Was I hookwinked? And by a dork!??
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| Thu, 06-15-2006 - 6:53pm |
I went out on a date from OLD this guy Neil, that I had initiated the conversation. 38, clean cut, never married. When we met, he took me out to dinner and was very nice and polite, and asked if I wanted to go out again. I wasn't really that attracted or felt the "spark" but I thought he was worth a second date. He never called (which I thought he would and I was surprised) and after a week, I simply just wrote "I take it you are not interested, and that's no problem, good luck." He IMMEDIATELY wrote me back and told me he was interested and had been changing jobs and he would call me that weekend to schedule plans and he was sorry.
So, we made plans for that Sunday night, went out to dinner and he asked me out again. He started to call me every day- granted I thought, well he probably likes me, but it was 0 to 60. I still was on the fence on him, so I figured I give it a Saturday night date. My issues: I found him boring, he didn't seem to plan things, and conversation seemed to be difficult. He was incredibly polite did everything else (called, open doors, on time, etc.) So the Saturday night date was rather boring- he just had nothing planned and I just thought it wasn't happening- but he is (or so I thought) a nice guy. He kept telling me how I don't play games, he seemed to respect women.
I run into an old friend yesterday, she starts to tell me about a recent OLD experience. She went out with a guy 5 times, he called her everyday after their first date and he took her out on her birthday on their last date. She was annoyed that he didn't do anything for her birthday that was special (he did take her to dinner)- they went to her place afterwards and made out (neither of us really hooked up physically with this guy)- but abruptly left- and never called her again! The guy: Neil! The timing- the two of us overlapped! While he disappeared after our first date he was calling Melissa everyday! After I contacted him- he still went out with her on her birthday that Saturday night- and disappeared- and the next night he had a date with me! Then after that date, he started calling me everyday just like her! With her (and with me) he flat out lied (this part for now I could have lived with) when he was out on dates with me or her- I'm with my sister, I have work, etc.- I mean I am dating other people too- but I don't lead someone on by calling them everyday- and she and I live about a block away! Its pretty easy in a big city to run into someone on the streets!
So, I am pretty disgusted that this guy who I thought was "dorky" and "dull" - in my opinion was playing me? Who is to say that I wouldn't be this month's special??? I was feeling BAD about not calling him again or ending it- but now my mouth is open that when everytime someone says "I'm going to the gym" or "I'm busy with work this week"- should I just assume they are lying and dating someone every other night???
Anyone? Granted, I wasn't into him- but now I feel like he's ruined my opinion of what I think of some of these seemingly "nice" guys who are shy, dorky or inexperienced. I date several people on OLD- but for me, I assume when a guy starts calling me EVERY day, wants to spend the weekend with me- and if they wanted to be with me on my birthday- well I assume he actually likes me- not that he's out every night with a different girl- especially since there is no sex involved.
Thoughts?

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Ok, I apologize for being confused...but if you're dating other people, why is it wrong for him to do so? (I do agree that lying about it was wrong but not the fact that he had other dates.)
And even if you *weren't* dating other people, unless you've agreed to date exclusively, both of you are free to date others. Unless he's made an express commitment to not date other people, there's no "playing" involved here.
Unless I'm missing some piece of information here, I think your expectations are a little unreasonable. You can *like* someone but still be dating others...there's nothing wrong with that.
Sheri
Again the issue isn't about dating other people, its about how he ended it when he was no longer interested. If you are not serious about someone and you want to date other people- then don't call everyday, don't talk about the future, don't act like you care when you probably won't be there next month! He dumped her when he felt I was the "bigger, better, deal" and who is to say that he'll act the same way when the next girl comes around. You treat people how you wanted to be treated- and personally, I am used to OLD guys disappearing- but the ones who get to know you better by meeting your friends, calling you, discussing deeper things- those are the ones that are leading you on- and to me- if I am not sure about someone- I don't talk to them everyday- don't make plans every few days- and I don't lie (hey we're not talking enough for them to know my schedule!) about where I am. I just chose not to disclose!
As for her birthday- I think what bothered her and me- in general, is his lack of planning. He could have just brought a balloon or a card! Any effort! One year one guy brought me a rose, a beanie baby and I thought it was the sweetest thing in the world! But if you are calling a girl EVERY day- then you can make SOME small effort to make the day special!
To me, if he broke up with her with no warning (he ran out of her apartment abruptly according to her)- then why should I feel that I am any more special that he won't do the same to me on date #5? He didn't treat her well, and it speaks about his lack of character!
