Wake up call
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| Mon, 01-08-2007 - 10:17pm |
I meet someone on line and then it continued into many phone calls 2 mths), lasting up to 2-3 hours a night/ 4 or 5 nights a week. The phone calls started out simple, getting to know each other, then evolved into talking about relationships. We meet twice and I found the actual person to be very different then the person on the phone. There was still a mutual attraction so the phone conversations continued and got more personal-which was fine with both of us. The attractions was very mutual. We both have children and share them on the same weekends, so meeting everyother weekend wasn't a problem.
My problem: For new years, I told him that I was saving that time for him. He told me that he was returning his children that day, so he could have that time open-he implied to keep our evening together, but never said it was a date. He didn't tell me that he wasn't able to keep the date until that afternoon. Needless to say, my feelings were hurt and I let him know-just telling him that I thought he didn't have more for anyone else...me. He didn't respond to me for a few days, then he told me that he just got a wake up call by my response and said that I wanted more than he could give. I told him that I understood, that I do want more and felt he did too or we wouldn't be at this point. I said call me if he missed me, with no expectations or guarantees. I really like this man and thought that he felt the same way.
Should I just let it go? Did I scare him away? Any advice is welcome.

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If you really care about this man...and think that there is some potential - just take a step back and let things perhaps settle down a bit...You have obviously expressed to him how you feel, so the proverbial ball is in his court.
This big question is if he just wants to be friends can you just be friends with him...? Sometimes that is a really nice way to build a foundation that may or may not lead to something more...
Cheers
Sarah
I think you handled it well. You are not at fault. He is.
It was NYE. You told him you were reserving the evening for him. If he thought he might not be able to make it, he should have warned you when you told him that. His not warning you implied that he was going to be with you.
He was not considerate. He may not have meant to hurt your, but he should have been more thoughtful.
If there is a "wake up call" here it should be for you that this is not a very considerate person. And his saying that it is a "wake up call" for him is probably sincerely how he feels, but it is also a way of shifting blame. Don't let him. You weren't expecting anything unreasonable.
He should have said clearly that he might not be able to make it. And you did right to call him on it, to tell him you felt he was not respecting your friendship (or you) when he cancelled out at the last minute.
I think you have done the right thing also in letting him know that you had a right to your expectations, and sending him off with "I said call me if he missed me, with no expectations or guarantees." I applaud you.
Of course it must hurt a lot, when you really liked this guy to have to face losing him. But as someone else said, the ball is really in his court now, and you can't do anything except wait with the same dignity that you have shown so far.
Good luck.
Elsa
Ok...if you want more than he's willing to give, why would you do anything OTHER than walk away? What would be the point of holding on?
That's why it's really important to talk about what you're each looking for in a relationship upfront, IMO. You could have avoided spending all that time talking to someone who wasn't looking for the same things you are.
Sheri
northwestwanderer,
I think you missed part of my post. We did talk about relationships, what we want and needed.
I guess what I really wanted to know is, is this a normal pattern for men who seek dating on line? That they are really bold when talking online or on the phone, but can't actually be that person?
A man that is open to having a realtionship will not bolt the first time you set a boundary with him. Your expectation was reasonable given the fact the two of you had plans to spend the evening together. He was inconsiderate not to call earlier to cancel and your explaining to him how you felt and what you needed him to do differently (ie call earlier next time) was right on the money. You did not do anything wrong or scare him away, he just wasn't looking for the same thing you were.
YG
YG
http://twodatediva.blogspot.com/
I think this is another deal where the guy gets cold feet about having a relationship as time goes on. If his interest seemed to continue AFTER you met, then it would tell me that it wasn't due to lack of attraction. If these men are not able to give a bit more than just friendship, then a dating site is not where they belong. Most of us don't need more "friends", we need to find a lover, a partner who is also a friend.
So many men just drop the ball when it comes to dating. I continue to find this in my dating struggles as well. The woman should not have to be the one who does the most work in a relationship or even a potential relationship. I also agree about meeting fairly soon once you have had a few phone conversations. For me, that has been the make or break thing for me. Now, I refuse to spend hours and hours on phone conversations if we have not met as so many times the guy changes his mind after meeting or after a couple dates and then you feel you have wasted a lot of valuable time with someone who led you on. I'm convinced that the majority of men online only "think" they are ready for a relationship. When faced with someone who could potentially be that person, they start re-thinking things. In reality, a lot of guys are content with their single life, but occasionally get lonely or think that OLD might be a good thing..for a while. Then they seem to lose interest. They are not as serious as a lot of women are. Sadly, I don't see that pattern changing much in the world of OLD.
Mitsy2,
Ouch and thank you. Sorry, but I didn't want to hear that it was a "most men" situation. Lesson learnt, I won't invest so much time. I thought that spending the time to get to know someone was the correct way-emotional connection, then physical. I'll try it physical and then emotional. Thanks. I'm new to the dating scene again and especially to online. Do you have any other suggestions?
Just that you need a really thick skin, which I still don't have. I continually get hurt by these online men, but I live in a rural area where it's hard to meet single guys even close to my age.
Many on this board have been doing this much longer than me, but I stay baffled as to why so many men have profiles online but then when it comes right down to it, they are not wanting the long-term relationship that so many of us are seeking. Or...they SAY they want what we want and then they still bail. Some of them do this even after meeting and after it is established that there is spark and attraction. To me, if those elements are present AND you can talk to the person easily, then it should be worth pursuing. Sadly, a lot of men don't have the drive and energy to make the proper effort in dating. Even educated, worldly guys act like they don't have a clue about dating and what is expected. I'm appalled by the lack of common courtesy exhibited by some of these men. It is proven by the many posts on this board just how bad their manners can be.
I agree with Sheri about not getting too emotionally attached to someone right off the bat, but it is very hard not to anticipate and expect a bit more from someone who has put their profile on a dating site (supposedly to meet someone and have a real relationship). I'd just as soon not waste my time with a guy who doesn't know what he wants, but I have been fooled so many times. I'll think that the next one will be a keeper or won't do the vanishing act on me. So far, I have not found anyone I cared for who did not drive me insane with trying to figure out his game plan. So, I'm laying low for now and not sitting around waiting for this last guy to call me. I've pulled back from this one and he's left 2 messages which I did return but I have not had a real phone conversation with him since before New Year's, so I don't know what the guy is thinking. In the meantime, I'm trying to live my life and do things with my friends and not think so much about him or his issues.
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