Wake up call

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2006
Wake up call
15
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 10:17pm

I meet someone on line and then it continued into many phone calls 2 mths), lasting up to 2-3 hours a night/ 4 or 5 nights a week. The phone calls started out simple, getting to know each other, then evolved into talking about relationships. We meet twice and I found the actual person to be very different then the person on the phone. There was still a mutual attraction so the phone conversations continued and got more personal-which was fine with both of us. The attractions was very mutual. We both have children and share them on the same weekends, so meeting everyother weekend wasn't a problem.

My problem: For new years, I told him that I was saving that time for him. He told me that he was returning his children that day, so he could have that time open-he implied to keep our evening together, but never said it was a date. He didn't tell me that he wasn't able to keep the date until that afternoon. Needless to say, my feelings were hurt and I let him know-just telling him that I thought he didn't have more for anyone else...me. He didn't respond to me for a few days, then he told me that he just got a wake up call by my response and said that I wanted more than he could give. I told him that I understood, that I do want more and felt he did too or we wouldn't be at this point. I said call me if he missed me, with no expectations or guarantees. I really like this man and thought that he felt the same way.

Should I just let it go? Did I scare him away? Any advice is welcome.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: notkimmiez
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 11:11am

No, I didn't see that in your post and on re-reading it, I still don't see it. You say you talked "about relationships" but that's very general--can you be more specific about what was said?

Can you clarify what you mean by "bold"? I don't want to make any assumptions in answering your question.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
In reply to: notkimmiez
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 3:22pm
I completely agree with you on this. So many men are just not emotionally stable enough and don't have enough to give to a relationship so they bail even if they do like someone because it's easier than having to work at an equal partnership and putting a woman as one of his top priorities. Unfortunately it's this way. Not many men are willing to look at their issues and work through them so that they are stable enough to give to another and if they are mature enough to do this then it's usually later on like mid 30s and up. But there are men out there that are stable enough and unselfish enough to give, I'm with one now and I met him online so don't give up hope mitsy2. They are just not as common as the ones who are on there just to date around looking for the bigger and better deal because they have "the grass is greener" syndrome.
To the original poster. I agree with the others in that this man was not very courteous in cancelling so late in the day and if you told him that this was not considerate and he wasn't willing to listen then obviously he's not relationship material right now and has too many other things going on. Hugs and good look to you both.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2006
In reply to: notkimmiez
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 12:28am

Northwestwanderer,

Sorry, I didn't realize that I wasn't clear enough. I hope this helps you to understand a little bit better.

Both of us have been married before. We talk about why our marriages failed and what we want now and if we were able to give that. Where we wanted to be in the next 5 years. We were very open with each other. Yes, it was describing a possible future relationship together.

"BOLD" pushing the envelope. BOLD as in saying things on the phone, but couldn't say it in person. BOLD as in daring, over confident.

So what do you think?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: notkimmiez
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 12:41am

Ok, thanks for the additional information. It sounds like he's a person who thrives on the fantasy of a phone relationship and doesn't really want (or can't do) a real relationship in person. I wouldn't say that every guy online is like that, but there are enough of them that you need to be cautious not to get involved with one.

So in addition to talking about what you each want in a relationship (which I actually wouldn't do until you meet in person), it's important to take things to real life ASAP. Talking on the phone for 2 months gave you an incorrect impression of this man--you didn't realize that he wasn't willing to put actions with his words because you didn't require that of him. Someone who wants a real-life relationship will want to meet ASAP.

And if by bold you also mean sexual, then that's a red flag right there. I won't continue talking (and won't meet) with anyone who gets sexual with me over the phone before we've even met (or on the first couple dates), because that's just inappropriate on SO many levels.

I'm sorry this ended up being a let-down.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2006
In reply to: notkimmiez
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 6:59pm
I just read your first post and not hte ones inbetween so if I missed some major developments forgive me. Basically it sounds like he scared himself away not you scared him away. If he comes to his senses then great but otherwise I think you should move on for someone who knows what they want.

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