Waiting Too Long to Meet?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2011
Waiting Too Long to Meet?!
Wed, 05-18-2011 - 11:08pm

So 3 weeks ago I sent an email to a guy on Match and he responded the next morning.


Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Thu, 05-19-2011 - 7:31am

That's a lot of emails and texts.

The fact is, you just never know. I have never been in that much contact before meeting, but I have experienced the phenomenon of seeming to have so much spark in emails and on the phone to have it fall very flat in person. With as much emailing as you have done, I think it's near impossible to have not built up a lot of fantasy about who he is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Thu, 05-19-2011 - 11:14am
floridagirl52 wrote:

That's a lot of emails and texts.

The fact is, you just never know. I have never been in that much contact before meeting, but I have experienced the phenomenon of seeming to have so much spark in emails and on the phone to have it fall very flat in person. With as much emailing as you have done, I think it's near impossible to have not built up a lot of fantasy about who he is.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Thu, 05-19-2011 - 2:48pm

You have definitely waited longer than average to meet, which as the others have said is understandable because of life getting in the way. However you really have gone over the top on the amount of communication you have had. I suppose it isn't necessarily a bad thing but it does lead to expectations maybe much higher than normal.

There is no way to judge how your date will be despite all your communications. I have seen it go both ways. You can get along splendidly in texts and emails and phone but then the first date flopped. It could be many things, you just just don't hit it off in person, there is no spark, you find something really annoying in him or vice versa, etc.

My rule has been to exchange a few emails and then meet ASAP after you have determined to go forward. Why wait any longer since so much hinges on how well you get along in person. If it is not going to work out then you should determine quickly so you can move on. Also why communicate so much with someone you have never meet. It can lead to much more of a disappointment than it has to.

I think people do learn these things as they gain more experience and you just learn to invest less and less in any new prospect until you meet them because it gets harder and harder to pick yourself up again after the last disappointment.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2007
Thu, 05-19-2011 - 9:26pm

I don't know that there is such a thing as too long really cause I think it depends on if the two of you were comfortable with the timeframe.

I have een dating my bf for almost 6 months but we had been talking for at least 6 months before we started dating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
Fri, 05-20-2011 - 4:30pm

I don't think 3 weeks is long at all!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2009
Fri, 05-20-2011 - 9:03pm

The last person I met from OLD and I contacted about as much as you did for about 2 weeks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Sun, 05-22-2011 - 10:53am

Hey, have you met yet?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2011
Mon, 05-23-2011 - 12:40am
Sorry for the delay everyone, I'm going to have to give a little backstory on this one...

So about 2 weeks ago, (one week into communicating) this guy--we'll call him "Joe" and I were laughing about how much he puts himself out there...I essentially said, "it's nice to meet YOU first rather than having to spend all of this time getting to know 'The Ambassador of Joe' before meeting Actual Joe who is some sort of jerk or something." He said yeah he was starting to figure that that was the way to go because he had once dated someone that took over a year for the Ambassador to go away and the real person to come out.

ANYWAY: So I joked about needing a list of disclaimers that guys would need ahead of time so that I could be like "heyyy, I told you this is how I am!" So he thought it was hilarious and asked me to send him the list. So I made one, making fun of all my faults:
1. I'm the busiest person you'll ever meet.
2. I have a ton of guy friends/teammates...that means traveling out of town with guy FRIENDS that are teammates. A guy I am dating would be welcome to come, obviously, but needs to know I have an obligation to my team, and guys that have a problem of me staying in hotels with guy FRIENDS need not apply...
3. I use too many words to explain myself.
4. I'm not going to go over to a guy I'm dating's house to do his laundry and clean his house (he had an ex who did that, which he claims he hated)
annnddd a slew of other random funny things.

Wednesday night we were talking and I had said something about him being a "stranger" and he said that it was crazy how much it seemed like we had known each other forever...we talked about that for a few minutes.

Thursday morning I replied to whatever he had last sent Wednesday night. And added another disclaimer joking myself for spending my first half hour of work reading a Pre-Tournament Break-Down of all the teams I was to play at a sporting event on Saturday....

Nothing. No response.

I really kept thinking that any minute the phone was going to vibrate with another text.


Friday morning comes and I'm like okay, I'm cllleaarrlyyy not going to meet up with him tonight because now this is just weird.

After much debate and consultation with my only friend who knows I am on OLD (she is also, but in another state) I decided ONE more text was in order.

So I sent him a text trying to be funny, "Wow, who would've thought of all the disclaimers, THAT would be the one to absolutely freak you out?! :)"

He responded about 20 minutes later: "Not freaked out. Stressed out. Something very serious has arisen."

Me about an hour later: ":/ I hope all gets better soon, very sorry to hear."
Joe: "Thanks"
Joe: "It should all be better in about 4 months, LOL ;)"
Me: "Ha that sounds perfect ;)"

I was sitting here like:
a) okay, buddy yeahhhh "something very serious.." effing BS!!
b) hmm, well I hope everything really is okay!
c) haha 4 months, that's so funny!
d) wait...is he serious...? What is something that would take 4 months to work itself out?
e) I'm sure I'll hear from him in a few....

I accidentally left my phone at home all weekend while I was in a tournament.
Came back today...Nada!!!

I don't know why I'm actually so shocked...but seriously, WTF dude?
He hasn't been on Match since Wednesday. Posted one thing to his sister's facebook on Friday (incidentally at the same time I was texting with him about how something serious was going on)

Haven't talked to him at all.
THOUGH: today I got an email from one of our mutual friends *which we've discussed* that I haven't talked to in like a year...inviting me to a new bar opening on Wednesday...random.

At any rate so now I'm just annoyed...and wondering if he will message me at all tomorrow at work...
I feel as though I should just not initiate any conversation with him at all...and I've essentially "written him off" however, if he were to initiate conversation and attempt to meet up again...I would give him the chance...and deeefffinitely go in with LOTS lower expectations...which probably isn't a bad thing...

Right now though...I have this gut feeling like I will not be hearing from him. :/
Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Mon, 05-23-2011 - 9:39am

It's this kind of thing that could be greatly reduced by simply meeting sooner rather than later. You can build up such expectations and be let down that much farther when you drag out communication without even meeting.There is good chance you may not have clicked and would have moved on by now. His flakey behavior is clearly not inline with someone that you want to be with.

That being said, people going from hot to cold is very common with online dating. A lot of communication followed by simply disppearing. You are already learning to not build up much in the expectation department and just take it day by day and let his/their actions speak for themselves. Its good to try and take a step back and not allow yourself to wait by the phone and obsess over hearing or not hearing from someone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2011
Thu, 05-26-2011 - 12:42pm

I once emailed and texted with someone from an online dating site for a year...he would NEVER meet me and always flaked...but it seemed to be for good reasons...now of course, I know better :)