Was I hookwinked? And by a dork!??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2005
Was I hookwinked? And by a dork!??
11
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 6:53pm

I went out on a date from OLD this guy Neil, that I had initiated the conversation. 38, clean cut, never married. When we met, he took me out to dinner and was very nice and polite, and asked if I wanted to go out again. I wasn't really that attracted or felt the "spark" but I thought he was worth a second date. He never called (which I thought he would and I was surprised) and after a week, I simply just wrote "I take it you are not interested, and that's no problem, good luck." He IMMEDIATELY wrote me back and told me he was interested and had been changing jobs and he would call me that weekend to schedule plans and he was sorry.

So, we made plans for that Sunday night, went out to dinner and he asked me out again. He started to call me every day- granted I thought, well he probably likes me, but it was 0 to 60. I still was on the fence on him, so I figured I give it a Saturday night date. My issues: I found him boring, he didn't seem to plan things, and conversation seemed to be difficult. He was incredibly polite did everything else (called, open doors, on time, etc.) So the Saturday night date was rather boring- he just had nothing planned and I just thought it wasn't happening- but he is (or so I thought) a nice guy. He kept telling me how I don't play games, he seemed to respect women.

I run into an old friend yesterday, she starts to tell me about a recent OLD experience. She went out with a guy 5 times, he called her everyday after their first date and he took her out on her birthday on their last date. She was annoyed that he didn't do anything for her birthday that was special (he did take her to dinner)- they went to her place afterwards and made out (neither of us really hooked up physically with this guy)- but abruptly left- and never called her again! The guy: Neil! The timing- the two of us overlapped! While he disappeared after our first date he was calling Melissa everyday! After I contacted him- he still went out with her on her birthday that Saturday night- and disappeared- and the next night he had a date with me! Then after that date, he started calling me everyday just like her! With her (and with me) he flat out lied (this part for now I could have lived with) when he was out on dates with me or her- I'm with my sister, I have work, etc.- I mean I am dating other people too- but I don't lead someone on by calling them everyday- and she and I live about a block away! Its pretty easy in a big city to run into someone on the streets!

So, I am pretty disgusted that this guy who I thought was "dorky" and "dull" - in my opinion was playing me? Who is to say that I wouldn't be this month's special??? I was feeling BAD about not calling him again or ending it- but now my mouth is open that when everytime someone says "I'm going to the gym" or "I'm busy with work this week"- should I just assume they are lying and dating someone every other night???

Anyone? Granted, I wasn't into him- but now I feel like he's ruined my opinion of what I think of some of these seemingly "nice" guys who are shy, dorky or inexperienced. I date several people on OLD- but for me, I assume when a guy starts calling me EVERY day, wants to spend the weekend with me- and if they wanted to be with me on my birthday- well I assume he actually likes me- not that he's out every night with a different girl- especially since there is no sex involved.
Thoughts?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 2:19pm

Just like you shouldn't assume that just because a guy is really charming when you frst meet him, that he's a good guy, you also shouldn't assume that just because a guy is the opposite of that that he's a good guy either. I had a friend who dated a guy for years before marrying him. She always said that she thought he was the sweet, humble type of guy because he was very shy and quiet. After she married him, this "sweet, humble" guy would try to suffocate her with a pillow every time she got mad at him. It's not that in all those years of dating him there was no sign of the type of husband he'd be. I noticed a lot of scary red flags that I tried to warn her about, but she'd always make excuses for his behavior and talk about he wasn't "that type" of guy because he was a shy, nerdy guy.

It's really not about personality. There are guys who are very sociable and charming who are players, but there are also guys who are very sociable and charming who really are very kind people. Likewise, there are guys who are nerdy, who really are the sweet, sensitive guys that your mother wanted you to marry, but there are guys who are nerdy that you still have to watch out for. There's really no way of knowing what type of a guy someone is until you've given yourself time to get to know him as an individual.

I do think that are people who are generally good at getting an intuitive sense of how good somebody is when they first meet the person, but I don't think you can base those decisions just on broad stereotypes, especially when you are dealing with somebody who is interested in you and trying to win your approval.

Anyway, the fact that this guy was calling you every day right after calling your friend every day makes me think that he enjoys the chase. Even though I am a believer in taking things slower than that, I can certainely understand how every once in a while somebody catches your eye after just one meeting, and you start wanting to talk to that person every day. But when you're like that with every person you date, I think it's a sign that you're more interested in the chase or the attention, then in that particular person. I suppose it's possible that your friend was the only other woman that this guy was interested in all year long. But the fact that it was right before meeting you makes me kind of doubtful.

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