Wants marriage/children - but not now

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wants marriage/children - but not now
9
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 10:36pm

At this stage of my life , my dating/relationship goal is "marriage & children".


I received an email from someone . In his profile in one section he states that for now he's just looking to date casually and have fun without comittment -

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 10:50pm

My admittedly jaded view is that the first part is true (casual) and the second part is the chick-speak OLD men tend to insert to attract women (because the first one won't, much).

The agony columns around the world (and the boards in iVillage) are full of women who have been kept waiting for what they really want. So personally, if guy says he'll eventually want what I want, I say "See you then, pardner".

For instance, the "Separated" guy I was emailing with through Tickle Marriage. Everything was going great until he dropped that bomb. My one and only 100% Deal Breaker! He then told me that he would be divorced within 6 months. And I told him I couldn't get involved with him until then. Three months to go, I wonder if I'll hear from him again?

amjay

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 11:03pm

You know, I don't think I would put too much importance onto this apparent discrepancy right off the bat.

The reason is simple- his feelings appear to be mixed.

It'd be one thing if he was consistent and adamantly opposed to what you want, but being a bit conflicted about it or not wanting to say "I wanna be married and have kids" is pretty normal.

Way I figure is that if someone says that, strongly, they run the risk of sounding "desperate". I mean, look at how often we post profile texts in here and say "look at how desperate this guy is!"

Also, look at how often we post profile texts and agonize over exactly what they're supposed to MEAN and what they're really saying.

So it's understandable that someone might not want to appear "too much" one way or the other, especially if they're open to it somehow.

Therefore, I figure that if someone matches my desire (to eventually have a family) or is conflicted about it, that's an okay person to wink at/email/call/date.

The ones I think we should watch out for, the ones where you KNOW there's going to be trouble down the line, are where someone says flat-out "I want kids" or "I don't want kids" and someone with the opposite view goes out with them anyway.

I know people who do this, and eventually they wind up breaking up, and they bitch and moan and whine about it, and I want to shake them and say "you fool, you KNEW she wanted children and you didn't, why did you date her in that case?"

Sigh.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 11:18am

JH...


2 cents from your CL-Partner.....(Pianoguy):


I think you need to appreciate a person's intentions....while knowing what it is that will honestly make you happy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 11:44am

Agree with PianoGuy. Date him and if it works out and he feels your his match and you of him then his desire will come into full force. Most men don't want to put it out there too much because of the disapointment factor if you date and you're not a match then the woman says "but you said you wanted marriage and kids" well he very well may but doesn't find that in you. It goes back to that "He's just not that into you"...when you meet a guy who is right for you you'll know it w/out any doubts or so I believe"......and he'll show you how happy is to finally have met you, trust me.

With OLD it's too easy to read into things. If he sounds interesting enough give him a shot otherwise you'll never know....nothing ventured, nothing gained.

SP

Avatar Image"The Small Peanu
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 12:54pm

Two good points from SP and PG.

SP said...

>>Most men don't want to put it out there too much because of the disapointment factor if you date and you're not a match then the woman says "but you said you wanted marriage and kids" well he very well may but doesn't find that in you.<<

This is always the thing with OLD and dating in general, isn't it?

A woman's profile says that she isn't in to looks and just wants a good man who is honest, has a job, his own car, doesn't live with Mom, and brushes his teeth at least once a day.

A man's profile says he doesn't care about whether a gal wants kids, he just wants someone that makes him feel happy.

Then, if/when they reject us, we think to ourselves "But you said all you wanted was XXX!"

And the fact of the matter is that it just worked out that they were telling the truth- but that they just wound up not wanting whatever WITH US.

Ouch.

Anyway, when it comes to the really big important things, I think what's most important is that we know what our absolute deal-breakers are; and that we find out what the other person's absolute deal-breakers are; and THEN we make our decisions.

So if Hoov absolutely knows that she wants marriage and children, whether biological or adopted, and this guy knows that he doesn't, they shouldn't date.

To be honest, though, unless someone writes it in absolute terms in their profile text, I don't think we can make a big assumption about whether or not it's a deal-breaker for them until we date them a bit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 1:56pm
"..but if you try sometimes, you get what you need!"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 2:35pm

Donna...


If "getting what you need" is enough to keep an OLD relationship going for awhile....that's great!


But sadly most

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 3:20pm
I know, I was just singing along with you...
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 8:39pm

donna...


Pianoguy swore there was a female voice in the room this afternoon......but he knew it wasn't Wimpy's!