Also, I'm a little ticked about the mention of the "one liner" thing..the email he mentions I wrote "Hey have you been abducted by aliens? I'm taking off for the weekend hope your okay" so his point that I don't even ask how he is or if he's okay is moot since I do say directly in the note that I hope he's okay...something smells funky in Denmark...why is it that he waits until I close the match to email me? He was at work on friday when I emailed him, doesn't respond, he was at work today when he sees my email, doesn't respond, only when I close the match does he email me this...and not only that but I have not even sent him any nasty grams or any evil emails or anything so whats with all the "judgment" statements in this email, he sure does go through a lot of trouble trying to make himself the victim and me this big bad guy in all this...
First, he's on the defense for good reason (he knows he should have followed up)
Secondly, I doubt he sent you those emails, I can see maybe *one* not getting through but several and an ecard - unlikely.
His ego was bruised when you said "I'd rather not say"..... he knows what he did - he's trying to make you look bad for his lack of follow-through and/or interest level. It feeds his ego -
My advice, don't reply and don't go out with him again, he's a jerk!
On one hand, I can see SOME point on his side but only a small one. There's always the phone and YOU could have called him instead of sending an email as sometimes cyberspace is 1) not that reliable and 2) not the best form of communication. But that said, he could have called too - it only takes a minute for him to do so and say "I'm really busy but I'll get back to you when things slow down." It might have been a miscommunication, but I also have a hard time believing that a couple emails and an ecard got lost. And again the reverse - when he hadn't heard back from you - what's to stop HIM from picking up the phone and seeing how YOU were?
His actions show him to be a little self-centered and immature. I say stand by your original action and just stay away.
I probably would have if it were a common for me to call him or email him at home but it wasn't. The entire time that we talked I never called him, I never emailed him at home. I always emailed him at work and he always emailed me at work. He called me at home occasionally and that was it. So I emailed him twice during that week and when he didn't respond I closed the match, I figured, I made an effort to get in contact, I just figured he was ghosting, it happens all the time, why would I go out of my way you know to find out the guy is disappearing. I find it hard to believe he emailed me and they didn't reach me, I got emails from everyone else that week and I check my spam email box every day and nothing was in their either, and his email to me was just so defensive, it's not like he got a scathing email from me, I just closed the match...seems to me he's trying way too hard to make me feel bad for him with the whole I'm working so hard and I was sick and you tried to make me feel like a jerk which I totally didn't...and if he thought I was ignoring him because he supposedly sent me 3 emails and an ecard and I didn't respond then wouldn't he have figured it out when I sent him the "where are you are you okay? email that I didn't get them? so something just doesn't sit right. I probably would give him another shot if he had just emailed me and said Hey I am sorry My boss broke her leg and we are in the middle of a conversion I've been balls to the wall swamped I haven't had a moment to even write an email let alone call...I am not blowing you off I promise...but he didn't instead I got the nasty gram basically laying all the blame at my feet and casting judgments at me as if I sent him something mean which I never did. He is new to online dating, so this may be the first time he's ever experienced something like this but this is DEFINITELY not the way I would expect him to handle this and honestly if he had just said, hey I've been swamped I probably would have just been okay cool. But this just makes me believe if we ever got in a fight he'd be blaming me for everything.
Also, I was busy myself last week, I wasn't home on monday night at all, tuesday was valentines day I was out, wednesday I was home, Thursday I had plans with a friend and Friday I was gone to NH for the entire weekend, so I was busy myself, no time to call even if that was a common thing for me to do. So his assumption that I was just sitting around waiting on him is odd as well.
Hi,
I just have to say how amazed and impressed I am that you ladies can stand by your ground, even when a man is trying to manipulate and make you feel guilty. If it were me who got such response from that guy, I would've felt bad and started questioning whether I was the one being unreasonable.
It happened to me, actually. Remember my doctor guy? Well, about a month ago I finally decided that I was fed up and confronted him about his "lies." The problem is that most of the time it was just my gut feelings that he was not being honest with me, and I didn't have any concrete proofs except for the inconsistency I found in his stories and/or actions. I probably had it bottled up for too long, so some small sign that he was "lying" again, I exploded and told him that we shouldn't see each other anymore. Well, it all started from about 5 weeks ago (we had been dating for about 2 months at that time and had been intimate): I called him, and he told me he was at the airport, flying to FL where his ex-gf lives - I assumed he went there to see her otherwise he could've told me before, and he said it was a last-minute thing. I asked him if there was something wrong; he said no, and that he was boarding & would call me in 3 hours. Well, three hours turned into two weeks. Yup, I didn't hear from him for 2 weeks. When he resurfaced, guess what he said? He said he hadn't heard from me so he thought that I wasn't interested or that I found someone else. WTF! But I was stupid and decided to give him another chance. So we were on the phone trying to decide when to meet again. He was driving then, and when I told him that the next day I would be going somewhere near his city and asked him if he wanted to meet then, he started checking/mapping on the internet for the location. I know some phones have this capability, but I just wasn't convinced that one can be driving, talking on the phone, AND surfing on the net at the same time! The thought of him possibly lying to me bothered me a while, but I didn't ask him about it at that time. Later I decided to call him and tell him that I don't think I could do this anymore. He was defensive and explained that he did pull over... He said "so you're just going to second-guess everything I do now... you're acting all... 'woman'!" And then he said things like if it was the way I feel then he didn't know what to say. And very abruptly he said he was busy and would call me back later. I never heard back from him, and it was about 3-4 weeks ago. I don't know how he managed to turn the situation around. I was supposed to be the one breaking up with him, yet he got the ball back to his court by saying that he'd call later. And what he said made me feel bad about myself - I started questioning whether he was right, that I was being unreasonable, paranoid, wrongfully accusing him, and "all 'woman'" I felt so bad I even called him the next day and left a message apologizing for my rudeness (for calling him a liar indirectly the previous night - actually what I said was that he wasn't a very good one). Well, needless to say, he never called back, and now I feel STUPID for making that phone call.
When I confronted him, I wanted to end things with him - partly because I don't think I could trust him after all the let-downs from him, including the unexplained trip and the disappearing act (though he insisted that nothing happened and that it was me who didn't contact him), and partly because I did meet the guy I am seeing now when he ghosted. But somehow I can't seem to get over this. I have to admit that I still feel guilty, though many people told me that he was a jerk since the beginning (including many of you on this board) - I just chose to overlook all the red-flags.
Sorry for the long post but I needed to get it out. Anyway, I just hope that I could be as strong as many of you here and not let a man change my decisions/opinions like that.
Jess
Edited 2/22/2006 5:46 pm ET by jjjj2004
Some people are just never responsible for what happens to them. You were right the first time....chicken poop.
E
Wow - that sounds like a bad situation all around. That guy was a loser and user from the start and it's good he is finally out of your life. But isn't it interesting how he managed to always turn it around on you? That is a sign of a master manipulator.
As for me, unfortunately, I think it is less strength and more cynicism and protection. I am so tired of being used and hurt. After so many times, I realize that I had a big part in it by ALLOWING myself to be hurt by putting myself in these situations. So I am on guard now and won't put up with crap when I can see the potential for it to hurt me. I'd love for a great guy to enter my life and to have a real relationship. But I have decided I won't settle and I'm also not going to waste my time and put up with any more crap from these guys! ;-)
You know the fact that he hasn't responded, tells me I made the right move. He probably realizes he can't manipulate me and is moving on. Good choice.
LOL
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