Hmm...ok. I don't think 5 dates means you have to have a "proper breakup" nor do I think that something other than taking her out to dinner for her birthday would be necessary or appropriate after just 5 dates. BUT...since *you* think that's unreasonable (and that is of course your perogative!), then you're right to stop seeing him because you're right, what's to stop him from doing the same thing to you!
Sheri
Sheri,
Hey five dates- I know OLD guys just disappear... a lot! But then again, he was also calling her EVERYDAY during this time- so, again, I would assume that he liked her a lot if he was calling her everyday- and they went out five times- and he seemed to respect her enough not to want to just "hook up" with her.
I only went on three dates with him- and after date #2 he started calling me everyday (the DAY AFTER he never called her again)- so there wasn't even a ONE day space period where he dropped her and went to calling me. I apparently replaced her phone time!
I mean, to me there's no reason to give any detailed information about your whereabouts in the beginning of dating someone- being "out" going out with friends- is fine! If he wasn't calling her everyday- then she wouldn't be asking what he was up to! But to actually tell her he's busy with work or his sister when he's out with another woman? Come on! How can I trust that what he says is even true? At 38 and single, its funny both of us said the same thing about him "he doesn't know how to date"- he seems to want to be with someone but is fickle- and acts like he is very interested in them- that's why we "date"- you don't try and keep every potential girl like your girlfriend until you're sold on her!
There is a P.S. to the story- I decided to meet him for dinner tonight and ask his side of the story. I set up the scene by telling him about a girl I was supposed to visit was coming to town and the last time I was supposed to see her some guy I was seeing just picked up and never called me again- so that trip was scrapped. He said "wow, that's awful." So then I told him how he was lucky that he had good experiences on OLD- and how I ran into a friend who told me about a guy who after 5 dates never called her again - he again says "How awful"- I said "Well it turns out it was you." His look was priceless! He realized he was busted on he "Claimed" he was a nice guy and he didn't act that way. I asked him for his side of the story- and he said he didn't have an excuse, he just no longer felt a connection. I told him I could care less he was dating someone else, I just felt like I didn't know that I could trust that he would treat me any different than her and one day stop calling. He couldn't come up with a good answer- other than "yeah I guess I made a mistake!"- Yeah, when you treat someone badly, KARMA comes back to haunt you!
I mean, I felt great- honestly, some of these guys think we are SO stupid!
Oh, I bet the his look was priceless indeed!
Yeah, he didn't behave well overall (especially lying about what he was doing--totally unnecessary) and I don't disagree that he deserved to get busted. Karma indeed!
Sheri
I agree I don’t think he really did anything wrong, noone was exclusive and if he chooses to ends things cowardly he is the one that has to live w/ it. He is a coward , and if he doesn’t have a conscience I am sure it doesn’t even bother him.
Also why wouldn’t your friend call him on it? I don’t what others think but wouldn’t you at least call and say hey whats up? I guess dating in today’s society has changed. I hear this happening al ot more than often. Noone has common courtesy to tell someone they are not into them more than a friend. Just be honest.. geeeeeeeez
And maybe this is why HE is still single, I am sure the character flaw is seen by others very quickly
So bottom line why waste your time, you now know what he is about, You found out through the grapevine how he is like , so now you don’t’ have to waste anymore of your time figuring him out.. I agree he could do the same thing to you. Bottom line he was a coward.
I do want to make clear:
I do not think it was wrong that he was going out with me and someone else- that's dating-its fine, I was doing the same thing!
What I think is wrong: Leading someone on by calling everyday, discussing future plans, and just not contact someone in SOME way (phone, email, text message) that you are no longer interested after spending virtually every day in communication for over a month.
What I think is REALLY wrong: Lying (especially it wasn't necessary to tell that much info.) about your whereabouts. It is no one's business if you have another date if you are not exclusive- I completely agree there! And, what he did is dump my friend when he thought I was interested in him! So, lets say he hadn't met me- he would have continued to lead her on until he met someone he liked better??? Hey, casual dating is FINE, its great- if that's what you are doing- but if what you are doing to is USING someone until something better comes along- that's really wrong! This guy didn't call me because he thought I wasn't interested in a second date- (no balls there either because I told him I wanted to go out with him again when he asked) - when he realized I was interested- he dropped my friend- and I took her spot by now being his daily phone call- there wasn't even a day in between this switch!
So, come on, I should believe that he treats women well when he just did this? I expect to be with a guy who wouldn't treat ANYONE that way. (Or at the least, this is WAY in his past- not at 38!) Its over and done with- his look was priceless and I am happy that perhaps he learned a lesson in that if you treat someone like that- it might come back and bite you in the ass for the person that you (supposeduly) are really interested in!
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