Wasting My Time??
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| Wed, 02-22-2006 - 12:10am |
Ok, I've been lurking for about a week or two. Now I can use some advice if anyone cares to help me out. I am at my wits end!
I met this guy online. Well, okay---we haven't actually 'met'. We started out emailing on this one site. Then to personal email address'. Then graduated to phone. To the point we both are very comfortable with one another. We were 'going' to meet one day. Didn't happen. As it was, we had 'teased' and flirted sexually (NO! Not cybered!). Well, I was worried he was going to expect sex right of the bat, because of this. I emailed him and explained how I felt. He wrote me the sweetest email back telling me that was fine. He understood my apprehension and that my worrys were basically for naught. He end the email by saying; "We know we both want each other and that it's all good." and that he was perfectly happy with our friendship at that point.
Okay, sounds good right? No.
We didn't meet and haven't as of yet. He told me right off the bat that he worked a lot. I understood for the most part because I was a work-aholic all my life with the exception of the last year. Then I got to thinking....he has only called me during the week, while he was at work, on his work phone, and we hadn't met.
(Things that make you go..."Hmmmmm....!".)
So I fired off an email. I'm not shy. Very bluntly asked him if he was married. Got another message; "NO! NO! No! Not just no---but Hell NO!".
Said he just worked a lot at present and that was going to change soon.
I really liked what I've known about him so far. Really. So I let it go. He starts calling me on weekends, from places other than work, (okay in his truck...lol), gave me his cell phone, and told me I could call him anytime.
Sounds good, right? No.
I've kinda pushed to meet him. Kinda. (I want to know if their is any chemistry and where to go with this. Only reasonable.) So we made plans for this past weekend. Sketchy, but planned on meeting.
Has never happened yet.
I finally got fed up and felt I could take no more. I fired off an email that was not mean, just to the point and honest about how I felt and the situation. I basically told him I didn't feel as though he had put any effort forward and was full of sh**. Told him I had done everything I could do and was tired of it.
Wished him good luck and and said I was 'done'. (Period)
End? No.
He emails me next morning bright and early...."All I can say is I'm sorry. I didn't mean it to happen that way. I could explain, but it wouldn't do any good." blah, blah, blah.
Of course my soft-hearted-ass emails him back and asks for the explaination.
Claims his ex-wife of three years was pretty sick and her two daughters (not his) whom he is very close to, asked him to be there. Claims he couldn't call me cause someone always there. (Flags again!---Imagine that!)
I later asked about this..."Well, I could've, but it would have been uncomfortable. It was already uncomfortable being there.", was his reply. (Hmmmm!)
He then writes that I deserve someone with more time to offer me, how sorry he is, and he can understand if I can't forgive him. But would I please try to understand?
Aaaarrggghhh! He is making me NUTS, I tell ya!
Am I wasting my time with him? Part of me says: "Ditch the man--he's full of it--either way!"
The other part of me wants to be patient and see what happens because I really like him.
I need an outsider's viewpoint here, because I obviously can't see past the ****. LOL

I really don't know the answer but feel your anxiety! My advice is to just take a deep breath and see what happens. I wouldn't push for anything else--he knows how you feel. Let him make the desicion whether to im, call, make a date--stay open to all of it but continue to date other people. If he cancels another date you may want to think twice about cancelling any other plans for him.
I don't think you will really know wht is going on until it plays out and you can't make decisions based on what may happen--either good or bad (ie it will end in a good relationship or it will end with him married and poofing) I say just remain open to him but keep dating
I hope that helps I know its not much of an answer
I don't think it's effective to fire off an email every time you have something to say.
I agree with Firstamendment. Dump him, there are other fish. To me email is only a way to arrange a meet and weed out the losers. Anything more than 5 emails is overkill.
One of the first guys I ever met from Match ghosted on me. He was a work a holic. Noooo, that was his excuse. He was using the time to date/meet/etc. He was looking for the bigger better deal, and as long as I let him treat me as second choice the relationship continued. But when I stood up and said something to him about it then he ghosted.
Dump him. Move on to someone who is gagga over you.
Actions speak volumes. Things happen, sure. We all get pulled into situations that make us feel uncomfortable. The difference? An adult who respects others will call the person they are meeting to cancel. If he had any respect, he would have called you, apologized and let you know what was going on.
Your guts are telling you this is sketchy. Listen to that.
I said this to someone else, but people make time for the things they want to make time for. I'm busy. I work, travel a lot, have things going on with friends. When I want to see someone, I can shift things around to make it happen for an hour. I'm sorry, I just no longer buy the excuse of there not being any time. If it's important to someone they will make time for it. That being said, I just don't think this guy see it as important to meet you. You're not a priority.
And let's fast forward that. Let's say you met, got involved and all was well. If he can't make it a priority now for you guys to just meet, imagine what back burner you would take if you actually dated.
Listen to what you said: "He then writes that I deserve someone with more time to offer me..." He is letting you know he does not have time. Listen to him. Don't try to change it. It is what it is. If working your life according to this guy's schedule is acceptable to you, then pursue him.
Personally? I would drop all communication with him, let him know that it was done and get back on the site and find someone who was really interested in something more than a phone buddy.
I have done OLD since last May and have finally met a really decent guy who actually lives right in the same town as I do. I'm still trying to get over the shock about that. I spent time and effort trying to get to know guys who lived at least an hour or more away from me. I did have some dates, some only one-time meets. With the exception of one guy, I was interested in all of these men, but they all either bailed, balked, or otherwise didn't have time for a dating relationship.
I kept running into guys who had demanding or "on-call" type careers. With two of these men, I truly felt it was just too much for them to juggle a stressful job and a dating life. They also lived an hour or more away, so that was another factor. The mistake I made with one of them was waiting way too long for him to make time for me. Never did happen. I got sporadic instant msgs., and an occasional phone call. We saw each other a total of 2 times in person. There was attraction on both sides, but he failed to try to stay connected or contact me with any regularity.
Interestingly enough, I had not heard from him since before x-mas. Then I started dating the local guy I'm seeing now and I suddenly get an instant message from him. I finally told him I was seeing someone locally. I don't think he was pleased, but hey, the local guy actually makes time for me. He calls and wants me to call him; wants to see me almost every day. He has made an effort to include me in his life--something most of these other players aren't willing to do. Hard as it is, I think if a guy is truly interested, he won't drop the ball, even if things don't start out as smoothly as you'd like. Give it a reasonable amount of time, then if they still balk at meeting, move on. Whether you flat out tell them you're moving on or not is your choice.
The guys who are not serious about meeting anyone or having a real relationship aren't worth your time. I wasted too much time with many guys in the past, but learning when enough is enough is sometimes hard when you want someone special in your life. I've been there--many times.